Unlike the heroes sidekick you
must never be funny or tell jokes. Your master does not do funny, well he
does funny but in a joking painful way. Jokes are even more painfull in a
funny painful way.
Never use a strong voice always
speak in a snivelling toadying obsequious way It makes the Overlord feel
Never let your master know more
than you. You must be indispensable remember he hates you as much as his
minions. Possibly more.
Never let your master know you
know more than him. This will not be good for your health.
Never ever say “I told you so”
This could lead to much pain.
Always ensure your dental hygene
is 100%, talking into the masters ear with last nights curry on your
breath is a really bad idea.
Every good idea you come up with
must be made to look like his good idea conversely you must take the blame
for all the bad ideas even though they are his.
Always have a minions name at hand
to blame for that bad idea.
Whilst standing to the side and
rear of the Overlord when he is chastising a minion, do not pull funny
faces to make the minion laugh. The Evil Overlord does not do light
relief, well he does but in a very painful way.
Never turn your back on your master, apart from being
very rude he may start throwing things at you like knives or spears.
Always be subservient and never ever look the Evil
Overlord in the eye. He may have your eyes removed for your impertinence.
Guide to becoming
a sidekick, from a web site called
by Chris Hook
For every hero there
is a loyal sidekick. It's a fact of life. The sidekick is the hero's
closest friend and the only person he can truly trust. There are great
advantages of being a sidekick, and hopefully this guide will help you in
attaching yourself to a hero and going along on all his adventures.
It is very important
not to have as much charisma as your hero does. Under no circumstances is
it ok for you to be more likeable than he is. In fact, it helps to be
You also need to be
the sort of person who is easily led. You have no real capacity to make
decisions for yourself. You should constantly be asking questions like; "Whadda
we do now?", followed by; "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
The only decisions
that you ever make must be incorrect and lead to a situation where you
need to be rescued by your hero. Often this will be the decision to
disobey your hero when he says "stay here and wait for me".
You have to let the
hero be better than you in every way. You shouldn't be as attractive or as
muscular. There are, however, some sidekicks who are bigger and more
muscular. In such cases, it is to excess and you must be on hand to carry
out regular superhuman feats of strength in order to allow the hero to
progress in his adventure. Holding open blast doors is a requirement. It
seems you are stronger than even the most powerful hydraulics.
But generally, you
should be a bit of a weed. Yet somehow you managed to become a police
officer, albeit a rookie, new to the job. You must have a sickening
puppy-like love for the hero no matter what he does.
Find a hero to adore:
A sidekick cannot
exist without a hero. This is one of the lesser-known facts of the
Universe. Choosing a hero is often done for you as you will be thrust into
a situation whereupon the hero will naturally take over and you will then
see who you should follow.
The best person to
look for is a police officer higher in rank, but somewhat of a loose
cannon. Maybe you should try and be a calming influence.
Once you have found
your hero - stick with him no matter what.
Getting down to business:
When the world is
threatened expect your hero to go charging off to save the day without
regard to his own safety. This is where you need to stop in to try and
stop him. You won't succeed - but you instead suggest you go along with
Dealing with thugs,
cronies, hired goons, and general miscreants:
As long as you let
the hero take the lead, everything should be fine. You will be sneaked-up
on and surprised by the mindless drones you come across and you will find
that they always sneak up on you rather than the hero despite the fact you
are walking side by side.
Dealing with the main big bad crony:
To put it simply -
you can't. Only the hero can deal properly with the archenemy's 7-foot
tall tool of general mayhem. Your encounter with the colossal goon will
result in you being taken off under duress to your doom. It would be too
easy to kill you outright, and that's not what the archenemy is planning.
You are always far more useful as bait to lure the hero into a cunning
trap. Naturally, being a hero, your companion will be compelled to come
and rescue you. That is, only after he has rescued a baby from a burning
building and gotten that cat down from a tree.
