2     EBAY

































4a The real sale of the Ark Royal








PDF file of original advert

Below is a transcript of the auction which had 148,380 hits before Ebay pulled the plug and cancelled the auction


Attention Teenage Drug Dealers/Low Life & Oxygen Thieves

If you think you've saved enough benefit from your 4 children before your 20, this could be the answer to your prayers.

A proper bastardised, chaved up Skippy mobile if ever there was. Enhance your street cred at the local drive thru burger joint or council estate shop front no end with this utterly tacky converted little Renault Clio. Not your Gran's idea of a lift to town, granted, but a fantastic opportunity to increase 3 fold your class A drug selling ability. This is the car you need boys. The punters will flock to the window for your home grown skunk and other illegal substances. you just ain't gonna look out of place in this little beauty! Now I've made sure the tax ran out last November, so there is a big pat on your scrawny little backs already. Dig out yer favourite unwashed "Umbro" hoodie and come cast your shifty little eyes on this. Ideal for the "Street Pharmacist" and other suitably attired twats. Your gonna need a baseball cap with this beauty, ideally one that comes with no fitting instructions. Heaven forbid you should put it on the right way. What better way to compliment your stolen Nike Air Max trainers than to be seen dangling a foot outta this pocket rocket. Worried about the Babylon spotting ya, no need. Car comes fully equipped with proper blacked out gangster glass on the side windows. Hell, you could even fill the back up with yer ugly chav kids and knowone'd see 'em. doesn't get much better boys. Ah, but it does. It does. To show your complete and utter lack of taste and knowledge of the motor car you'll also find the ridiculous rock hard lowered suspension to your taste as well. Why not get a step closer to Gran's inheritance by offering her a lift in ya new "wheels" then taking her down the post Office flat out over the speed humps round your estate and hopefully knocking the spine out of her? Might need 2 laps but god damn them single teenage mums smoking Marlboro Lights outside the chippy will be impressed fella's. You know that they like a ride like this. Turn up the Alpine Head Unit, stick in your favourite and incomprehensible "Drum & Bass" Cd and the throbbing out the 6x9 parcel shelf will have them pregnant in no time. To complete the proper drug dealer look, a tasteless stripe has been fitted from the front to the rear. Finished in "Air Max" white it really doesn't complement the car in any shape or form. Rather like you and your Brethren spitting on the floor constantly. Completely needless but you think it makes a statement about you. You'll also enjoy the totally pointless but

ridiculously noisy after market air filter. About as helpful as a fart in an astronaut suit, but hell, you didn't get where you are today by being helpful, did you? I'm quite sad to see the thing go really. There is nothing more pleasurable to me at 41 than to drive round in this bit of shit and look a complete prick. I'd much rather hand the opportunity to you work shy crack head council tenants any day. This little set of wheels is gonna let the other hoodies know you've made it. cocaine and skunk selling is never

gonna get any easier for the lucky buyer of this car. I might have a deal on a couple of gram's of smack or coke, but ideally I'd need to get a serious drug habit before hand. Perhaps someone could help? You can pay in cash or wraps, I'm easy really. Bring along your mums credit card or one that your mate has cloned down the petrol station. If it is going to be hard cash, please ensure it is discretely hidden in a used Tesco carrier bag, and you have folded one £20 note around 4 others. Makes counting so much easier. For any female buyer I'm offering a free Tatoo of something utterly meaninless to go in the middle of your lower back. If you haven't already got your "Tramp Stamp" that is.

If your an under-age drink driver, or under-age driver for that matter, this little beauty really isn't going to attract the attention of the local constabulary at all. you'll drift pass any patrol car effortlessly. Make sure there is at least 6 of you in the car though, Splif in hand. If your driving, have another swig from your 2 litre plastic "LIDL" brand cider as you nonchalantly flip the bird to the passing police patrol. Head off for the nearest estate for some tyre screeching fun. They ain't never gonna take you alive in this. The car does like a good rev in the morning at any unsocial hour. Neighbours will love it and feel proud to live in the same road. don't forget to rev the pants off of it at all junctions and roundabouts as well. This really will increase the length of your manhood no end. your virginity is gonna be a thing of the past when the babes see you in this "fanny magnet". You can almost bet your last eighth of puff your gonna get laid. Hell, might even get a few STD's as well. your gonna get a proper bird with this motor.

For the disqualified driver I'll even offer to recover it from outside the local Magistrates or police station. What better way to impress the local Judicial system in one final act of defiance before collecting your ASBO? Don't let the frivolous matter of actually holding a current, valid drivers licence and insurance put you off this bargain. A visit to your local crack house should procure some

documentation from as little as fifty quid.

Nuff said, innit.



Q: Aiight bredrin duz it cum wi da blingin turbo whistler fingy in da rudeboi xhaust?

A: na man, me got it confiskated by da 5-0 4 been diss

Q: Had to say best writen ad for a CAR IN A LONG TIME WELL DONE DUDE

A: Cheers


Q: RE. Tattoo Can ya do me boyfriend's (also farva of me ferd an forf pickny) name on me neck? (If not, I'd settle for the top of me arm, or across me beer-gut, in a celtic style)

A: ezzy!

Q: I say old chap, your charabanc looks absolutely spiffing. Does one know if one would possibly become attractive to those young fillies out there if one was to purchase it? I also think this would make an excellent weekend replacement for the roller, it would be much less conspicuous when I go out hunting skeezers whilst puffing on a woolah.

A: u is pizzin in da wind bro. me fink u like men..come out bro u safe.

Q: Love it. You should write comedy. Great knobber's car, wouldn't touch it with yours innit bro. 20-

A: it is, innit!

Q: how fast is it mr ?

A: quik as u like bro. quik as u like. See da 5-0 on da tellie

Q: the bollocks of a ad i want 10 for the local druggies round here

A: me only got da 1 bro, gutted

Q: Quality right up lol ..joking aside does the car have any mot & tax?

A: Yep.

Q: Duz it av a massiv exhaust - like that me ome boyz could climb up - so big? If not can you nick me one from Alfordz innit and stick it on in the deal? Sweet wheelz fella - massive respec' from d Midlands innit.

A: d Midlands boyz ! you is safe. but it grim up norf init?

Q: wikked how spacious is the boot? would, for example, the low life shitbag who has started to undercut me on my turf fit in the boot? is it soundproof?

A: u is gettin boddy in boot bro but gonna need to dismember it 'cause me base box inda way..Me mate Alsta do it but he say it messy nd he wanna drink..

Q: Chavtastic me likes it!

A: GixaJax u is 'avin it large. me raise a tin ov rizla 2 ya

Q: brudda.........doz it av 'arry munk ' on de love rak ?..ite........cuz me no wan no marma mans carz...mez pure hetro........

A: no man. mez jaffa. bit ov spud wata dat me juile split doh

Q: i like the wheels though!

A: u bid u by! init.

Q: will you take a kilo of smack as payment??

A: mudda me wheels wurt more dan dat, u been cuttin it yeah?

Q: You my friend are a ledgend nice sale pitch

A: nuffer big shout from da hood to me man LiL


A: BIG shout to da volvo660_1 u is legend. but u wheels is shite bro..


Q: Im married and got another littleun on the way. As such i aint getting a good seeing to from the missus. If i bought this car would i be able to pull a chav bint that can suck golf balls through straws for the price of a couple of aftershocks?

A: Not as well as ur bitch. She good man. But lok afta me kid yo.

Q: Where's the bean can exhaust tailpipe or the standard fit ironing board on the roof?

A: Me lose it on mini roundbout but u find it off A4 slough man.

Q: ahahahah nice one!

A: RESPEK to da batty boys...

Q: would it be ok to pay with fake bank notes????

A: if day good bro, i ain't no squeal. Be safe.

Q: Oh my God thats hilarious! lol ever thought of taking up writing??? Brilliant :D

A: RESPEK to da caz yo!

Q: Respek Man on tha add, can you skin up that mutha for uz with real pukka 24"Gold/Chrome Bling-Bling Rimz, ma homies an me are lookin for sumin serios Bling for krusin the kings rued for pullin all thems serios fit white tottys there.

A: me hearin ya man! RESPEK

Q: heh heh heh,quality ad mate %100 hat off to ya,aint laffed this much fer ages................respect

A: big up!!

Q: Quality, i aint laughed so hard for ages. innit bruv LOL

A: u welcome

Q: i am 64years old can you get me some of the stuff you are on,i use to take the odd purple heart in the sixties.

A: 64 init. u got pension bok u wanna sell? I give u a ounce 4 it cause me got plenty at mo. BigChimp rekon it wurf a 50 max. init

Q: Dat is a well cool ride homie bro. Dus it av da twin Strombergs, Billsteins and da spaks all round innit. Boyakasha. Big up respek.

A: Boyakasha! Boyakasha! Me hearin ya homeboy

Q: Has it ever been raced or rallied or the front wheels spun on the handbrake to burn out the plastic speedbumps outside MacDonalds?

A: me race, u kiddin me. It been ragged man. I keep up wid me cusz on is moped raund da one way systum EASY. init.


Q: Is it alrite to pay wiv the americun expres card whot came with my nu purse whot I nicked from M & S

A: na boffer wid dat. i aint sayin nuffin to da law

Q: yow geeze that is a slaming advert you got me. seriously this had me laughing for ages

A: cheers.

Q: Look mate ill be straight wiv ya ive jus got out and all ive got is a black bag of mobiles i can't get he cash cos me dole dont come for anuvver 2 weeks any chance of a swap for the mobiles ? me missis is up the duff so i need sommat to get er down to sign on cheer geez

A: dat kiddie aint mine bro! tell ya missis i is took some protection. Me ad ma feet tied 2 da bed init

Q: Yerrite Beano, Ise still otanard fo dat Clito, got me Spas, got adds off effry bidda, gonna sort it all larj no prizners. Went wattaskiing on brown lagune in colnbruk, wiv ponsed TV pleece lornch, Megga jolly Yeh, fellin lookin lik pacman smellin of `eau da toillete` kameowt lookin lik batman & smellin of `odour toilet` Hoos dat Wayne Kerr on da bleedin `gloo` kweschin, dat muvva at pre-skool orwat? rispec to da MAN, GETDOWN yoo sadbad Duchypissa..Regae

A: u da baddist boy regaeman

Q: I say chap, that is my daughters car It was stolen from outside Marks and Spencers a week past Thursday. Felicity and I would be very happy if you would return our property to us (undamaged and with a full tank of fuel). If you will not comply then I shall have to inform the authorities. Kind regards Sebastian Howard.

A: woooaay dude!! Possesion is 9 tenths da law. it is my possesion now. Me own em wheels. felicity can work somin out wid me do. Is she fit? anywayz in wernt M & S me found it round da back NEXT but 'ad 2 cut da clamp of. She left some crap CD's init. Init

Q: Are you on the glue mate?

A: No man. me try smoke it but it stuck all over me Rizla.

Q: This is the best thing I have read all week!!! Superb.... :D

A: Big shout to da 2cvbloke. you is got wickd usernmae init


Q: BeanBlaster, Yoose now famis an larj, but street legind annat, Ise awe an umbel to smak da roil parm in up an down for Massif 15, rispec to da Marley off Maydined. Cort up wiv da muckafuvva dat blagged me noxxies an lef im wiv wiid open spases wer is jolliset yoosed 2 ang = `Nun is a majic numba` aka me Spas! me jooley cheked owt wiv 2 choobs jurex play an a rap of me best hayshun hemp las nite aynt belled bac, didshe big pantee partee wiv U bro?...Regae

A: u been on it Regae man!! Respek!! I is goin up town now 4 me goatee trim bro. olla ya L8er ma man..

