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1 AN OLD LAND ROVER
STORY 39 SELLING A JUICER ON EBAY
COOKING, COULDRENS, AND GREAT CRESTED NEWTS
Below is a transcript of the description on the original Ebay advert
My wife has used this a few times to juice carrots and apples etc in the hopes of keeping me healthy
I on the other hand do not do healthy (When will she learn)
The reason for the sale is below
Why my wife (A fully licensed practicing witch) used a juicer.
Being a witch is at times quite boring. This is most evident when potions are being created in The Great Cauldron*.
To bring a cauldron full of water up to boiling point, and then to render various flora and fauna to consistency of a thick spell enhancing broth requires a lot of time, and because there has to be a running dirge of incantations the witches have always to be present. Also the mixture has to be constantly stirred, for should a bats wing be overcooked and a cows eye be under cooked the resultant potion will give different results so that what should have been a love potion for spinster Alice at No 3 will if not cooked correctly make her hair fall out and turn her teeth black. A little known fact is that the leftovers of this labour are not thrown away or given to the cat but are eaten by the witches and their families, so should the resultant broth not be stirred properly there would be lumps, and no one likes lumpy broth, the bits just get stuck in your throat.
*The great cauldron is a thing both of beauty and antiquity, being handed down through the generations. Some witches use old oil drums cut in half or galvanised steel dustbins, but these are considered second raters. You cannot boil up a good potion unless you have a ¼ inch thick iron plate cauldron to do it in; Apart from being a safer container the cauldron has the residue of all the many potions created within it encrusted on the inside.( Much like old teapots where a thick layer of tannin imbues the tea with an added zest). Some of this is down to laziness as who after doing a 6 hour stint making potions wants to spend an hour with the Marigold gloves and Brillo pad cleaning the pot?
Great care must also be taken that the pot does not boil over, for some of the potions are very volatile and should they ignite would cause an explosion that would annihilate anything within a half mile radius. This is why the pots are so thick for if ignition did take place the blast would be concentrated upwards towards low flying aircraft and barrage balloons. In fact the Chinese got the idea of mortar cannon from these exploding cauldrons. (It seems strange that a nation that invented gun powder and could decimate its enemies from a great distance should concentrate its fighting methods on Kung Fu and other close personal combat systems).
The wizening of crones
You may have wondered why witches of centuries past are portrayed as wizened old crones bent over and crooked. The reason for this is that they were constantly sitting by fires with their backs to the cold. Any one who used to bath in a tin tub by the fire (or still does) will tell you of the misery of charred flesh on the side facing the fire and frostbite on the other. (They will also tell you of the delights of carbolic soap and scrubbing brushes wielded by uncaring mothers). The results to the witches of this sitting in front of fires were arthritis of the spine because their backs were frozen.
On the heated side their nose was the closest body part to the fire so it suffered the most. When young the witches had their noses hardened off by copious applications of salt and vinegar. This protected them from whatever was spat out of the cauldron during the stirring so that not too much damage would be caused, but due to the constant heating and cooling the noses grew very long and crooked. Although the nose was protected the rest of the face had to suffer and thus was covered in warts, boils, and various eruptions. Also due to the acrid fumes the face turned a slight green colour and the voice rendered to a cackle. This may explain why my wifes face, covered in barnacles and other crustaceans warts etc looks like the bottom of a Thames dredger.
The pointing of hats
The pointy hat was to catch bats. The hat would have a sharp needle sticking out of the top. When out on their brooms at night they would fly through a ***swarm of bats with their heads held down with pointy hats lowered, the bats, their sensors not seeing the needle sharp points would then impale themselves, this left the witch free to use both hands to steer the broom. It was also a handy place to keep frog’s etc caught when out on a stroll. Witches have not always worn pointed hats. At one time they all wore flat caps much loved by northern folk and two southerners, Chas & Dave. In 1759 there was spate of hat abuse where hats were sat upon for no reason. Fed up with this the witches made their hats pointed so that hat abusers would think twice. There was an upsurge of hat abuse in the 1850s, to combat this the top hat was introduced, often being as tall as 3 feet which saved them from being sat upon but you had to avoid low bridges , clothes lines, and the Wright Brothers.
The juicing of things
My wife being ever the impatient sort wanted to speed up the making of the potions. She realised The Great Cauldron had to be used for it was an intrinsic part of the process. The key would be to make the bits you were trying to cook more ‘cookable’ie render them down. A bats wing whole is a very tough object and in fact it was not the physical bulk of the wing that was required but more the essence. And so she decided that she would keep up with modern times and buy a juicer. She could have bought a blender but as I said it was the juice or essence of the animals she was after, the gritty bits were not required and all they did in fact was get stuck in the throat. Also lumpy broth would be a thing of the past.