Dealing with the archenemy:
This is something you
should attempt to do, but make sure that you fail embarrassingly and get
thrown on the floor in a crumpled heap of ineptitude. Remember - you are
not as good as the hero. Your job is simple here. Just wait patiently to
be rescued. Oh - and don't forget to distract the archenemy at the last
second so that the hero gets an opportunity to defeat him. This last point
You are not as
skilled with a firearm as your heroic companion, of course, but you are
still far more skilled than the cannon fodder that the archenemy employs.
Do what the hero does - just point and shoot.
Oh dear. These never
seem to go to well do they? Whereas the enemy waits patiently to attack
the hero one by one, they tend to gang up on you. Maybe they like to prey
on the vulnerable. But there is no need to panic so long as the hero is
there to rescue you. As usual.
Driving vehicles at speed:
This is something
that you should only do if you are given the task of getaway driver and
are waiting for the hero after some important infiltration exercise. This
is the only time when you should ever drive at speed in a vehicle.
Normally you will be expected to drive the hero everywhere. But all you
will ever do is cruise in a straight line until your dialogue with the
hero is over - you will never have to deal with cornering. Sometimes you
will find that you ask the hero a question but have to wait until you have
driven into a completely different part of the city and wait for the scene
to change before he gives an answer.
As I have said, you
will almost never have to drive at speed, but whenever the hero gets
behind the wheel you'll find yourself hurtling through the urban jungle.
It is helpful for you to keep telling him to "slow down", and "watch
out!". When not driving your job will change to radio operator.
Never wear a safety
belt. You won't need it.
Making dumb comments destined to be
ignored by the hero:
This is your forte.
After all, you don't have anything important or worthwhile to say.
Examples of dumb comments that the hero will ignore are:
"Are you sure that's
"It's too dangerous!"
"Let me go with you."
"Don't - there's too
many of them!"
There are many
others. In fact, most of what you say is utter tripe. Under no
circumstances say anything profound. That's the hero's job.
Being in the right place at the right
The place; wherever
the hero is in a spot of peril. The time; just as he is about to fail in
his mission for the greater good. It doesn't happen often, but the hero
can get himself in trouble. This is when you pop out from somewhere and
bash your hero's assailant on the back of the head like a proper coward.
Your appearance will always be a surprise to all. No matter how much
careful sneaking around has gotten your hero into the enemy's stronghold,
you will have mysteriously got there first.
From this point on,
you will return to being slightly inept. You have served your purpose.
Being insanely loyal:
He's better than you.
He gets all the girls. He has all the fun. He always saves the day while
you always manage to end up in some sticky mess. But you can't help but
love him, can you? The relationship between you is very much like a dog
and its master. But you mustn't ever lick his face or sniff his ass.
At the end of it all,
when the hero has saved the day, the most important thing is to not draw
attention to yourself. Even though you have journeyed into the lion's den
with the hero, it is he who should get all the credit. You will never
question whether this is fair or not - you love the hero too much I guess.
As the hero walks off
into the distance away from the scene of averted disaster, look on
proudly. And don't even think about basking in his reflected glory.
a super-hero is a tough job. There’s the patrolling, the fighting, the
mystery solving, the evil plan foiling. Basically, there is a whole lot to
do. So it’s no wonder that so many heroes have a sidekick tagging along to
give them a hand with all of the heavy lifting. The goal of these
semi-heroes is to help in any way they can, without stealing the limelight
from their mentor’s. But this isn’t as easy as it sounds, and being a
sidekick is not for everyone.
The first important aspect of
sidekicking is your look. You need to look tough, but not too tough. If
you look too tough then people might start getting confused as to who is
the real hero. Take Robin, for
example. While Batman is all
dark and threatening in his black ensemble, Robin looks bright and chipper
in red and yellow. There’s no confusing who’s in charge there. With but a
single glance onlookers know that Batman is here to save the day, while
Robin is his back-up, just in case.