Q: does it have glow underneath, or does i have to do it meself n'that

A: da brakes are bit iffy n somtime front discs glo a bit but me use andbrake instead.

Q: Do You Ship to Nigeria ? I'am paying by Western Union, I want to By this car for my pregnant 92 years old grandma... Regards Jan Peter Balkellende ( whahahaha...offcourse a not serious question....great eBay item, and SUPER Text respect ) greets Roger ( from the netherlands )

A: De Netherlands! Yo bro me been to hamsterdamn wid da boyz! is rockin init. Me smoke self silly wid all dem caffeys sellin da green. not like sayin me hard foldin for dem girls doh. Neil spent is 50 squid on 1st day and had nuffin 2 eat!


Q: utter classic... i wish i was 17 again !!!, does it have glowing lights underneath it ? cheers smudge

A: u is wantin underlightin bro. me talk to niel down da 'alfords, e sort em 4 ya but giv da man a drink 4 is effort

Q: aight blood. Wud der be enuff room in de back for me 4 kidz and me 3 pitbull mastiff lion tiger cross? dey once ripped open a can ov campbells extra thick chicken soup wid der own teef . Rock ard blood.

A: dee only dogs goin in ere is ma joolie init. And er sister cause she is well fit.

Q: LOL, this must be on every car forum going, Fantastic read...nice one!

A: cool. lets keep it goin!!

Q: Does it come with a blacked out windscreen?

A: wot windscreen bro!

Q: You are a star man . . . Love the add and the q's hope the feds dont see it thou rofpmsl

A: me too bro. the proverbial gonna hit the fan if day do!!

Q: This ad made my day!...classic...noticed the blacked out windows...seems a bit to small for a regular knocking shop!lol

A: I is gonna large em up 4 u

Q: Funny as hell, thanks for making us all laugh on a saturday morning at work, Holden Renault Sales Team.

A: Do you want me to write some of your adverts??? Will work on a no sale no fee basis!!

Q: Kwality ride bro!


Q: I say old chap, could I borrow your car for a few weeks. I have something going on with a Scottish chap called Brown and I think your motorcar will help enormously with my "street cred". I will return it after May 6th. I'm sure I can sort out a fiscal package for your inconvenience at that time. Many thanks. Dave. PS Could you throw in a couple of "Julies" for the boys in the office.

A: My Dear Mr Cameron. Anything to assist getting that one eye'd Scotish monkey out of government gets my vote! By all means borrow it. Use it as your election logo. you'll win all the hoodies over!!

Q: U iz rite Matt with iz grama wordz an dat. i is pruft iz ad 2, an e as got pozesiv apoztrafy afta STDs inall in it. is u a techer at skools an dat coz u is well cleva?

A: Teacher! Me doin da preachin round here honkey.

Q: ere geez ah reckon that motah is wurf about a monkey me old cocka ..but if i can persude me skin to part wif her hard earned [shes got heart and kidney disease, heart lazy and kidney be bothered]ill bid yer a bag o sand fir it ... if its got some rent on it and youll deliver it to me ..jog on son jog on seriously tho thats the most emtertained ive been on e bay since i left sarf est lonon lol nice on squirrel lol

A: oi, cockney boy. It's wurth more den them hammers!!

Q: You, sir, are a legend. Rarely have I laughed so much, especially on a dull, wet and dreary Saturday morning. Hat off to you!

A: Then my job is done!!


A: thanx dude

Q: Alrite bruv, init kickin, sweet init. was u takin credit cards for payments i is also got 14 nokias init wiv and eye fone boooo blud i tell ya safe i just got to get me man jules to get them unlocked init. any way haw many credit cards you want bro

A: is take credit card bro, cloned or nicked yeah? Cupla switch cards wiv da PIn is cool bro. sort da nokkies we deal.

Q: Whyyyyyyy did u do that to ur clio? I hope you found it like that coz if my dad chavved up a car like that id be sick with embarrrassment....

A: don't think for one minute I did it!!

Q: This is ........pure gold! Thank you

A: Nice one dude...

Q: Funny ad, but it's "you're" not "your" you chav. Best regards, Matt

A: Thank you Mathew. Most helpful.

Q: any service history wid da motor geeza? Wots the mileage on it! Thats a phat ride, me Julie is most imprest wid it. Pease out homi. Good to see a like minded gangsta on ere, its all about da benjimans.

A: got service mystery ma man. Paer work n bills n shit yeah. miles is showin 64k

Q: esy bra if i buys this ride will i get all the julies after me init?

A: de julies be trippin up ya manor wiv dis set o wheels bro. Use is gonna get some serios hunnies

Q: ezy beanieman, Me got a couple ov Key's ov Meow landing this week & will do u a chop wiv da motor. Hold the shit the down till da Babylon make it illegal & you will coin in da dollars down the skool wiv da little bro's an loosen up all dem honeez at maccy d's. One toot ov that badboy N U B up 2 yo calvins in pum pum. I can lay u on a few g's tester 4 U & yo bitches. Westside!!!!

A: use & me sing ov da same him sheet bro! I is likein use n gettin me sum good vibe wid ya. Da busyz all oda me drum 'cuase me hommi got spun wid a pit a gear. He tell em it just a bit ov percy so no jail we gettin bail.

Q: Bro, as dis car bin HIV checked and does it got a over ed dipstick?

A: me not got no haitch iyy!!

Q: Yo big dawg me is likin da phat lowride tis well gangsta me homeboys wanna roll out innit. BIG UP CHIEF

A: u get me some paper & u gettin a ride in dem badboyz wheels

Q: I have to commend you Beanmasteruk. Thats one top class advert. Laughed my nads off to that and the questions,Hope it stays active so my ho`s can read too! :-]

A: u is biddin or messin bro?

Q: aye bludfire, im thinkin only fing missin is lexus lights!!!! dope ride tho mans tinkin of biddin one time! primedog

A: me step dad nickd his lexus lights back man. gutted.

Q: Mate, this actually had me pissing myself! How you came up with all of that I don't know but its a quality add if there ever was one!

A: Word up bro.

Q: Hello, I am very rich and come from a well to do fammily. My colleagues Giles ,Rupert and i wish to portray a 'street image'..and wondered whether you would allow us to visit your area and learn the ways of the underprivileged working class. I was wondering, should we also consider wearing the baggy trousers exposing our underpants as a further statement of 'street'.....I was most excited to read your statement that this vehicle has molecular properties which assist in pulling and attracting females. I have never had sex with a dirty working class girl....if i purchase your car pls would you make an introduction to some smelly girls from slough ..i understand they are all ill educated..and simply only know how to breed ..that excites us..Toodle pip..Regards Sebastian

A: seb bro, is u 4 real init!! u wantin ma bitches not ma ride init. I is get u a ho man and u hommies come down n chill in ma crib wid ya crew

Q: Beaniebro, Ise now Massif,Ise trooly Real agen, wun ma cagefite las nite,joey da budgie dont no wot hit im Yeh ! aslo I is groing megga rispec on Uchoob wiv `Puffd-up Prat totals trikd-up Matz` like faym or wot innit? Wun bad bruvver nicked me Noxxies las nite, but Ise scored 130 tax disks for DVLA reefund anna Spas 10shot taktickle Orto, any yoose on da Clito deal, Ma Mayn Blood ?...Regae

A: Regae u da man bro. we is awe bout ya'll. gutted 4 ya noxxies man. you be smokin some good shit bro, u need yer hed on a pilla n some chill pillz.

Q: Mate! Duz it av 1 of dem Tee Vee systemz in da dash? Any ram raid danage?

A: no ram raidin man, we use it for blaggin da coke machine at da sportcenta doh.

Q: Hahahaha, what a write up, Legend. Peace out bro "init."

A: sweet, man, sweet.

Q: alright bluud. Good pr man 7200 viewz, thats mega. Usually only get 700. should get loads a reddies.

A: is is gonna be holdin da foldin bro, you no it. RESPEK

Q: yes bruvvah! where boutz in da borough iz u lok8ed? I wud luv 2 chek dis bad boi out for real! do the stripez add an xtra 20bhp ye? Safe.

A: dem stripes me favorit. me got some on ma nokia communikcatorz as well

Q: Easi blud, isit cumming wid da big ezawst n shit init ?

A: wazzzuuppp!

Q: frightfully spiffing write up...will it be able to transport me to the Jeremy Kyle show for my DNA results , and are you prepared to participate in a lie detector test about the reliability of the car ?

A: i is not gonna tell no trueffs man. no way.

Q: This is probably the best description I've seen in my life. You are a legend!

A: 4nshu you gotta big shout. av u still got me tenner cause me is gonna get funny 'bout it bro, you no wat i is meanin..

Q: love the add mate. well done

A: jimmytipping big high five 2 you an youz posse. safe man.

Q: legend

A: REPSEK. Booyakasha!!!

Q: I say old chap, one is looking for a nice auto for ones Mother in Law. Do you think this might suit the old gal? would there be a danger of her getting beaten senseless if she were to, by pure accident, pull into McDonalds car park, dont you know? If so, this could be the car for me...

A: she not get beaten. she get boned. bring da girl over. me is likein a MILF

Q: Bruv, I is intreste in da car. safe as fuk. any blim burns in da seats? if so can ya get me sum new ones from Neil? Fink i know neil, shifty lookin yoof?

A: 1 or t0 blims butt me not smokin solid now yust da weed. Maybe a few seeds in da carpet doh. I c neil lastnite and we got proper mashed wiv bongs n everytin

Q: Yo Badman. Dem wheels is cris Av U got an addy so me n me bro's can hit your crib & check out da motor. Jus a few q's though. Is Da motor belled up? Has U got any ov dem CCTV tings at you gaff or any other sort ov security bizinezz & what time ov nite do U & yo bitches go asleep? BIG UP FROM DA BADBOUY HOOLIGUN TWOCKING MASSIVE

A: Me hearin ya'll. I is got bells & dogs blodd. Me not sllep wiv da bitches i is bonein' dem al night. Yo and youz crew not blaggin ma wheels from me manna. Dissin ma ride man.

Q: Geeza, ave u got a Bi it naaa I's desperate. Me bitch Joolie says by dis 4 me Winston & yoos can av me up me clacker. R dem seets crusty Elp me art Geez Winston

A: I takz a cuple ofz 9 bar, not soap, cuple ov henryies n sum skunk.

Q: Badbeanyman, Ma joolie sed she moist & ungry for ya sack offa dude, eefen gonna barf & shave er booty, Wot ya got goin wiv thees biches dude?,Iff I mak it 15 passpots wud ya cloo me ya nikka nolidge? Ise stil warkin,stil wet,Regae

A: not be wash hin da beetch. me want it as is. i catch ya on me cellula communikatea later bro, we bang out da deal. Big up. Get me some knockia 8800 wid da pastports dude

Q: Yo ride is well dope geez, an I reckon da front seat will fit my biatch like a glove....I already got a fiver cummin' outta da benefit for me tribe o' kids dat I av some'ow managed to build but I'm sure I can find another fiver a week from me dealin' on da side....howzat catch ya bruv........shout out for the 'astings massive, sick innit!!