Juice the juice
As I was saying to speed up the cooking time she decided to render the items down to a mushy soup.
But like most things she took it way beyond ‘the reasonable’and decided all our meals would be sent through the juicer.
We then lived on a diet of everything juiced from the Sunday dinner complete with juiced Brussels, Yorkshire puddings and spotted dick to breakfast with juiced cornflakes and toast. Had I been a toothless old crone who’s only way to ingest food was to suck it. Then I may have found this quite useful, as I have all my own teeth (I paid good money for them at the local car boot sale) I found it very …..er… wet!!
This was not my idea of a liquid lunch.
I also think she saved on the house keeping by putting stuff in the juicer that should not have gone in, on more than one occasion I found what I was sure was a cat hair getting stuck in my
May 15th 3rd day of sale
I have had a question from a concerned Ebayer asking if this is the same juicer that was used for the frogs legs and bat wings.
Fear not dear Ebayer for this juicer is one I bought off Ebay as the wife wanted a back up. It was only used a few times with carrots and other vegetables**. but by this time the lad and I were utterly fed up with drinking breakfast, dinner and tea every day so I took the fuse out of the plug. When she asked me to mend it I said the motor had gone and I would sell it on Ebay for spares. Heh heh heh. Little does she know but I took the fuse out of the first one as well. My dearest has lost faith in juicing machines and has gone back to normal cooking. …..Well I say normal, nothing my wife does is normal but I would rather eat crunchy mashed potatoes than drink them
**I can garauntee that no animal parts have been put through this machine)
May 18th 5th day of sale
The Macking of the Beth
A note from history
Its ok putting in eye of newt and leg of frog but these things take a lot of energy. For instance, it takes a good four hours to render a bats wing down enough for it to become a potion or spell, using the open fire method much beloved of Boy Scouts and Ray (whoops my knife slipped) Mears
A little known fact in Shakespeare’s play was that Macbeth had to wait six hours whilst the three witches cooked the broth to the right consistency so that they could read the signs. In fact they had enough time to nip to ‘ye olde fishe and chippe shoppe’, get ‘ye olde hubbies’ a bite to eat and Hoover ‘ye olde house’.
Macbeth in the meantime busied himself on kingly business like gambling and lost most of his kingdom to one of his minions in a game of ye olde dice but the minion gave all his winnings back when Macbeth threatened him with torture because he thought a hex had been put on the dice, there was a hex on the dice put there by the minions mother, witch No 3. This was why when they read the runes Macca got such a bum deal on the prophecies. Had they had a juicer then the pot would have been ready in a fraction of the time, old Mac would have led a peaceful parochial life and his wife would not have had to wash her hands so often. Oh and for you ‘greenies’ out there it would have saved a forest from being destroyed. Just think the course of history could have been changed and more importantly those trees saved.
May 20th 7th day of sale
The Great crested newt scam
You may think that my dearest captures and boils every reptile that she finds, but no, she is into conservation especially when she can see a pecuniary advantage in doing so.
Take The Great Crested Newt. This creature was made for the pot, a newt’s potency in spells making is legendary. The conservationists blame urban development for the demise of this lowly reptile, but no , the only reason it is endangered is that most of them have been boiled down to make potions and lotions.
My wife seeing an opportunity to make a bit of cash breeds these newts in our bath tub. Not only does she sell them to other witches but also to the public.
If you have an unwanted bypass being built in front of your house just dig a hole on the planned route fill it with water and put in a few newts purchased from my wife. Then stand back as the heavy machinery of the conservationists takes over from the heavy machinery of the construction workers. And work is halted.
Sometimes though this ploy does not work. There is a farm house on the moors where the M62 passes to each side they tried this ploy but it back fired when instead of putting the road on a completely different route they went either side.**
Think if your house was being repossessed you could purchase a newt put it in your bath and ring the council saying you are taking care of an endangered species. Better still dig a hole in the back garden and fill it with water, plop it in and Bobs your uncle.
**If you have ever wondered when thundering along the M62 why the road splits either side of the farm house. I always assumed it was because the farmer would not sell out, but no! It was purely for geological reasons. The owners of the farm were offered other accommodation but declined thinking that the road would not be busy. They now have triple glazing and are bombarded by the occasional crashing vehicle or lost lorry wheel. The only person who refused to sell was a farmer further up the hill that used to attack the road workers vehicles with a shotgun.
*** I could not think of the collective name for a swarm of flying bats so I consulted the great God Wiki This threw up many names for various species
A Cauldron, Swarm, Colony of bats
A Thought of Barons
2 of my own
A Whinge of lorry drivers (FD)
A Couldn’t (organise a pee up in a brewery) of Managers (FD)
I am pleased to announce the juicer sold to a gentleman in Norwich. Which saves the lad and I from any more fluid dinners.