Keeping in line with this
general demeanor, you also have to be careful about what you say. Do not,
under any circumstances, use any bad-ass one liners. These are reserved
solely for the purpose of the main hero who needs to sound threatening.
You, on the other hand, are relegated to lame, nearly non-sensical catch
phrases. Robin is infamous for his “Holy (insert terrible, terrible pun
here) Batman!” exclamations, while
Fallout Boy (no, not the band) loves to start sentences with “Giminy
Gillickers.” This of course, only makes
Radioactive Man look cooler.
It’s like the sort-of pretty girl who hangs out with the ugly crowd: by
comparison, she’s gorgeous.
Now you may be saying to
yourself, “Well this sucks. Why would I want to be a sidekick if it means
I have to look and sound like a loser?” Good question. There are two main
reasons why you would want to subject yourself to such humiliation. The
first, is the element of surprise. By becoming a joke of a hero, you
eliminate much of the threat that super-villains feel. Because of this,
they will be much less suspecting when you eventually smack ‘em in the
face with a car battery. Who’s the sidekick now! …Ahem, anyways. The other
reason is, of course, the pursuit of justice. It may not be fun, but being
a sidekick means you get to make the world a better place, one bad pun at
a time. You get to learn from the best, and fight all kinds of evil.
The world needs action heroes. The human race needs those brave few who
have what it takes to save mankind from natural disasters, catastrophic
accidents, alien invasions, and the evil doings of megalomaniacs.
Sadly, such extraordinary people are few and far between. But here is how
you - yes you - can follow in the footsteps of these amazing people. If
you ever face a situation when drastic action is called for to save the
day, perhaps the following advice will help.
Charisma. That's the name of the game. Charisma is the action hero's basic
weapon in the fight for all that is good and just. An action hero needs to
have that special something - the "X-factor" you might say. People will
need to trust you in the most perilous of situations - maybe even trust
you with their lives!
If you have no charisma then you'll never be an action hero.
Often we find that the action hero is somewhat of a tortured soul. Rarely
are they married. So, if you are married and want to be an action hero -
get a divorce now. Best to do it as soon as possible as these things can
take some time. Don't worry - you'll win your wife back after you save the
Earth! Women can't resist a hero after all. But if you are not married
don't panic. All you need to do be involved or at least interested in a
girl and somehow make sure that she becomes interested in someone else
just prior to your heroics so you can win her back.
You must live in a crummy apartment in a slightly bad area too. No plush
suburban houses. Such apartments tend to be fairly cheap so don't worry
about finance. However, you should not be reliable in paying rent. The
threat of eviction tends to hang over the head of the typical action hero.
Your charisma should always manage to earn you an extension to the payment
deadline - here is just one importance of having charisma! Decorate your
apartment with empty beer bottles and take-out boxes.
As for your wardrobe, you will probably find that a plain white vest will
be most useful to you. Make sure it's cheap, as it will probably get
ripped. Jeans are good too.
You should have superhuman fitness. An action hero must run all day,
despite a diet of fast food and beer.
Personal problems, such as heavy drinking are very much encouraged.
Oh yes - you must never get on well with your boss.
Find a nemesis:
Most action heroes have a nemesis. Your nemesis should be someone who is
very wealthy and in a position of great power. Perhaps the head of a large
multinational corporation who dabbles in more sinister dealings behind the
frontage of his legitimate business. No, not Richard Branson.
Your nemesis will be the focal point of your deeds of daring do, so choose
wisely. You wouldn't want to be stuck with a crap nemesis for the rest of
your life would you?