A: 'astins massiv big showtz from do hood in da 'f'boro. keep savin dem giro's man, & work dat beetch in da seet. it um up 'ard bro. bye da wey, met ur cuz on remand down feltham. good geezer. he get bail soon me hopez. RESPEK

Q: cuzzy, i was wonderin innit, wud u consider a swap for a bag one of my bredbins home grown plus a sick pair of kappa tracky b'z with all the popper buttons in tact? holla back one time. safe

A: juz maybe man. c ow tings go but goodupya 4 pukka deal. Real. init.

Q: Beaniedude, I is well made up but megga! Ya clito-shed is MUST, Me stretched & jacked Cat`A` Matiz just fallen off da phukn M4 after 7 wite litnins & a shooful of Meffs, Ise renda`d homless & credless wiv ma jooley pushin a weelie-bin in Izlwurf, tayk 11 bent passports for the renorokit ? Regae

A: YO YO man i is genyouin gutted 4 ya, so is ma hommies. You is had well bad luc init. I is always needin pastpot man. we get a deal 2geffer. i is wantin no pics on dem docs right. me make up ma own for da crew. bustin outta here, check up & head up, me respectin yaz. uze julie come stay at mi crib if she easy wid dat.

Q: wagwan breadbin, this ride is sick . . ! fings I need to no B4 I go robbin to get the paper to buy dis. . how mani miles dose it av on the handbrake-turnometer ? coz mi mate daz has a clio an he did a massive handbrake turn dat lasted bout a week and proper fucked his tyres up an nearli melted his rims ! an do you eva get any beef from tha 5-0 or guys wantin to jack ya an nick it ?

A: I got 60,000 mileages sayin on da clock, hard crusin round slough mostly. Been 2 amsterdam couple a 3 times and is well safe. Handbrkaes pukka, init. Woz on sky cops last munth doin 128 on da A4. Da 5-0 never cught me 'cuase I went frew da kiddies park. ma mate got compuota fing dat make it less miles if u want, but yo gotta sort him proper 4 dat. No one tried jacin ma weels but i is always carriyin, just in case, bro

Q: Felicity, the good lady wife, is hankering after "a bit of rough", and this fine vehicle looks just the job for attracting such a scalliwag. Is there a way of fitting a screen such that the rear of the car so that it not visible to Jeeves, our chauffeur, whilst she goes about her business?

A: I is 'erein wot u sayin bout ya Felicity. Is she fit? cos me an da crew fancie a doggin session wiv ya bitch. Bring er round da back ov da chippy 2nite bro and we chek er out

Q: Yo Ma Blood, Like Skwizit weels bro ! Bin finkin to moonlight wedins,foonrals an privat amblance shit wiv dat muvva,Ise aksin cud `neel da steal` score me a rack for da roof?, Dat way Ise puttin stiffies an stretchas on top an keepin bacseet for me an me minga to puff, hump & bang da laybys, rispec dude...Regae da Ringa

A: Booyakasha! Eyes gettin ya big muvva rack man. do wot ya gotta do. Keep it real.

Q: Skobble noodle vark, me old Franger - does the trev coolio the thrunge sproket or do I need to ole ole the biscuit barrel?

A: wot u smokin man? Me is wantin some as well. U is well mashed init.

Q: i is wantin px 93 nova 1.4 sr lambo doors, is rude ride, serious, with 7 pit/staff x pups? is it?

A: frankster man is in da howse. word up bro. wot u sayin man! I taugh u is lovin use wicked corsa man. SERIOUS wheels dare bro. You is gettin all da bitches wid dat ride. init. is it 16 valve bro? me is wantin big up me 'orse power. init

Q: is da enuf room in da back for me hommies and some stash of da ash...innit k m8..respect

A: use get more hommies in da bak dan u can trow a stick at. Big up homegirl. You is well fit. init.

Q: fuck brilliant

A: i is lovin it init. big shout & re spek goin outt to da brooxy10985 from da hood, bro. word up. init

Q: yo man dis car is proper SICK, wil U ship 2 mi couz jamal in africa ? he got nuff paper he can def afford the sickest rides. holla back bruv

A: couz Jamal wanna do a deal wiv some plants. Me needin more afrikhan ganja. Ride is well sick man, ya kno wat i is sayin

Q: Can you put a link to Bable Fish Translator please.

A: no, da babylon might suss man

Q: yer pulled me mate innit, id kep it if u wan some

A: nuff re spekt init. I is hearin ya

Q: Wicked init. I just hope the ebay police don't take the ad off before I send a link to all my mates.

A: Me too. I is needin some sov's so da motor gotta go.

Q: well put mate - brilliant!

A: You is gonna bid on me wheels init

Q: can i pay £5 per week out of ma benefit, willing to throw in my bitch, dog and ne thin else u fancy till paid up

A: I takin youse benyfit book for fiver week but want some pension books and dvd player aswell init. see wot you can blag to do a deal. Friday good for shopliftin so go work dem PC Woorld and Currys. Take off da sekuirty tag doh.

Q: I az got a pitbull that don't like fiting or nuffink. Would you konsi.. consed.. fink about a part x. its got burberry coats init and spikey collar and i've superglued its ears up to look ard.

A: dat wicked 4 yr dogg mate, init. As it got tat oo. I is well likein burberry init. Got some wicked D&G shades for da pup as well. Is it bitch cuse me wants an earn wiv its kitten fings if it a good breeder.

Q: Fookin brilliant write up mate,,,,, but you owe me a new keyboard as this one is now soaked in coffee and snot...... lmfao

A: Ta.


Q: how much for the squiggled out numberplates....just what i need.

A: Day is special from my mate Neil at Halfords. He say tenner bag of crack and you is got yerself a pair bro. Wicked.


A: You can be smack head or needle bro, I aint bovered, init. I take a bitch and some bent 20's if it helps. give ya £7 on a £20. No wot I mean bruv. Init.

Q: is there a towbar fitted,so i can hook up a trolley full of nicked stuff from Asda.???

A: man u is wantin towbar init. I'll sort one out tonight wen halfords is shut. My mate Neil works there and he'll frow one outda back door. init. Is u wantin twin electrics?

Q: Geeez, been finking abowt how to pay if i win it on my stepdads account. My lil sis has a piggy bank wiv a load of metal money, can I bring dat? Or me mate can do a couple ov fone boxes and pay wiv dem. Let us no mate. wayne.

A: Wayne. Geeza. Mush. Init. Large it up for me clio. I think I know ya sis, she owes me a score for dem pills last week. She aint gettin any more on tick now. Get yer step dads account details & my mate will screw his account proper wiv some wicked lexus rear lights for is Corsa. Init.


At this time it would seem that Ebay cancelled the auction although they said it would be kept going.




