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PREFACE 

STORY UPDATE NEWS AND EBAY LISTING

 

GENERAL ITEMS
FOGGYDAVES CANTENNA 
THE EVIL OVERLORD LIST

THE EVIL MINIONS GUIDE

OTHER EVIL/ HERO  GUIDES
A FEW VERSES 

NAMES I CALL MY WIFE & SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

COLLECTIVE NOUNS FOR ANIMAL SPECIES

SOME OTHER EBAY SALES WITH STORIES

THE REAL MEANING OF HAYNES MANUAL INSTRUCTIONS

SALAD FINGERS

TOMTOM SATNAV SAG BLUES

 

KITE MAKING PAGES

REVOLUTION KITE MAKING

 

CONTRIBUTIONS FROM READERS

STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

NAMES I CALL MY WIFE

Plus  CREATE YOUR OWN SHAKESPEAREAN INSULT

A Bonus READY MADE SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

For thou villainous, tickle-brained nuthooks

In the written word only I usually label my wife with one of the honorific's below. In the spoken word to save much pain and injury I normally say "Yes dear"

Acanthodian one
Astral Angst
Beloved destroyer of worlds
Beloved maker of nightmares
Booting Berserker
Brummy bulldozer
Celestial Killer Asteroid
Cosmic Mega lump
Cruncher of bones
Delightful one
Diseased shadow sorceress
Duck tape diva
Eater of furry things
Electric enema
Evil ovulator
Fearless mad torpedo
Friendly neighbourhood seagoing rocket               
Fungal Foot Feeler
Gaseous one
Glenfield goblin
Golden wart warrior
Grisley grunger
Hairsuited one
Hairy arm pitted one
Hairy backed
Hairy chested one
Hairy footed one
Hairy handed
Hairy legged
Hairy lipped one
Hairy one
Hairy toed
Halitosis Harlot
Her high splongness
Her with the greasy tresses

High velocity megaphone
Keeper of sweaty armpits
Keeper of the bad breath
Keeper of the cobwebs
Keeper of the front door key
Keeper of the plunger
Kicker of the codpiece
lady Sqeezemtight
Lady Hitmhard
Lady Squashmbad
Lancer of boils
Lank haired lover
Leicester leviathan
Light of my heart

 

Light of my life

Little barrage balloon
Little grease monkey
Little toxic dump
Little warmer of globes
Maker of methane

Methane megaphone
Milker of whales
Ming the merciless
Mistress of evil
Mistress of menace
Mistress of the dark
Mistress of the dark wobbly thing
Mistress of the heavy gusset
Mistress of the big leg
Mistress of the round smelly object
Mistress of the squashy thing
Mistress of the squidgy thing
Mistress of the tobacco of doom
Mistress of the void
Moustachioed MaraDonna
Nasty nut nibbler
Nitrous nightingale
Nuclear crustacean
Odious nightmeister
Peg legged Pele
Pulchritudinous one
Purveyor of putrefaction
Queen of chaos
Queen of the earwax
Satanís shoe polisher
Slayer of mammoths
Slayer of snails
Smoker of the pipe of doom
Solihull steam hammer
Spreader of pestilence
Spreader of plagues
Squasher of frogs
Supreme grand mistress of boily things
Supreme grand mistress of spikey things
Supreme grand mistress of squashy things
Supreme grand mistress of warty things
Supreme grand mistress of wobbly things
Toxic pickle mistress
Toxic temptress
Tripe festooned one
Tuneful one
Ultra nagger
Walking blimp

 

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CREATE THY OWN SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

Directions for use
Combine one word from each of the three columns below, preface with "Thou" and thus shalt thou have the perfect insult. Let thyself go -- mix and match to find a barb worthy of the Bard