Getting down to business:
Normally, you will be thrown unexpectedly into your moment of glory. There
will be no time to plan so you probably won't have access to any useful
equipment. If you happen to be cop (which is likely) then you will have a
handgun. And a badge of course, which you must flash gratuitously when
entering any building. Don't worry about running out of ammunition - your
gun has an inexhaustible supply. How? Waddya mean how!?! It just does,
Dealing with thugs, cronies, hired goons, and general miscreants:
The only time you will have any trouble dealing with these sorts of people
is when they sneak up on you. This is almost certain to happen at least
once per adventure. Generally you will come across mindless drones hired
by your nemesis who will sometimes very kindly run right into the path of
your bullets. If faced by a group of them, the first thing to do is not to
panic. Their greater numbers will give them no tactical advantage as they
will not attack en masse. Instead they will wait patiently until it is
their turn to fight you one-on-one, man-to-man. You will prevail since you
are far more "man" than they are.
Dealing with the main big bad crony:
There is always one big bad mother who you will have to fight before you
can save the day. They are usually your nemesis' personal bodyguard. Do
not be surprised if they are 7 feet tall and built like a colossus.
Initially, the fight will go badly. But this is normal. You will be thrown
about like a rag doll by your colossal foe. All you have to do is wait
until you are just about to be defeated whereupon you will spot a way to
instantly knock out your opponent. Usually this will be in the form of
some mechanical contraption. A lever or button releasing some heavy
suspended object is a good thing to look for. Whatever the answer, the
first place you should look is just beyond your desperately outstretched
Dealing with your nemesis:
He's psychotic and unstable so expect anything. You will find that as you
reach your nemesis some dialogue will ensue. "You will never succeed!" "Oh
yes I will!" Etc etc. It is at this point that he will normally unveil the
full extent of his master plan. One thing that you can expect (although
you must always pretend to be surprised) is for the tables to turn on you.
Your nemesis will never attempt to kill you straight away. He would much
rather create some elaborate scenario in which you will die a slow painful
death...and have ample time to escape!
In your final confrontation with your nemesis, he will be just about to
succeed in his dastardly plan when you defeat him. Try to defeat him in
some ironic way - he should be killed by his own superweapon, for
instance. If you want a sequel then let him go, or at least make sure his
body is not discovered, but it really really looked like he died.
You only have a handgun, but this is of no consequence. You are so skilled
that you will have no trouble in dealing with multiple opponents armed
with submachine guns. You shouldn't be concerned with being hit. Your
opponents are, to a man, abysmally poor shots. If you do need to find
cover then the best things to hide behind are wooden crates, metal
railings or ladders, or the corpse of a fallen enemy. Bullets do pass
through these objects however, but never when YOU hide behind them.
And if you do get shot - just carry on. You're a tough guy.
Taking careful aim is never necessary. Just point your gun in the general
direction of a foe and fire - you'll always hit them.
Sometimes your gun won't be of any use to you and you will have to get
down to some proper ass-kicking. The important thing to remember is that
by some freak of nature, you can never be knocked unconscious by any blow
you enemy can land on you. You will also suffer no ill effects after being
hit. Concussion? Got no time for concussion when there's a wrong that
You have nothing to fear in fistfights. Don't forget that your unrefined
haphazard fighting style can defeat even the most highly trained and
disciplined martial artists.
When confronted with a bomb, pay attention to its time readout. You must
wait until there are only a few seconds left before you begin to disarm
it. The procedure is simple. Just cut wires. You're an action hero - how
can you fail?
If you have to disarm a nuclear warhead, just follow the same basic
procedure as above. You will generally see signs on the device warning of
extreme radioactivity. Ignore them.
Sometimes you will need to sneak into somewhere undercover. The best
tactic is to covertly take out a hired thug and steal his uniform. You can
walk around as brazenly as you like as no-one will realise that they have
never seen you before.
Flying a plane or helicopter:
You've never piloted an aircraft before? No worries! It's a piece of cake.
If you struggle then just get someone to talk you through it.
Driving vehicles at speed:
Without any training, anyone can drive like a stunt driver, making jumps
like Evel Knievel. As you drive through crowded city streets at breakneck
speed you should attempt to hit as many piles of empty boxes and apple
carts as possible. Always remember that driving down some steps is a good
way to lose a car following you. Pay no attention to pedestrians - they'll
get out of the way in time. As for traffic, you will find that everyone
crashes but you. Most often in head-on collisions at crossroads after you
run through red lights. Remember - the rules of the road don't apply to
action heroes. You don't see any being stopped by the police do you?