Original listing by an Autralian gentleman called hollywoodbigshot 15.01.2010

Please click on picture for full PDF view of advert

  Below is a transcript of the Ebay sale

Since the loss of my Chinese made minibike, pocket bike, kids motorbike, waste of money, I have been busy planning the motion picture ďDestruction of a Chinese Pocket BikeĒ starring the Yamaha Trike of Death. The film has been kindly funded by Ebay member Joshfart who was the successful bidder on the bamboo framed pocket bike. But donít think Iíve spent all my time on film making, no way. Iíve also been out there scouring the world, or at least my neighbourhood for cool but unnecessary items. And what a beauty I have for some lucky bidder in this superb item.
I knew that the guy selling this thing was lying to me about why it wouldnít start. He tried to tell me that it just needed a new battery, however my !!!!!!!! alert meter was ringing at full noise and I knew he was lying. The thing had about as much compression as a ceiling fan and I knew that it never had a chance of starting, not without magical intervention. I even showed the guy that no matter how much hocus pocus I threw at the bike, it wasnít going to start. I even filled the fuel tank with the blood from a pickled octopus and two hens teeth, but with such pathetically low compression I was sure that it wouldnít run on anything other than OP rum. The local bottle shop was closed and I had no choice but to accept that the guy was lying about the battery and pay him exactly what he was asking for it.
Unlike the Chinese pocket bike which is soon to become a Hollywoodbigshot in its own right, this Yamaha minibike is made in Japan, not China. Even the fireworks made in China are unreliable, most of them exploding or emitting sparks even if they just catch on fire. Japanese motorbikes donít even catch on fire that often, but if they do their warranty period lasts longer than the flames, and they are able to out-pace the flames. So I was convinced that there would be thousands of these things out there in the world, I mean I even lapped the world twice in the space of a suburban backyard on the 80cc version when I was a kid.
Oh how wrong was I. What I had bought was an extremely rare piece of machinery. In fact when I tried to google the model number, only a listing of hot Russian brides with mono-brows came up in the search results. I knew that I would need parts to get it running, even if it meant obtaining fast long make happy number 1 parts from China. Even China, who had copied everything from rice to itchy bites, didnít have a replica parts list for my machine. I was in strife. I thought that I may even have to fashion new parts for this thing myself, after all, I have a lathe Iíve never used, a drill which can go through brick walls and some chopsticks. I had everything a Chinese space lab needed so all I was lacking was time.
As the bike was a Yamaha, the spanners and sockets I had all fitted the nuts and bolts required to strip it down. On removing the top end, I was able to see why it had such little compression. Initially I thought the bike may have had a hole in the piston after ingesting some metal eating termites during its many years spent sitting in someoneís shed. I was wrong, for the 238,652nd time this year I was so wrong. This poor little bike was merely suffering from a scored piston. Clearly, the sadistic beast that had owned this thing before me had let it run out of the precious two stroke oil in the fuel mix so vital to making the tell tale white smoke produced by such machines. They must have stupidly relied upon the autolube function and never bothered to actually fill the oil tank. As a result, the scuffing of the piston against the dry bore ended up with it having more scores than a cashed up DJ at a dance club. In China, such a piston would easily pass QC requirements, but not with the Yamaha, a machine that is so well made that the same company use parts of their motorcycles in their musical instruments. In fact, Yamaha clarinets are actually exhaust systems from a prototype no-wheeled trike that never left the factory.
I had to get a piston, and the thoughts of casting my own like the hero who created the worldís fastest Indian entered my mind for five seconds, then I thought about making my own worldís fastest Indian by sending a container of Hayabusas to Mumbai and getting a few street kids to race to the finish line, where a Trike of Death T shirt waited for the winner. I realised my mind had wandered, so I let my fingers do the walking and searched the net. After two hours of searching; nothing. So I tried my local bike shops, nope, never heard of the GT50. I was in serious trouble. I couldnít allow such a sensational bike sit in my shed with its poor little conrod hanging out like me that time I went to the dunny at the pub and forgot to do my fly up. I had to try harder, think laterally. Maybe I could do what the Chinese do when they construct their bike engines; just stomp on some aluminium cans and fashion them into something about the size and shape of the piston - but then I remembered I needed rings too.
During another five hour stint on the internet, I found some vital information on the particular motor that is fitted to this bike. Armed with enough secrets to sink a golfer, I was now in a position to order the new parts. I could have gone to the first size oversize, but there would be little improvement on power. I opted for the third oversize, which is a whopping, wait for it, 0.5mm larger in diameter than the original piston. I thought that with a bore that massive, I may even need a decompression lever. I may have to put a smaller carby on it just so that it didnít make the earth spin faster when I took off. I even thought about not putting a piston in it at all and let another fool like me accept that a motor with as much compression as a pair of undies around your ankle would start with just a new battery.
I found the genuine replacement piston, rings and pin in Singapore of all places. So after a quick but expensive rebore and port job, this little bike was ready to go together. Iíve taken a shot of the barrel and piston just to prove that it has in fact had a top end rebuild. I can tell you now that many a top end rebuild out there has involved nothing more than a $5 can of degreaser, but not me. I fix things properly just in case I canít sell them, like the Trike of Death for instance.
Once together, the bike started on the second kick. On the first kick, my foot slipped off and the kick lever almost punched a hole through my ankle, I just wasnít expecting that much compression. I did the second kick with my hand and it ticked over like a clock. It was time for its maiden voyage and what happened next was amazing.
As I gently squeezed the clutch lever in and clicked the gear lever into first, I was suddenly taken back to 1978, the year I first rode my mateís GT80. At the time, his was near new and it was one of the most modern looking bikes around. Being 1978, you could get away with riding minibikes in parks and on footpaths, nobody cared. Back then, you had your milk delivered in bottles and the only thing that would steal it would be a thirsty magpie. In 1978, the summer was longer than these modern summers, everyone had a big backyard and lucky for me we had a workshop on 5 acres of land. That little 80 was ridden all day and into the night at every opportunity we had. No, it didnít have a savage power band, upside down forks, disc brakes or anything else special, but it drew a crowd of people just happy to have a few laps. In the delusional state of imagining I was back in 1978 I took the GT50 for a ride around the block. Strangely, the kids across the road didnít want a ride, the lady two doors down put the hose on me, three people rang the police, a dog ran away from me, someone wrote a letter to the Environmental Protection Agency, warning signs banning riding were erected, a big fat bloke shook his head in disbelief, a car swerved to miss me, boom gates were placed at the entrance to the fire trail, a block of units were built on the vacant block down the road, the local carpark was chained closed and another guy yelled out, ďHey !!!!!!!!, why donít you just get off that thing and go inside and play a computer game.Ē
The next thing I knew there was a police car in my imaginary rear vision mirror and it was on for young and old. I knew the GT50 would be able to out run the V8 highway patrol car, but I decided to play with them a bit. I clicked it into second gear and opened the throttle on the freshly honed motor. I struggled to hold on to the handgrips as the reed valves (ex Yamaha saxophone) opened wide and the bike hit its 2,500 rpm power band. My arms started to stretch and my fingers started to straighten and before I knew it I was travelling at jogging pace. Fortunately for me I wasnít wearing a helmet, as the added weight to my head would have either a) ripped my head off, or b) slowed the bike down a bit. The smoke generated by the sudden burst of power was enough to calm the bees for a 400 km radius, so I robbed a hive I was passing by and had myself a nice honey sandwich.
The cops were hot on my tail, and it was time for some tactics which mainly included escape. I swerved violently from the road in a gentle arc and headed down the nature strip. I had a plan. I was going to lead the cops onto the front lawn of old Ma Simpsonís three doors down. She had the worst bindii patch this side of Stringy Bark Creek. The local kids would only attempt to cross it if their new six stitcher was on the other side of it, even then only with desert boots on. This was 1978. The cops followed, but the bindii didnít puncture their tyres like I thought it would. Both my thongs were filled with bindii as I did a toe dragging victory wheelie in front of them, but they kept coming. I needed to give the bindii time to work, hopefully the RE71s would succumb to natureís road spikes.
Swerving between two shopping trolleys bought me a bit of time and a broken elbow. The cops had to stop to move the trolleys and by the time they caught up I was in 3rd gear. I slip-streamed a guy on a skateboard for some extra speed and just when I thought my luck had run out, I spotted a milk crate. I rode close to the milk crate and kicked it up into the air with my left foot. The cops hit the milk crate and both airbags deployed, leaving the cops to fill out accident forms for the next hour while I rode the back streets home.
Returning from my test ride, I was suddenly transported back to 2009 and reality when the under -inflated front tyre lost traction on the left hander into my driveway. In an effort to control the high-side, I put my body weight over the tank and hoped for the best. I forgot that Iíd built up a significant amount of muscle in the form of a beer gut since 1978. During the mayhem of the slow speed high-side, I managed to pinch my gut between the tank and the seat. I also put two distinctive grazes on my !!!! after the unsecured seat fell from the frame. After tearing a small hole in my Kmart jeans, I realised that 1970s minibikes just werenít for me. I had lost the ability to safely control one of these old world beasts, and it was time for it to go.
I must also note here that the massive tail light on this thing has a bracket which was purposely designed to provide a free vasectomy to any rider doing anything other than reading about the bike. I have the scar to prove it.
Now that it runs well, it is the perfect time of year to sell it. You may have some spoilt little kid who all year has been pestering you for a minibike, but you know that their behaviour doesnít justify such a present. Youíve thought about buying a Chinese minibike because they are cheaper than some bird seed and a flat white. You know that kids only stay excited about a present for as long as it takes to remove the wrapping paper, which happens to coincide with the need to replace the chain and sprockets on the Chinese minibikes. But you are clever because you read about my Chinese bike and now steer well clear of them. You have considered a gaming console, but you canít jump a tabletop on a PS3. You have locked yourself into getting them a bike and this may just be the one. Sure, theyíll say something like, ďBut dad, this is crap, look how old it it, itís like, 50 years old or something, youíre fired.Ē
Thatís when youíll be glad you didnít buy the spoilt little brat with anything nice and you can smile happily knowing that the bike is now yours. Your own time machine back to the 70s. You could even use it to go back in time and show those girls at school what you have learnt.
I had to make my own minibikes when I was a kid, the first one was made entirely of imagination and some staples. The second one was fashioned from six cicada shells - thatís how poor we were. The third was made of dreams and an old three speed Malvern Star dragster with an ill fitting and slippery right hand grip as a throttle. I even used to pretend to put petrol in it. It wasnít until I was old that I could afford my own minibike, so I bought three Honda XR75s and they still sit in the shed. You see, I donít have the time to ride them any more, and as much as I would like to think that one day my kids may like to, Iím wrong. In this modern world there is no appreciation for old and inefficient items which were a good idea at the time. I think that thereís probably a kid out there just like me; hair moving from the top of the head to the inside of the ears. Unlike those Chinese things with bamboo frames disguised as steel that have invaded the modern world, this minibike is the real deal. It is an appreciating asset because everyone who sees it will appreciate the era it represents.
Now the starting price may seem high if you multiply it by five, youíre right. I donít really want to sell this thing because now that I know how rare it is, Iím unlikely to ever see another one. If I had $1 for every time I had said, ďIf only I had have kept that thing.Ē Iíd have about $8. Unlike a laptop computer, this will be something to look at and think, Ďwow, I only paid that much for it, now look what itís worthí. I do that now with my laptop, but not in a happy way.
It has matching engine and frame numbers, beginning with FT1, that probably means something to someone.
I will box it up and for transport to anywhere at the buyers expense and upon prior arrangement.

Question & Answer

Q: My name is Svetlana I am in Vladivostok I dont have much money as my lada niva break down just like my electric shaver thats why I have a monobrow .will u post item to russia and is there any damage from the bus or casualties Tanks Svetlana from Russia with love ps can she run on russian vodka instead of rum?

A: Svetlana, of course I will post to Russia. How do you say, no problemski. Everyone on the bus survived, but the bike looks older from the crash. I would like to sit on your strong lap while you tell me stories about what it was like growing up in Russia. You can fill me with Vodka and burp me if I need it.



Taken from

Lucas Replacement Wiring Harness Smoke



Copt of the Lucas Wiring Harness smoke Ebay Item.

Have you inadvertantly let the smoke out of the wires on your classic British

car? This, then, is the solution to your problem!

Here is presented for your perusal one Lucas Replacement Wiring Harness

Smoke kit, P/N 530433, along with the very rare Churchill Tool 18G548BS

adapter tube and metering valve. These kits were supplied surreptitiously to

Lucas factory technicians as a trouble-shooting and repair aid for the

rectification of chronic electrical problems on a plethora of British cars. The

smoke is metered, through the fuse box, into the circuit which has released it's

original smoke until the leak is located and repaired. The affected circuit is then

rectified and the replacement smoke re-introduced. An advantage over the

cheap repro smoke kits currently available is the exceptionally rare Churchill

metering valve and fuse box adapter. It enables the intrepid and highly skilled

British Car Technician to meter the precise amount of genuine Lucas smoke

required by the circuit.

Unlike the cheap, far-eastern replacement DIYsmoke offered by the "usual

suppliers", this kit includes a filter to ensure that all the smoke is of consistent

size, It has been our experience in our shop that the reproduction Tiawanese

smoke is often "lumpy", which will cause excessive resistance in our finelyengineered

British harnesses and components. This is often the cause of failure

in the repro electrical parts currently available, causing much consternation and

misplaced cursing of the big three suppliers.

These kits have long been the secret weapon of the "Ultimate Authorities" in

the trade, and this may be the last one available. Be forewarned, though, that it

is not applicable to any British vehicle built after the discontinuing of bullet

connectors, so you Range Rover types are still on your own...

This Genuine Factory Authorised kit contains enough smoke to recharge the

entire window circuit on a 420 Jaguar, and my dear friend and advisor George

Wolf of British Auto Specialty assures me that he can replace ALL the smoke in

a W&F Barrett All-Weather Invalid Car(147 CC) with enough left over to test a

whole box of Wind-Tone horns for escaped smoke. How much more of an

endorsement do you need?

More, you say? Well, I once let the smoke out of the overdrive wiring on my

friend Roger Hankey's TR3B, and was able to drive over 200 miles home from

The Roadster Factory Summer Party by carefully introducing smoke into the

failed circuit WITHOUT even properly repairing the leak. Another friend, Richard

Stephenson, was able to repair the cooling fan circuit of his Series 1 E-type by

merely replacing a fuse and injecting a small quantity of smoke back into the

wires. So there!

So, if you're troubled by lost smoke, bid early and bid often! Thanks for looking!



Here's a few of the 70 of questions asked!

Q: I have a fourteen year old son named Lucas who I have caught several times in the back of the garage smoking. Can this item help him to respect a little firm parental intervention and aid him in smoking less .... Or even stop him altogether?

A: Part of the problem may be the fact that you named your son after the Prince Of Darkness. Mayhaps you should be happy that all you have caught him doing in the back of the garage is smoking! My suggestion is: since you already have spoiled him for life with his moniker, you search the 'Bay for a

proper little British car to restore as a father-and -son project. That way he'll have a way to fill the idle hours he'd have spent chasing girls had he been named Rocky or something more suitable. Plus he'll learn firsthand how disgusting smoke can be. Alas though not with this unit, because whilst trying to photograph it for a spread in "Popular Ether Technology" it was unfortunately broken. Therefore, the auction must be terminated early. Thanks for the heart warming interest.


Q: Once I have re-introduced smoke into my TR-2, do you warranty that it's system will resume operating at the speed of dark?

A: If you reintroduce the smoke through a microwave oven, you may even go back in time!


Q: I have been very diligent over the years and have maintained the smoke in my Sunbeam's wires The problem is that that special Lucas perfume has disappeared from the dash, carpets and seats. In fact, at the last Concours d'Elegance I lost out to a frogeye with period odors. Is the smoke in your kit fresh enough to bring back the OEM smells of burning plastic and bakelite and are you including an adapter to replace same.