Column 1

Column 2

Column 3

artless
bawdy
beslubbering
bootless
churlish
cockered
clouted
craven
currish
dankish
dissembling
droning
errant
fawning
fobbing
froward
frothy
gleeking
goatish
gorbellied
impertinent
infectious
jarring
loggerheaded
lumpish
mammering
mangled
mewling
paunchy
pribbling
puking
puny
quailing
rank
reeky
roguish
ruttish
saucy
spleeny
spongy
surly
tottering
unmuzzled
vain
venomed
villainous
warped
wayward
weedy
yeasty
 
base-court
bat-fowling
beef-witted
beetle-headed
boil-brained
clapper-clawe
clay-brained
common-kissing
crook-pated
dismal-dreaming
dizzy-eyed
doghearted
dread-bolted
earth-vexing
elf-skinned
fat-kidneyed
fen-sucked
flap-mouthed
fly-bitten
folly-fallen
fool-born
full-gorged
guts-griping
half-faced
hasty-witted
hedge-born
hell-hated
idle-headed
ill-breeding
ill-nurtured
knotty-pated
milk-livered
motley-minded
onion-eyed
plume-plucked
pox-marked
reeling-ripe
rough-hewn
rude-growing
rump-fed
shard-borne
sheep-biting
spur-galled
swag-bellied
tardy-gaited
tickle-brained
toad-spotted
unchin-snouted
weather-bitten
 
apple-john
baggage
barnacle
bladder
boar-pig
bugbear
bum-bailey
canker-blossom
clack-dish
currish
coxcomb
codpiece
death-token
dewberry
flap-dragon
flax-wench
flirt-gill
foot-licker
fustilarian
giglet
gudgeon
haggard
harpy
hedge-pig
horn-beast
hugger-mugger
jolthead
lewdster
lout
maggot-pie
malt-worm
mammet
measle
minnow
miscreant
moldwarp
mumble-news
nut-hook
pigeon-egg
pignut
puttock
pumpion
ratsbane
scut
skainsmate
strumpet
varlot
vassal
whey-face
wagtail
 

In story # 40 Selling a Horse Whip my Keeper of The Cobwebs (The wife) who has multiple personality disorder took on the persona of a Gallant Knight and would often come out with insults such as the ones below.

 

A pox upon thee and thy family, you gorbellied urchin-snouted pigeon egg, who art no greater than the boil-brained malt-worm that bears your mothers name!! Ha, away from me you onion-eyed nave!!

 

Thou art a bootless beetleheaded footlicker!

Thou impertinent, boil-brained fustilarian!

Thou paunchy ill-breeding maggot-pie!

Thou art a fawning fly-bitten foot-licker

Thou Unmuzzled Fat Kidneyed Flax Wench!

Thou gleeking, clapper-clawed hedge-pig!

Thou mammering knotty-pated foot-licker!

Thou art a bawdy dizzy-eyed elf-skinned fat kidneyed dew berry flap-dragon!

Thou art an exact copy of a dizzy-eyed codpiece!

 

Thou art a malevolent breaker of wind! and thy face hath such charms as to stagger the charging beast!
A pox on thee and thy maleficent issue! for thou  art a disease in want of a tissue! If seed of thine were stirred into the pool, 'twould  be the shallow end!

 

A pox on thee thou shallow midden turd !

Thy mother be the issue of ye dragons arse, and thy father ye swines fart!

Thou art a blibbering, swag-bellied scut!
Thou villainous, tickle-brained nuthook!
Thou art a beslubbering, fat-kidneyed maggot pie
Thou art a tottering, rude-growing wagtail!
Thou art a  crusty botch of nature !

Thou artless dizzy eyed barnacle !
Thou art a toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!

Thou art a Yeasty tickle-brained whey-face!

Thou pribbling milk-livered moldwarp!

Thou wayward son of a craven idle-headed foot-licker!

 

Thou art a yeasty beef-witted moldwarp and, by the by, may thou be plagued with reeky, pox-marked barin and a droning, beetle-headed harpy fer ye wife!

 

May thy codpeice and what little  is therein fester and scab!

Thou villianous rumfed maggot-pie!
Thou art ye sick puppy!
Thou art a lumpy natured, pasty visaged, pox ridden pasture-pie!
Thou art a cobweb crotch!
Thou politicians art a bunch of loggerheaded, motley-minded miscreants!
Thou art a gorbellied, dread-bolted harpy!
Thou dissembling, swag-bellied coxcomb!
This man I see is a frothy, fat-kidneyed dewberry!
Thy yeasty, weather-bitten strumpet!
Thou art a haughty, onion-eyed malt-worm!
Thou bootless, lay-headed foot-licker!
Thou goatish, clapper-clawed strumpet!
Thou mewling, hasty-witted hornbeast!
Thou sottish, ill-nurtured nut-hook!
Thou artless, bat-fowling bugbear!
Thou elf-skinned, cockered, adewberry!

 

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Copyright © David B Forrester 2008