Using a computer:
Often you will come across a beautiful woman who happens to be a computer-wizz
(don't the glasses make her look intelligent!). She will do all computer
work for you. If your gratuitous good-looking female companion happens to
be a specialist in another field then you will find that using a computer
is second nature to you. Even the most complex procedures will take merely
a few key presses. Your fingers will fly across the keyboard as if
independent from the rest of your body. It's almost like you are one with
the computer. It seems to know exactly what you want to type - you can
press any keys you like!
You will also never come across a computer with a Windows operating system
in any of your travels. Computers that you do use have excessive and showy
animations on the screen for every task. E-mail always comes floating out
of an animated envelope.
At the end of the day, when you have foiled whatever sinister plan was
afoot, there is one important thing to remember. Never gloat. Never boast.
Never blow your own trumpet about what an amazing person you are. When
it's all over, simply go home. As the firemen, police officers,
paramedics, and journalists are dealing with the mess you leave behind,
just walk through them all. No-one will stop you.
And you should by now have got the girl. If not your ex-wife, then the
beautiful accomplice you have just met.
If you subsequently lose the girl and turn to drink, expect a sequel.
This page was originally hastily thrown together by
loyal thralls. The Evil Empress is improving its appearance as her
Guidelines for Evil Empresses
Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter
for the former.
I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for
vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.
I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love
or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough for
peasant wenches/quivering maidens; but I am The Evil Empress, and there
is no comparison.
I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed,
unless having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive
While seduction has its place in my vast arsenal, I realize that
"evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable
to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their
I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing
My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment,
I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sensual advances.
If he doesn't succumb to me, I will not fly into a jealous rage.
Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him
picked off as he exits the fortress.
Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what
I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.
Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster.
If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for
I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to
confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero.
"Interrogations" in my private chambers will only be conducted if the
Hero is completely nude. This will, in fact, satisfy a number of
objectives at once.
I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper
behavior at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes.
This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes,
as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses and
get really vicious.
I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close
individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that
I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power
for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their
own, if they want.
If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost invariably
are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it
in mind as I destroy him.
If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he is not aware of
this fact, I will keep it to myself. I will be more able to exploit his
weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I do not allow
my identity to be revealed.
If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my
offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that
betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his
demonstration of total lack of principle should lead to his immediate
I will not punish or kill lovers who fail to satisfy me. Such a
policy would cause performance anxiety in future lovers, defeating the
purpose. I will instead reward exceptional effort, and lavishly reward
My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders,
snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.
I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will
facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but
not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or
steal his own weapon.
I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're
just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on
something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.
If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the
poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.
My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a
nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.
My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor, rather than three small
triangles of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.
The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as
the Phalanx and will employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike
when closing with the enemy, but only after the longbow-women have
emptied their quivers from 200 yards away.
I will re-evaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my
thrall. Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.
Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod
or charmable by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial
encounter with the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed
somewhere far from the action.
The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes
killing them the least bothersome tactic.
If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord
take the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the
people with my kindness.
If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my
very first order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord,
since he must already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can
If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then using
the Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate
If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests
for ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and
other lists and the brains to listen to them.
I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no
matter how estranged to two are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly
I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother
my Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these
days without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled
offspring suddenly "seeing the light" and turning Good simply because
mother dearest gave them an unhappy childhood.
Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming
my Evil Offspring to take the reigns someday. It's better to carefully
feed their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial
responsibilities than having them plot my untimely demise.
If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent
Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will
unconditionally love and nurture her nonetheless, and be as supportive
as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young
Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and
weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will
encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for
my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.
I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful
Yet Innocent Stepdaughter (she's destined for something, count on it).
Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while
slowly reshaping her in my image.
However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that
at least one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted
at satisfying them and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my
destruction, no matter his reputation with the ladies.
My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins,
but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss
my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal
servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my
Any one bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline
in my boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.
I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on
muscular minions to protect me.
The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of
strength. I will exploit the double standard for all its worth.
If I must enlist the powers of the nether-worlds I will first bone
up on contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will
never be negotiable.
If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being
into becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body
double. Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.
My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin
gold chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a
line of sight is required, then a good strong locking watchband will do.
If the amulet need not be exposed, being Empress I have a variety of far
more secure hiding places at my immediate disposal - and to hell with
Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take
my orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.
I will keep my hair short and my fingernails trimmed. Short hair
provides no convienent handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing
Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails enable me to press The Button myself,
rather than rely on minions with blunt nails or try to find a stick.
I will locate any phobias or nervous habits I may posses and take
therapy until I can overcome them; that way, I can't be chased from the
scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the
If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion,
I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a
figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2)
misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her
Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side
is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.
The internet is my friend. I can inspire loyalty with
www.EvilEmpress'.budoir.live.com (be it with a body double or not as the
mood strikes me) and obedience with
If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me
into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it
look like a Chia Pet.
If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more
suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware advisers
who might have a Non-Evil twin.
Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams,
or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire
threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to
their destruction as I would for a more classical Hero.
If I take an Orphan as my own to corrupt I will be sure that no
genetic relative exists to turn him or her against me.
Investigate the lineage of all prospective allies. Allies lacking
any trace of grandparents, or whose genetic roots intersect with yours,
or whose genetic roots intersect any known or suspected dieties should
be kept at arm's length (but within blaster range).
Allies need never see my command center or budoir. Almost any
business can be taken care of in a rented conference room.
I will not expose myself needlessly to potential personal security
risks, such as by shopping, or allowing my Beautiful but Innocent
Daughter to shop at the local Star Galleria Mall. As Empress of all I
Survey, the merchants will come to me with their wares - after being
throughly vetted by my Chief of Palace Security (to prevent
assassination attempts), and then by my household steward (to avoid
fashion disasters and poor quality goods) before being brought to my
attention for purchase.
I will not transform the rival/good sorceress and exile her to the
back of beyond. If she can't keep me from transforming her, she can't
keep me from killing her.
I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate Weapon. If it's truly
as good as advertised, the auctioneer would already be the Evil
Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of five components
scattered to the four corners of the earth can be made in my private
laboratory with three times the security in probably half the time.
Any Ultimate Weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and
its components scattered to nearly inaccessible niches across the globe
could not have been that great in the first place, or else it would
never have been disassembled.
If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and
vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep
in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying
There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Empress is
available to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that
involved defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.
Instead of going through the trouble and risk of stealing a 200 MT
nuclear device and ransoming a city for the billions of dollars I'll
need for my Ultimate Diabolical Plan, I'll simply open a evangelical
tele-ministry. That way I also get a bonus Fanatic Legion that will obey
my every command, should I ever need such a a thing.
If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate
Weapon, I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my
goal of world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is
only a fraction of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding. I will also
refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If
it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.
No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth
the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality
that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a
minute of stolen time.
If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other
electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only
one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set,
directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.
While it may be tempting to use an Ultmate Weapon or Spell with a
rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if
many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the
same effect, I will employ them instead.
I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long term
solution to civil unrest. a) They wear off, or eventually the subjects
gain or breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will grow
to hate me. b) Outsiders not falling to the initial spell will quickly
become suspicious at my subjects' mindless happiness and obeisance, and
try to do something about it.
Notes on Fortress Construction
If I ever have real reason to install any type of self-destruct
mechanism, it will only be triggerable at the heart of the
device/ship/fortress and it will implode from the outside rather than
explode from the inside.