A: No adapter needed, but have you tried just STARTING that overrestored trailer queen? It might bring back the aroma by itself.


Q: This has been a most informative thread which set me off thinking about wider global environmental changes that have happened since the mid 70's. Could it be that the copious release of smoke from Lucas wiring looms around that time has significantly contributed to the holes in the ozone layer and the onset of global warming? Could it be that, had your excellent device been more available at that time, we could have saved the planet for future generations instead of fighting a rear guard action? Hindsight is such a wonderful thing isn't it.

A: Hey- This is a serious site- we're not discussing "junk science" like Global Climate Change!


Q: I have a questions. For some time. My object is to restore a the few pre-Chrysler Rootes Sunbeam Tigers to original factory condition, with ALL the LAT racing options. So far, I have been quite successful, but unaware of your Lucas Smoke Kit. I am perplexed as to it's satistactory application to this original British Classic that Mr. Carroll Shelby has enhanced with a lot of Ford (USA) parts. This includes a large portion, but not all, of the electrics. It is very easy to differentiate between the Lucas Parts and the Ford Parts, as the Ford Parts still work. While we cn admire Mr. Lucas for the development of the intermittent windshield wiper, the self-dimming lighting system, and the colorful turn signal spark generator, it is unclear whether your offering wll work satisfactorily with so much of the electrics originating in the US. Is this device compatible, as the US parts do not show signs of leaking smoke?

A: The Lucas smoke may cause failure of the connecting interstices, but the, so will everything else.


Q: Maybe you can help me. I have an old generator that I have suspected of having a metaphysical ozone leak for several years. Itís one of those things I feel I know to be true but cannot prove. Anyway, through an ingenious marriage of a Sharper Image Ionic Breeze air purifier and a breast milk pump, (by the way, both were obtained on ebay) I have devised a way to recharge the ozone that I can smell leaking from the generator. But, you guessed it, when I disconnect the wiring to introduce the replacement ozone I invariably cause a smoke leak. Do you think there is a way to mate our two machines in such a way that I could ďkill two birds with a single stoneĒ Ė if you will.

A: That's just wrong.


Q: Can I use this device to replace the smoke in my Alfa Spider? Is Brit smoke the same as Italian smoke?

A: Only if it's pre-Bosch.


Q: Will this kit put back ALL the smoke in a 1975 Midget wire harness? Some time ago while driving our 75 Midget smoke began pouring from under the hood, after pulling over, smoke was immediately followed by flames. A HUGE amount of smoke was lost from the wire harness (10 minutes worth before the fire deparment showed up). Your jar appears to be too small to contain the volume of smoke produced by the Midget on that day. Please specify quatity of smoke. PS - Would you know where can get bulk replacment glue on insulation, there is none left on any part of the wire harness under the hood. The harness appears to be intact but is lacking smoke holding insulation. I'm planning on rerouting the main power buss from over top of the fuel line. This way next time I will have smoke, red hot wires without melting thru the fuel line. Thanks in advance.

A: You'll need bulk smoke, but I'd try your last suggestion before ordering any. Good luck!


Q: Is this setup on the "metric system" or can it be used universally? I have a MB 380SL but have replaced some of the wirings with U.S. products. Will your product make the transition? Also, are there any EPA imitations on shipping?

A: This setup is Whitworth only. sorry.


Q: As you may or may not know, the Japanese 'borrowed' heavily from British designs back in the 50's and 60's. In fact, the Skinner Union carbs on my beloved Datsun 1600 roadster were actualy built by Hitachi under license. Also, most of the electrical devises in early Datsuns were copied from Lucas.That said, do you know if an adapter is available to use the Lucas Kit you offer on a Datsun 1600 or do I need to keep searching for the Hitachi/Mitsubshi version? Thanks, Paul

A: It sort of worked in my Datsun 410 Station Wagon, but the lights all shined in instead of out. It was quite disturbing...


Q: Does this unit contain new or re-cycled smoke and will if my 1966 Triumph Bonneville motorcycle?

A: This is new, previously un-leaked smoke, as originally installed on your T-120. Have at it!


Q: Would this product fix the Miller dynamo on my motorbike? The smoke got out of it years ago and I am in despair. Having to run a total loss electrical system now. Please, no smart-alec comments about nothing to lose. I have been desparate for a cure for years and will jump at anything. I get so depressed. But I really liked your answers to all the questions. I learned so much. You must be smart. What are some good upgrades for my bike? Should I get a Boyer electronic ignition?

A: Probably.


Q: It looks like a self contained, auto smoking, environmentally enclosed, smoke recirculation, multismoker bong I created in the late 60s. The only thing missing is the air manifold (from a fish tank setup) to hook up the individual smoking tubes. Are you sure you didnít get this idea from me, when we were smoking that wacky tobacco one time? ; > )

A: Could be. I can't remember.


Q: I have the idential part but needs the smoke refill cartage, i was told to ring 84433 3-33888444555 or speed dial 666 is that you?

A: No, that's that shop in Michigan.


Q: Do you have any idea if the kit will work on Alfa Romeos? My 1963 Giulia has bullet connectors, a Lucas windshield wiper motor, and a variety of other Lucas components. Earlier Alfas had lots more Lucas stuff, such as starter motor and generator, so I imagine it's more suited to them. On a different note, did Alfa's change from Lucas to Bosch signify the end of the of the 'Italian masochistic' era?

A: This will work with the Lucas portions. The Bosch change was a misbeggoten effort to work around the simultaneous Italian/British Stevedore Strikes of the early 70s.



A: Got me. I got my VIC-20 to run one game of "Hangman" with just a spritz, though.


Q: Enough, enough already! I cannot allow you to perpetuate this lowbrow fraud any longer! Anyone with any knowledge of Lucas products should recognize that the Lucas label art on the jar is wrong for this early version of the smoke kit. And of course, the lid should be black with the valve oriented 180ļ to the label. The smoke color itself is not original to the early cloth insulated wiring and perhaps even for the early plastic insulation. Bidders beware, this is most certainly a replica, and a poor one at that possibly from Taiwan. Additionally, the smoke replacement kit was meant to be used only by highly qualified personnel. The dangers of misuse are indescribable - certainly I can'tÖ, but the phrase "gone up in smoke" was born of this process.

A: Oh, yeah? well, in the interest of openness, I'm going to place your tirade on the site. That doesn't I like it, though.


Q: I wonder if you would do an exchange (with a cash adjustment in my favour). I have some bottles of 'bottom air' that was supplied by Dunlop many years ago. The advantage is that it takes up very little space as of course when you get a flat the top air in the tyre remains perfectly serviceable, it's only the bottom air that needs replacing. I will wait your reply. All the best from the UK.

A: If this is the proper bottom air for a set of 4.00X 10 Gold Seals, we may be able to work a deal. We have a '68 Moke in the shop with original rubber, and the domestic bottom air keeps migrating out. It evidently deoesn't have enough atmospheric British ambient smoke to fill the pores in the tyres.


Q: My brother Joe is currently (well last 8 years) working on a mini and he's never managed to get ANY smoke out of it yet. Would it be possible to use this kit to make some come out of other parts of the car - not just the wiring loom. I was thinking mainly about the exhaust...

A: No.


Q: Geez, I wish I had seen this auction before I bought some "off-shore" smoke. I didn't realize there was some OEM stuff left. To make matters worse, I switched to synthetic smoke (yeah, I know) but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Unfortunately for my 72 Range Rover, I have not yet been able to fashion an effective bypass for the optional Fairey smoke pump which has recently failed. If only you could have made this item available earlier!







October 2010 Cameron & Cleggs big sell off

Coming soon. Harrier jets, Government buildings, National Forest, and many many more.




PDF file of original Auction

Full list of questions from potential bidders

Q: Hi,I am a American potential buyer,is this the original Ark Royal Ship? reason i ask is because i   bought London Bridge thinking it was the Tower Bridge,also can you deliver it to Arizona for me??? my native Indian friend Tonto said he will sign for the delivery of it,thanx,Hank.

A: Yes not a problem , i also have the tower of London if you want it ??

Q: Hi matey, Just a thought (and I have been thinking this all week, but thought i'd remind you about it before it goes into the last 24 hours) ... what happens if it sells for just over a million quid? - are you sure ebay wont rub their hands together and wait for the £10,000 comission to come rolling in?! Like I say - just a thought....
A: I will have to find another ship to pay the fees LOL

A: Not a problem go for it

Q: Hi mate, Will it come with full tanks of fuel ???? and is it HPI clear ???? Cheers Scotty
A: Sorry no fuel, not sure about the HPI LOL you never know

Q: I had an old boiler and several radiators stolen from my drive, Two geezers in a flatback transit,be careful where you leave it until sold,make sure its locked up and secure. Regards,SKINT PLUMBER.

Q: Hi would you accept some magic beans I have as payment and could you give me a quote for postage, as I am too busy to collect right now? Cheers, Paul
A: Magic beans hell yeah

Q: Is Seaman Stains, Roger the Cabin Boy & Master Bates part of the crew? 
A: No sorry we are saving them in reserve just encase we need them

Q: It's long john silver here I recently crashed my ship so since I don't care about are defence I would like to purchase this item but does it come free with no one as it was originaly? Cheers
A: Hello long john silver Sorry but we are all out of crew we sacked them , but i do have some civil servants if that helps

Q: Any sailors for sale sweetie pie? Love George Michael x
A: sorry only civil servants now

Q: Is it suitable for converting into a floating casino - say near Hong Kong? 
A: Now you are talking , sounds like a good idea and if it takes off there are a few other RN ships we don't need any more

Q: Hi, I am interested purchasing the HMS Ark Royal for 'some friends' and I was wondering if this comes in any other colours? Also is it taxed and does it have a current MOT? Cheers Si
A: sorry just grey and no MOT is required

Q: hi ive been filling my car up for the past 10 years and have accumulated allot of nectar points. i want to know do you take nectar card? as filling that baby up would certainly get me frequent points?
A: sorry cash only

Q: Any chance of a test drive? I have many years experience with such vessels as HMS Superb!! I feel I am a better captain above water rather than below, and fancy the luxury of using my own eyes...
A: not a problem just let me know when you are free

Q: buenos diaz amigo, ah me and some friends in Buenos Aires [who are not in a Junta at all] need a large boat to store some furniture.. If we promise not to take it to the Malvinas could we bid on this senor? mucho grassy ass Juan
A: Not a problem i have had a lot of interest from Buenos Aires and we are all friends now

Q: How hard is she to steer? Just that my neighbour's wife has a habit of hitting things.
A: you will need a crew LOL

Q: Any idea of the cost of how much to respray in fake plankton?????, I plan to sink the beast for an artificial reef reserve. I am no expert but any idea of where could I sink it vertically? Cheers
A: Not to sure , good luck bidding

Q: I am a civil servant in the prime ministers office of Kindom of Elekubtekibal, unfortunately he died in a tragic accident and I now have £100,000,000,000 to invest in a warship. I would like to have a private discussion and also require your sort code and bank account number (or credit card number) so I can transfer deposit to you. Please note again that this transaction is strictly confidential between us and as such should be kept secret. Be rest assured that this transaction is 100% risk free. Please contact me in the utmost confidence.
A: Not a problem i will keep your email a secret

Q: my husband served on that ship just befor it got decom i know how you feal the govement dont do enough 
A: The RN is the best in the world and i understand there has to be cut backs but we still need to be able to put a task force at sea with CAP and i just hope that something will change

Q: a banking director with me nose up the ass of loads a mp,s were thiking of buying this for fun as we got loads a public money to spare.will you give a dicount and we will look after you.nudge nudge wink wink.
A: you have your self a deal nudge nudge wink wink

Q: Hiya chuck, have you anything else along the same line as this for sale? ive had a bit of good luck on the lottery and fancy starting a private armed forces for hire, this could be my flagship, i bet the MOD have loads of gear they dont want or hardly use, and the money would come in handy for cameron and clegg to cover the giro payments for all the vikki pollards across the UK, in fact i could start "Giro cruises" and swap one week around the shetlands for 1 weeks JSA, it could be a winner, not sure about submarines though having seen one run ashore this week. Will the Ark Royal come with any harriers or helicopters, or could i park it on the Thames in London as a floating car park? (another good earner!), anyway, keep in touch and remember, all the nice boys love a sailor

Q: helo sorry english not very good i am looking to bid on boat but do you think i can hide it in my cave for a while until no more fighting in my country then i will come and sail around britain and america when the heat is off i may need to defend myself against hostile forces also Regards Osama
A: Not a problem we dont need it anyway ?

