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FOGGYDAVES CANTENNA 
THE EVIL OVERLORD LIST

THE EVIL MINIONS GUIDE

OTHER EVIL/ HERO  GUIDES
A FEW VERSES 

NAMES I CALL MY WIFE & SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

COLLECTIVE NOUNS FOR ANIMAL SPECIES

SOME OTHER EBAY SALES WITH STORIES

THE REAL MEANING OF HAYNES MANUAL INSTRUCTIONS

SALAD FINGERS

TOMTOM SATNAV SAG BLUES

 

KITE MAKING PAGES

REVOLUTION KITE MAKING

 

CONTRIBUTIONS FROM READERS

STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

THE REAL MEANING OF HAYNES MANUAL INSTRUCTIONS

Incorporating     Haynes Guide to Tools of the Trade    #1  &  #2

 

Haynes   Rotate anticlockwise
Translation   Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
     
Haynes   Should remove easily
Translation   Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
     
Haynes   This is a snug fit
Translation   You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
     
Haynes   This is a tight fit
Translation   Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
     
Haynes   As described in Chapter 7...
Translation   That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
     
Haynes   Pry...
Translation   Hammer a screwdriver into...
     
Haynes   Undo...
Translation   Hammer a screwdriver into...
     
Haynes   May be slightly corroded in
Translation   Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
     
Haynes   Gently Ease ...
Translation   Apply superhuman strength to ...
     
Haynes   Retain tiny spring...
Translation   "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
     
Haynes   Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation   OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
     
Haynes   Lightly...
Translation   Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
     
Haynes   Weekly checks...
Translation   If it isn't broken don't fix it!
     
Haynes   Routine maintenance...
Translation   If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
     
Haynes   One spanner rating (simple).
Translation   Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
     
Haynes   Two spanner rating.
Translation   Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
     
Haynes   Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation   Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
     
Haynes   Four spanner rating.
Translation   You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
     
Haynes   Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation   #1 OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation   #2 Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.
     
Haynes   If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation   Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
     
Haynes   Compress...
Translation   Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
     
Haynes   Inspect...
Translation   Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
     
Haynes   Carefully...
Translation   You are about to cut yourself!
     
Haynes   Retaining nut...
Translation   Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
     
Haynes   Get the help of an assistant...
Translation   Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
     
Haynes   Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation   But you swear in different places.
 
     
Haynes   Carefully prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation   Snap off...
     
Haynes   Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation   The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
     
Haynes   Everyday toolkit
Translation   Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
     
Haynes   Apply moderate heat...
Translation   #1  Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation   #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation   #3  Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
     
Haynes   Index
Translation   List of all the things in the book but not the thing you want to do!
     
Haynes   Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation   Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
     
Haynes   Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation   I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
     
Haynes   Grease well before refitting.
Translation   Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
     
Haynes   See illustration for details
Translation   None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
     

 

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
 

Hammer   Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.  Also known as a Birmingham Screwdriver.
     
Electric drill   Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. Or for perforating something behind and beyond the original target object.
     
Pliers   Used to round off bolt heads.
     
Hacksaw   One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
     
Mole grips   Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
     
Adjustable spanner   Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available
     
Whitworth sockets   Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 12 or 13 mm  socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
     
Oxyacetelene Torch   Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. Not recommended for lighting cigarrettes
     
Drill press   A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
     
Wire wheel   Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
     
Hydraulic jack   Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.
     
Eight foot long 2x4 timber   Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
 
     
Tweezers   A tool for removing wood splinters from the 2x4
     
Phone   Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
     
Gasket scraper   Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
     
Stud extracter   A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
     
Timing light   A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup
     
Hydraulic crane   A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
     
Long reach 1/2 inch screwdriver   A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
     
Tin snips    See hacksaw.
     
Inspection light   The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
     
Phillips screwdriver   Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
     
Air compressor   A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
     
Crow bar   A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
     
Hose cutter   A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short
     

25.05.2010

The tool definitions below were sent in by a Mr Hattymender aka Rich

TOOL DEFINITIONS

Skil Saw A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
Pliers Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.
Belt Sander An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert a minor touch up job into major refinishing job.
Welding Gloves Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand
Table Saw A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Hydraulic Floor Jack Use to lower automobile to the ground after you’ve changed the brake shoes, trapping the handle firmly under the bumper.
Eight foot long 4x4 Used for levering car upwards off a trapped jack handle.
Tweezers A tool for removing splinters and wire wheel wires.
Straight Screwdriver A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert slotted screws into non-removable screws.
Pry Bar A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding the clip or bracket you wanted to remove

 

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