Q: Will you accept £7 Billion? I've changed my mind about the foreign aid. Regards George Osborne
A: Yes got your self a deal, thanks for the email

Q: Hi Given the nasty winters we keep having and the increase in floods around the world I am thinking of starting a floating zoo with 2 of every species of animal in the world (except ducks and fishes), will this ship be suitable to house them and does it have sufficient excercise room, thanks Noah
A: Loads of room , good thinking

Q: Is the colour scheme the same the same throughout?
A: A nice grey on all

Q: Would you consider exchanging for weapons grade plutonium?
A: no sorry got some of that to sell next year

Q: Hi there, is it true that the proper Harriers, the ones that beat the Argies have been sold already and that what comes with the Ark is the cheap plastic RAF bombers that can't fly in the dark or bad weather? Is it true that they just went to Halfords and got new stickers saying Royal Navy over the RAF badges? cheers, Uncle Albert
A: erm YES

Q: We, the crew of HMS Ark Royal are all willing to be included in the sale of the ship. With regard to the buyer needing a suitable mooring for the ship we suggest that it be moored alongside the Houses of Parliment and painted pink. 
A: Thats the sort of thinking we need in this country

Q: I am the current Commanding Officer of this doomed ship. I would like to be included in its sale because I want to go down with my ship.
A: Not a problem the more the merrier

Q: coor bit of a profit margin you got there considering she cost £332,900,000 from new back in 85
A: debt to pay , you know how it is

Q: Could you tell me.... "Is the crew supplied with the ship" ?
A: sorry no crew all on the dole line

Q: Hi my english no so gud, can you asure me tat ur item will no longer b avalble to ur cuntry as my cuntry is think of start a fight with u.
A: You are safe for 10 years hope that helps

Q: My name is King Baz and I am looking for one of these for an ornament in my large fish tank. If I send you a £Billion by Western Union can you send me the change back in cash? I'm on the Throne reading Heat most mornings so please reply mid afternoon. HRH Baz.
A: mmmmmm not to sure , might have just won the Nigerian lotto so will let you know

Q: Hi What insurance group is she? John 
A: Insurance group 346, i would try Tesco first

Q: I want to Buy To Let...are there any clauses in the sale of said tub that discount me letting out to foreigners?
A: No clauses go for it

Q: Hi Scottbrad - I haven't got enough cash but do you have a price in Tesco Clubcard Vouchers, and you say local collection only - is it in Witham and can I meet you at the railway station and take it back on the train as I have many purchases before now?
A: Ha Ha sorry cash only we have a debt to pay, I'm in Witham the ship is currently at sea once she returns you can collect.

Q: I was thinking as the housing market has died maybe I could rent it. I would need to move in with alot of colourful lights and a huge amount of duct work. I have a hobby growing plants you see. I think the several megawatts of generator may come in handy. I have found in the past a need to move quickly how fast did you say it goes?
A: Not to fast , but i love the idea

Q: Hi iam just wondering if it has any MOT and Tax, when was it last Anti-foul painted, oh and what colour is the captains chair
A: Sorry bad news the captains chair has been nicked , Good news no MOTs or tax are required

Q: Will you include some bonny sailors if the auction reaches a high enough price
A: We only have civil servants left now sorry

Q: Is there a buy it now price?
A: Sorry no , we are hoping to have a auction frenzy with the highest bider being Argentina at the mo

Q: How long until it next needs an MOT, and is the it due for tax renewal soon? Also, can you give a ballpark figure for postage and packaging? Many thanks.
A: Sorry this item is collect only , no MOTs needed still in the prime of her life

Q: is this item advertised elsewhere and do you have a buy it now price? Do you have the V5 and would the number transferable? If i was lucky enough to win the auction how much to deliver to Coventry Kind regards RM
A: This item is collect only and there is no BIN price that would be to sensible

Q: Hi Stelios here - you may have heard of me - I own easyJet, easyCar, easyCinema, easyHotels and easy Cruises to name but a few of my easy businesses. I see a great future for the Ark Royal allowing me to combine easyJet, easyHotel and easyCruises in to one new business - which I think I will call easySailor! To make this work - I will need to be able to land Boeing 737s and Airbus A319s on the deck - do you know if the runway is long enough - and any idea where I can lay my hands on 10 million gallons of esyJet Orange paint? Anyone want to buy shares? Stelios H
A: I dont think you will be able to land any 737s or 319s but the rest is all good

Q: am i right in thinking this ship is to be de-comissioned and how soon as im thinking of visiting the falklands again but this time for longer thanks for your help ,argen and tina
A: Hope you enjoy your stay and we are selling the ship to who ever wants its so we wont be able to use it again

Q: Gracias Senor, Do youa a sella the broken SSN Magoo(maybe you call it Astutee) so we can have a little oliday say inda Porto Malvinas. Gracias. PS You no telldem Paras they not welcome Si, nota like denm blokes. Hope da Senoritta Thatcher getta da betta soonas eh?
A: Thank you for your email , see you soon

Q: Does this ship come with a full service history? and how well maintained is it?
A: She is very well maintained and ready to go

Q: How many lifeboats are there in case I come up against a one with fighter jets on it? Also, does the Sat-Nav recognise icebergs? Cheers, Alan.
A: Life boats are provided for all sailors sat nav works for icebergs and we can also chuck in a rescue boat (but only before January as they are to be sold in February)

Q: Buenos Dias Senor, Canna you pleese tella me when da bigga shippa not go south anymora? And when da Merta Negra no flyer no more. you tella ma yes that no morea flyer flyer a jetta offa deck oh bigga shippa. Besta Regarda Lt Com Anaya (~former Argentine Navy Ret) Muchas grathias 
A: Sorry could not possible tell you or anyone else we dont have any air cover for our navy, national security and all that

Q: Would you be interested in a deal, in accordance with ebay rules of course, with some Nimrod aircraft??
A: Sorry no , we need the money. but best of luck selling the Nimrods

Q: I trust there are no leaks, as I'm thinking of renting it back to m.o.d when they realise what a cock up they ve made
A: No leaks it all works well, can i suggest you paint it and say its new and add a few harriers on the deck

Q: Should I send a cheque to yourself, the MOD or number 11 Downing Street. Ps can you throw in a couple of AS-90 Mobile Artillery and a few Snatch landrovers for good measure.
A: Cheque to "we don't care about the Navy" thanks not to sure about the AS90 and Snatches we were going to paint then a different colour and sell them back next year

Q: hi i am from afghanastan and am wondering if this comes with explosives and a crew for 6 mths? thankyou for your time!
A: can be sorted out, i can offer some civil servants ?

Q: Would you consider posting? Also is there a returns policy in case it does not fit in my pond? Thank you ;-)
A: No posting , no returns , we are off to vagas with the money

Q: i live in birmingham, will this be able to be delivered via the birmingham canal?. im hoping to get the onboard armament in range of dudley.and nechells. and err.. ferk it, bring a nuke! it all needs levelling.
A: Sorry i think the ark royal is to big for the canal but might have some subs in 5-10 years so please check back

Q: Does the ships company come with it after they are all made redundant?
A: all redundant sorry

Q: Does it come with a couple of squadrons of harriers? Or are they a seperate auction ??
A: harriers will have their own auction but i believe that they will sell like hot cakes as they are so good and i have had a bid from Argentina for some flying fun

Q: Does it include the crew? (but I don't want any Bootnecks) cheers, Jo
A: No crew , just got some civil servants left, any good ?

Q: dear scott are you vat registered ? could you provide a vat invoice
A: Only if you are going to miss use the VAT invoice and give me 5% bit broke at the mo

Q: Great boat Have you still got the paddles? lol :-)
A: sorry already sold

Q: Hi ,could you tell me if the challenger 11 has parking sensors ? and also do you think they would fit in a parent and child space at waitrose ? many thanks ,chelsea tractor
A: sorry they do not fit in child spaces but do fit on top of every thing else so you can park as close as you like or just drive though

Q: Hi I am the current high bidder - this is just what I have been looking for - as a Somollian pirate - I am sick of having to board tankers from inflatable dinghys and I think this big boy may just give me the edge - what do think?
A: sounds to me that you are in the know and can think of the future potential of this ship , do you fancy joining the uk gov i can see a bright future

Q: Hi, Im assuming this is a collection only item? I have a vw golf, will you supply a road trailer with this please? the MOD refuse to supply me one of their old ones :-
A: sorry no can do we have sold the road trailer already sorry

Q: Do you think goverment will flog me one of the nimrods + a few tanks along with everything else we could line up on the deck and turn into museum so the bankers can pay to see whats going on put a few quid back in 
A: sorry you will have to pay for them and the Nimrod MRA4s are selling like hot cakes on ebay at the mo Tanks might be ok, also might be able to sell the Falklands island if the argys dont get there first

Q: Hi there I was thinking of buying a couple of tank regiments asthere will be money in scrap value if I load them on board the Ark Royal and Ship them to India, but my real question is ( as you are in the know) can you give me a nudge when Portsmouth dockyard is about to close and come on the market as it would make a great Butlins cheers Chris
A: sorry moving on to sell the RAF and Army next , but i will keep your details safe

Q: hi as there are a few thousand forces personal being made redundant,could you throw in a couple a hundred to man pay a couple a quid more than the 40 odd quid thay will get in unemployment.cheers
A: not a problem, thanks for the help , I have some civil servants if you want some ?

Q: How much tax is left on it? Would you consider taking some used snatch Land-Rovers as part exchange? Cheers, Tom
A: yes how many snach land rovers do you have ? i know some one in the army looking for some new kit , a bit of paint they will never know

Q: Hi, Any chance of a trial run out as I don't want to waste my money if she ain't up to the job of keeping the Icelandic fishing fleet away from my rod when I'm fishing Saltburn Pier? Cheers 
A: Not a problem just bring your own crew and jets etc

Q: hi.would you be able to give a vat recipt so that i can claim on my mp exspencise.
A: Not a problem , let me know what value you want the receipt to say Lets keep it between us though, dont want the workers to find out

Q: hi if i win the auction can you help with delivery as i only have a small car trailer kind regards ,bob
A: This is a pick up only, all my people are looking for more savings to make the UK a little less safe Sorry

Q: Hi can you tell me the weight roughly?? and the overall length? im making a trailor for the back of my fiat panda.what is the interior deco like? Thanks,,Tony
A: 211.4 metres (693 feet) long. She has a maximum beam of 35 metres (114.7 feet) and a displacement of 20,235 tonnes. hope that helps , not sure if the panda would pull it, might need a old land rover Deco is grey with grey

Q: Hi there I was wondering how many nautical miles are on the clock, and does it come with full service history? Many thanks, Capt. SM Timbers
A: Not to sure on mileage but it does come with a full dealer service history and still works extremely well (not sure why we are selling it now?)

Q: Hi there , does this come complete with crew and armoury as the last one for sale on here did not have any extras !!!!
A: sorry no extras, the crew will be laid off but you might be able press gang some of them

Q: Shippers, can I get my dhobying out of the forward bathrooms before you sell? Only I may well need my nix and sox for the weekend.
A: sorry no can do, once the auction ends thats it

Q: My father in Law used to serve on this ship, will he qualify for a discount?and does ne need planning permission to park it in his driveway?
A: Hello Planning permission is not required but i can not discount as we need the money happy bidding

Q: Can I take her out for a test sail?
A: Sorry but i don't have a spare crew as i have laid them all off, cut backs and all. Happy bidding

Q: Are the anchors included or are they additional? lol 
A: Hello Thanks for your interest and great news , the anchors are included, i have also learnt that we might be able to throw in some Challenger II tanks as well if your interested Regards









A poem by Wegion that sort of sums it all up


Benbows days are over and our ships are almost gone
No longer will Britannia rule the waves
Once proud and noble sailors who died to keep us free
Are lying now and turning in their graves

Thereís a statue up in London and the tears come to its eye
And they fall on to the busy square from High
Thereís two old salts just sitting there their wind lined faces set
As they try to fathom out the reason why

Ships lie rusting in the dockyards waiting to be scrapped
As politicians talk about defence
But battles such as Jutland Trafalgar and the Nile
Mean nothing to those lacking common sense

We are an island nation the greatest some would say
For centuries we kept the oceans free
But now our politicians rant about others human rights
And the pirates take their hostages with ease

But letís go back just 30 years to 1982
When the Falkland islanders were overrun
A mighty task force headed south to try and safe the day
And did not return until the job was done

But if this happened now we know that both our hands are tied
By the people who are supposed to lead our way
We could never raise a force again that would be fit to do the job
And keep those invading enemies at bay

From Nelsons wooden walls to ballistic submarines
Our navy has always served us true
The waters of this Sceptered isle Have always remained safe
Thanks to the men that wore the Navy Blue

So as we beat retreat once more and another ensign lowers
And we watch Britannia sink below the foam
Letís think of all the jacks that sailed in the old grey funnel line
And kept generations safely in their homes








Another listing by Hollywoodbigshot 3 Feb 2011


Selling a Quad bike


PDF of original listing



Below is a transcript of sale


Sellers description

The Chinese can make some really tricky things, like hard drives - and soft shelled crab in ginger and garlic sauce.  Why they chose to make quad bikes is beyond me though.

 I have once owned a Chinese pocket bike, which is still here at my mountain hideaway awaiting destruction at the request of the Ebay buyer.  As yet, I havenít found anything as worthless to risk in the destruction of it.  Even my old mattock with the broken handle and missing head is too good to wreck.

 So how the hell did I end up with another Chinese made motorised machine?  Well, it was about 15 long weekends ago when I realised that the tribe making their way to my mountain hideaway for some holiday fun would not have enough vehicles to get around on.  It was either let the kids ride my industrial fan around or buy something else with wheels and an engine.  I didnít want anything too safe, otherwise I ran the risk of having someone go home without an injury.

 So in one Trading Post induced buying spree, I went out and bought this satanic piece of plastic and cheap recycled metal.  I even paid good money for it too.

 Let me just say that Iíve seen my fair share of Yum Cha, and donít even knock back the chickenís feet (provided they wore shoes), but if my BBQ pork buns came around on one of these quad bikes Iíd turn my nose up at it.  The stainless steel trolleys are far more sophisticated.  This quad bike is an example of the punishment that we Australians deserve for insisting that every Chinese meal is served with prawn chips.

 There are some good points to these quad bikes, but I canít really think of them at the moment.  What I can recall though is how sheet it really was right from the start.  It was as if someone had decided that they needed to cram $600 worth of technology into a quad bike but with a budget of $6.59 plus GST.  This thing even had a remote control to start and stop the bike, the starting button was a placebo though.  It also has lights, which only worked because light bulbs donít rely on the correct polarity to work.   Iím not sure what the other thirty odd wires actually connected to, but whatever it was the bracket supporting it didnít even make it into the crate it was packed into.

 You may notice that it has a sort of camouflage style bodywork.  Handy if you ever wanted to hide out in a pool of diarrhea.  The only place where this quad bike would be able to make use of the camo is when you take it to the sand dunes and thankfully lose it before someone gets to ride it.

 The mechanicals are a piece of work too.  Believe it or not, it has hydraulic brakes.  Hydraulic brakes are good, far better than a cable made from Singapore noodles.  However when the brake fluid is soy sauce, stopping on anything other than a sushi train becomes a problem.  The engine looks mysteriously similar to a Honda motor, although without the luxury of any brand names cast into the side covers.  It is also made from ducks tongues, which although a delicacy in China are not much good as conrods.  The clutch plates, like many other plates are made in China, but unfortunately these ones contain more as best as (after two days of wondering why this listing didn't appear, I learnt that the real word for that old fashioned fibro was prohibited "eBay Note: This listing has been cancelled due to listing violation. See "My Messages" for more details.")  than a Ď50s dunny.  Fair dinkum, obviously their scanners don't see the humour.

 I shouldnít be harsh, but I canít help it.  I should take the view that you get what you pay for, but that too is wrong.  Really, how can a Suzuki minibike cost as much to buy as a second hand Pulsar with less than 200,000 ks?  They arenít worth that much.  70cc bikes should cost $700, 1300cc bikes should cost $1,300 Ė but then everyone would buy a Hayabusa and ride at the speed of sunset, almost light.  What the Chinese should have done is met the market half-way and decided to sell things that look like the real thing at half the price, not a tenth of the price.  That way they could have actually filled the wiring with copper instead of bamboo shoots.

  You might wonder why the starting price is a little low considering the masterpiece that it is.  Stop wondering because Iím about to tell you:

 It was a hot sunny day here at the mountain hideaway.  Some snotty kids from up the road decided to come over for some motorised adventures, so I handed out a few quad bikes and an old soap on a rope and let them go.  Despite the full tank of fuel, I knew it wouldnít be long before someone walked back to me with one of those stupid faces on because their Chinese quad bike had packed it in after only 10 minutes.  Luck is what I thought.  Normally the plastic fuel tanks melt after putting anything other than hoisin sauce in them.  So it was as I expected and five minutes into the adventure one of the kids came back and asked for a rope.  ďRope?Ē  I asked.  Sure enough he had taken a wrong turn and rode his diarrhea camo quad bike into the dam.  It wasnít under water, but it did get the plug lead wet and it took a whole pair of gumboots to get it out.

 After pushing it all the way back to the workshop I decided to have a crack at getting it going again.  Considering its value, and the fact that my time is worth at least $3.20 an hour on a Saturday, I spent just over six minutes trying to get it started.  I got as far as removing the air cleaner and cranking it over, but that was it.  The kid was left to sulk about the fact that all the other kids had at least gotten to blow their quad bikes up after 12 minutes. 

 Now it has become a trip hazard and Iím really keen to see it go to a good home.  It could be useful as a project for someone who likes turning water into wine, or perhaps just getting this thing going.  I think it probably only ever ran for a few hours in its whole life, which is enough to explain why all the bodywork is as cracked as a Chinese take-away container after two trips through the dishwasher.

 Donít start thinking that youíll just snap this thing up at a bargain price and jump on the internet and download workshop manuals.  These things donít even have a brand name.  In fact, they change their names quicker than the email address of the Nigerian guy that still owes me $120,000,000 for helping him out with my bank details.

 Donít think youíll be able to buy another one for spares either.  The factory that made these things was built on such shonky foundations that every hole drilled in the frame is in a different location for the sixty seven million they made that afternoon shift.  Your best bet would be to stuff around with this one for a while and learn a valuable lesson:  If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is a Chinese quad bike.  Without venturing to the local landfill, I think this quad is one of a kind, a bit like a taxi with headlights which are actually aligned correctly.

 By the way, it doesnít have any gears.  It was designed to be simple to ride, not simple to keep running.  And yes, that is a wasp which has filled the exhaust with mud.

 Pickup is from my mountain hideaway, between Newcastle and Taree, somewhere.


Question and Answers

Question & Answer  
Q:  I was not finished with my merciful plea for deliverance from this grotesque succubus of a redneck heifer that has attached itself like a barnacle to my life, thus this is a continuation of my previous cry for help. I'm not kidding, this chick looks like the rape-child of Marlon Brando vs Jabba the Hutt, but bigger. At one time she was more tolerable and looked more like a tree grub covered in hair. I could live with this considering I prefer to return home pissed up on a pint of Everclear, at that point, I'd screw a rockpile if I knew there was a gopher in it. Once she had her first litter of children, she really puffed up like a popcorn kernel and even 6 doses of viagra combined with a paper bag on my head couldn't get my willy to stand at attention. If you think I'm exaggerating, I am not! A whole bag of flour dumped on her only reveals more rolls and she resembles a queen termite. Please, for the love of god, sell me this quad so it will break and leave her immobile in the woods!  
A:  Now I know that you're really just madly in love with her. You just want to see that puzzled look on her face when after a long day of her riding the quad bike around, she wipes after a number 2 and is left with two black skid marks on the paper. At least the quad bike will be in a safe place. I bet she's a real stunner, one that people can't stop staring at, but you're jealous of that lack of attention and therefore write nasty things about her. You know that next time you go out, it will be the same stares that get you wound up like a pair of undies in a lawnmower. Just accept that she's a hottie and that people are staring at her and thinking "I'd like a piece of that, make that a family size." It is actually trendy these days to have an enlarged heart and a cholesterol reading above 84. You should try some of my recipes and throw some beef on yourself, then you too will attract the stares of wanting ladies.
Q:  Which do you think would win in a fight, the Yamaha Trike o' Death or the Crapzilla Quad Bike From Quang Gong? I'm seriously considering this quad bike over a trike considering the fact that it has one more wheel. This makes it inherently more appealing to my 400 pound sweathog of a whitetrash hillbilly girlfriend to ride into the middle of nowhere. At that point, I will roost away gloriously on my Honda ATC 250R and forever be free of her Hamburger Helper freeloading ass! I'm not kidding, that bitches legs look like they're molded from 5 week old cottage cheese. My hunting dogs can pickup her trail from over 12 miles away, where she is usually stranded at some random Chinese buffet. I keep telling her to stop sitting in the booths, after 6 servings of Kung Pow Ninja Chicken she can no longer slide her fatass out the booth for another bite. At this point I have to embarrassingly dislodge her with a highlift jack and a portapower. If you think I am exaggerating, you are sorely mistaken.  
A:  The Trike of Death would be a clear winner. I still have the Trike of Mediocrity and ride it regularly. At my mountain hideaway girlfriends like yours are more than welcome. You can camp down by my volcano and I have a tractor that we could use to roll her over twice a night, just to annoy the slaters and centipedes which have found shelter under her blubber. I don't mind how big your girlfriend is as I don't discriminate against people who weigh a few ounces more or less than me. I had a girlfriend a while ago and she was very thin, in fact her bone marrow was on the outside of her body. She had a great appetite though and would probably match your lovely lady if it wasn't for the fact that she got lost inside my Dyson one morning. Feel free to come and camp if you are brave enough to bid on the quad. You could even put a pizza base underneath it and tell her it's a poo pizza; the tyres do look like olives. I'm sure she couldn't resist that.
Q:  Once, at band camp, someone had one of these quads. He claimed it was pumping out 100 hp, but after I rode it, I think the power of 100 millipedes would be closer to the truth. What you think were handlebars were coathangers with black tape on them, and what you thought was suspension, was actually the springs out of BIC pens, joined together with celophane. But seriously...I want this beast. I have a feral buffalo problem on my million hectare property located on southern most tip of Antarctica. Do you think this is the machine to help me rustle these animals into beef jerky strips? I don't want any buckets of crap...I need the real deal. I have tried Hondas and they left me feeling a bit week in the wallet department. I think this machine has potential...get back to me ASAP. Oh...and that Nigerian...he could have been my uncle...apparently I have black relatives and they all left me $1000000000 each...all i have to do to get it is give them my bank acct details. Easy as...  
A:  Antarctica! Believe it or not that is where I bought this quad bike. The bloke who owned it lived on the edge of a crumbling glacier and got sick of the fact that the quad bike didn't have a choke. He had to set fire to his hair and hold his head near the carby just to thaw the fuel in the bowl out. If he didn't get it started that time around, he had to wait six months for his locks to grow back. He decided to sell the quad bike to buy an at-home hair regrowth laser that he saw on TV, and it came with a free steam mop. Don't worry about the quality of this quad bike, the handlebars are not coat hangers with black tape on them, they're actually quite good, probably made from old fly spray cans and would even fit a buffalo, saving you the time in mustering. We're both lucky with the Nigerian riches. Seems everyone over there if filthy rich and willing to dish out cash to anyone. Bid in confidence my friend!
Q:  Mate I love the listing - it kept us entertained for a solid 10 minutes. You should write a novel. I do have a serious question though - does it come with either air conditioning, power windows, or cruise control? P.S. I did put a bid on this work of art!  
A:  10 minutes, that's even longer than the tyres on these things last. They make them from charcoal flavoured chewing gum. I took the air conditioning off it thinking it was a termite nest, but when my pet echidna wouldn't go near it I threw it out. Shame about that. It does have cruise control, which is that rusted and seized bolt sticking out of the throttle housing. I hope you are lucky with your bidding - maybe you should bid $8.88 as that is apparently a lucky number for Chinese quad bikes.






Below is a transcript of advert

This is my ex girlfriendís TV and TV Stand. I am selling them, as she no longer lives in my house. She accidentally fell into bed with Steve the other week.

Steve is not me.The TV was used previous in her private ďTV roomĒ; one especially allocated so she could curl up and watch ďAmericas Got Essex Come TalentĒ privately. Now, she doesnít have any rooms allocated to her. This is because she now lives with Steve.

Steve lives in a one-bedroom rental that smells of horse and bottom.The TV, stand and remote come sold together as a neat package, very much like my girlfriend, her deception, halitosis and unsightly thumb wart.

The remote is an ingenious device that allows the television picture to come on but also off. You can choose either. This provided much pleasure for my gibbon of girlfriend who would marvel for hours switching it on and off claiming it was magic.woefully the TV does not have HDMI, which is, agreeably, a compromise by todayís standards I know; much like, oh, letís say, living in a one-room-pigsty-slum-hovel-hog-parlour with a disastrous looking man.

The standís legs are aesthetically finished in chrome and thankfully do not make small children point, run away or vomit.

This 32-inch JVC classic is presented in grey, which is Steveís favourite colour but it is also a colour reflecting the true joy I wish them both as they start their life together in their cosy mutant burrow.

There is an array of channels that the television can pick up such as One, Two, Three, Four and also additionally Five. Five is also the number of male friends my ex can pick up on Facebook; every ten minutes.

The TV also has an Aux channel, which is a complicated channel you can play games on such as Sonic. She thinks Sonic is real, and I once caught her in the garden at night calling him with a bowl of milk.

The buyer will collect the item in person from Swindon from a neutral address. This is because my current home is being forensically cleaned in an attempt to prevent the inhalation of warts via airborne pathogen.

Swindon incidentally is a town in England. Early colonists of Swindon in the 1800s were originally en route to live in Bristol because it's cool but mid-way on the journey the horses got tired and refused to move any further than Junction 15 of the M4. The first shops followed in 1840 and now Swindon has proudly progressed into a modern, up and coming town; with both a Boots and a handy Halfords.


Below are the questions and answers

Q     Hi there...I wonder if it has all the channels, remembering your watch had the numbers 3, 6 and nine missing, I am worried I can't get babestation on and that is a documentary not to be missed....Do you have any pics of your ex girlfriend in the nakk for sale I wonder? You have cleaned the stand, I take it? Many thanks.

A    Hello eBay user and inquisitive human soul, Yes the items have been cleaned as per the description, and I can confirm that the TV does come with all mod-cons including the recently launched Channel 5. This is a commercial channel, which is free provided you can pick it up in your part of the country, it will be rolled out nationwide shortly. It plans to be a channel to rival ITV and Channel 4 and show very different programmes and high profile content. I am sure it will be an enormous success and broadcast many flagship shows we will remember for a lifetime. I have heard about the documentary you speak off, it speaks of these poor destitute women who were captured by evil forces and forced to have phones grafted to their hands. The evil forces also made them all have wobbly legs, hard hair and horrific pants and shoes. During their capture they were forced to unlearn any microphone technique and start and finish every sentence with "guys". I really wanted to watch it again too, as last time I saw it they were looking for a cure for that ridiculous phone shaking tick they all have.



A   And you are mine.


Q   Hi Do I take it that a reconciliation is out of the question?

A   Brilliant!


Q  Are you going to sell any other items that have belonged to this scarlet woman? Or have you burnt them all?

A  This is the last auction in the current series, although we will be back in the spring after the "try'ard" stigma has died      down  and the wit has been restored.


Q  hey there...just wanted you to know this made me laugh so much........and I am a girl!!!......wish I was nearer so I could bid and win and shake your hand!!!!

A  I would be happy to shake your hand, provided you do not have leprosy, if you do, this too is OK, as are all inflictions, preferences, colours and tastes, but I may just wear gloves.


Q   Hope your cat on mend, aww bless, does this mean wateva the tv goes for is goin to cats protection charity. best wishes

A   Yes I will be posting verification on my @boogieandcookie Twitter that the winning amount went to the lovely catty creature charity.


Q   Having seen your previous listing for the pop watch that the warty hag bought for you, I believe ebay ended it early, can I ask if you are willing to do a deal on both the watch and the TV? My own warty hag would appreciate the TV and I have a limp wristed friend who appreciates iffeminate watches.

A   I am sorry about your friends wrist accident, I do hope the ligaments return to normal usage in due course. The watch has been purchased by a rather nice man in Hampshire with normal wrist function, but the TV is still for sale


Q  hello boogieandcookie ,, which is you ? , do you own the actual tv ? as , if i win it i don't want to be picking the item up , and have to face your scabby ex bird and her new , aromatically challenged , bloke , and have to endure a custody battle in the street , wouldn't want onlookers to think a riot was about to kick off ,, please advise ,,regards , steve

A  "Riot" Topical indeed kind sir, thank you for your email. I do own the TV and it will be at a different location as stated in the above description. The previous owner only part owned the item as when it was purchased it was purchased by myself. According however to the holy scriptures when a man purchaseth an item for his woman, then she hath own that item and all other items previously owned by the man automatically by virtue. In this case however as the transgressor hath allow herself to be thrust upon by a third party several times this then normally voids the rule of ownership.


Q   have you cleaned the remote? i don't want to get thumb warts

A  Yes Chemtech visited the property after she left, I commissioned a team of 11 who, wearing chemical cleaning suits, visited the property to clean all items she may have come into contact with, sadly only 10 left the property, but overall it was a success to put your mind at rest.


Q    There is nothing wrong with the smell of horses, however I do prefer to keep the aroma in the stable with the horse. Or is it Steve who gives off the Eau d' Cheval?

A   Thank you for your email. Being exact it is a cross fuse aroma between horse and bottom. It is hard to note the originating host as some people's houses do smell but they do not. In this case though it might be him as when I shook his hand the aroma was left on my hand rather like when you stroke a smelly dog outside ASDA.


Q   Hi never laughed so hard in my life anyhow i bidded an amount so you can go for a night out with some mates get hammered pull something else she sound like a moose

A    Tut tut, you have much to learn my good fellow. Women do not get "pulled" this notion disgusts them, they do on the other hand if it suits them allow you to "pull" them. There is a very big difference. A woman is able to know if she will allow "pulling" several months in advance. Within speaking to you for ten seconds the female mind is able to calculate your net worth and what date and exact time you will be allowed to perform your allocated intimacy with her. In this split second the woman also is able to calculate the "opportunity cost" of the above, or in other words, the cost to you for the opportunity of taking up her valuable time. For instance a postman or man with normal job has to spend a larger percentage of his annual salary on gifts, surprises, travel and subsistence and hotels, than a footballer for instance who can often procure intimacy for a packet of crisps and a Twix.


Q   If i win this bid ,do i need a passport to travel to Swansea ... I am in London ?

 I am pleased to hear from someone who lives in the be all and end all city of London. How is that going for you? I bet you have been enjoying this weather, sunbathing on those vast expanses of grass you have there. Maybe taking a boat out on that calm and idyllic river you have, everyone is so friendly, I do envy you. It is actually in Swindon which is not Swansea, but let us not split hairs, its just another country with it's own language. That said these two towns do share a similarity in that the residents can still get to work in London before you.


Q    This is absolute poppycock of the highest order. Horses are not even allowed on the M4. They would have taken the A4 and would therefore (luckily) have missed Swindon completely and ended up in Chippenham. I hereby conclude that this TV is, therefore located in Chippenham. Good day.

A   Hello dedicated eBay user and thank you for your kind observation. Whilst you make a reasonable point you are mistaken, but it is an easy mistake to make. Everyone knows that the M4 was actually created in 1453AD. It was ordered by Emperor Skodia Octavia as a settlement for his wife Julius O Maximus Bottimus. The legend tells of how Emperor Octovia and Julius were conducting a rather difficult divorce settlement where she had requested either ownership of all the Emperor's Gold, and also the Black Sea for weekends, or as an alternative an enormous road; a feat that she cunningly knew the Romulans would not be able to achieve. But he was determined to keep his gold and out of spite he decided to build the road afterall, but, he made sure it traversed through the most evil and ugly provinces in the land. He also ordered his Romulans to ensure the road was without interest, curve or feature. She was devastated but had to accept the road as legal settlement. Nothing much in the scriptures about Chippendale though.


Q   Sonic isn't real??????

A   Haha.