My Command Center will have a heavily guarded room at the bottom of
a 100 story subterranean shaft that will contain a sophisticated
bus-sized computer with a fake encoded plan, no external link, and no
real function whatsoever. The real command center will be a
satellite-linked laptop on a card-table with a folding chair at the top
of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked 'standpipe valves'
accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead directly to the heart
of the reactor core. If that is unavoidable, all such exhaust ports will
have closeable reinforced blast doors every other level and alternate
routes of venting in case of emergency.
All my computer systems will have uninterruptable power supplies.
All my circuitry will use breakers or fuses of the appropriate
It is never necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel
anywhere near my central control or commuter complex. If for some reason
such a situation should come about, they will not be in the same room as
the central computer. They will be in a concrete bunker protected by
blast doors and fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of
toxic waste, acids, and super-cold liquids.
All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors,
gas chambers, etc.) in my Fortress will be isolated from the
communications and power grids.
I must assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their
Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes (and moreover
generally test only the minimum ETK). Therefore, Heroes trapped
in one of my non-instantaneous deathtraps will remain there a minimum of
several times longer than its ETK, and even then will be treated as
potentially dangerous until any remains are incinerated.
All deathtraps will have only one way in or out -any way out leading
to an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.
Notes on Alliances of Evil
I will never enter into an alliance I am not sure I can betray if I
need to. I will always assume my new allies have this same condition.
When it is time to unite all the diverse underworld organizations
into a single cohesive crime syndicate, the meeting with all my fellow
under-bosses will not feature the elimination of the vociferous
objectors and intimidation of the rest. It will feature the deputization
of the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of
Gender Non-specific Evil Miscellany or
Good Advice for the Evil at Heart
My planned assault on the rebel base will take place after my
assault on the rebel base.
If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by
tantalizing opportunities for absolute power, which invariably backfire.
If my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for world
If I can't execute the Hero immediately, I can take the time to
completely - and I mean no finger, toe, or tongue wiggling - immobilize
One of my close advisers will be a prolific hack novelist. If my
plan matches or mimics any of his plots, it will be summarily rejected.
I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the
sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.
If a messenger interrupts me during a meal, meeting, bath, or
romantic encounter, I will first assume he has a real, urgent reason for
doing so. He'll be executed only if the interruption was indeed
If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent
in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly
Total commitment is essential: if I discover that I have not truly
and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all
world-domination efforts until that last morsel of Goodness can be
The "safety" switch on my personal blaster and laser sword will in
fact be a "reverse" or "overload" switch.
If I cannot take the time to create and remember a nonsensical 12
digit password with numbers, symbols, and alternate cases, I might well
keep my Ultimate Plan in an ASCII file on my desktop.
Any captured-and-released or -escaped Hero will have numerous
tracking devices of several levels of detectability installed in his
effects, vehicles, and person, at least one of which will have been
ingested with his last food or drink. Even so, I will never fail to put
up a serious effort to track or intercept him by other means as well.
If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not
try to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as
a lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable
Evil protégé somewhere else.
I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution,
decrepitude, or desperation. I'm Evil, not Stupid.
If I need to detain the Hero for more than two minutes, he will be
summarily strip-searched, relieved of all personal effects and clothing
(especially belts, vests, random jewelry, and shoes) and given
the regulation blaze orange disposable prisoner jumpsuit to wear. The
Hero's effects will be carefully analyzed and items such as ring-lasers,
belt communicators etc. will be destroyed or deactivated, booby trapped,
or otherwise compromised if they are to be returned.
If reputable prophecy dictates I will be defeated/killed by a
certain person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him
or prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all its worth, as long as I
can, meanwhile devoting reasonable energies in a search for new
prophecies that will get me out of the first one.
I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisers on the payroll
and in proximity to both help my enemies underestimate me and provide a
few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be
Mind-controlled or love-potioned subjects will be left enough free
will that they do not have to be specifically ordered to perform useful
actions such as enabling my escape, administering medical help, or
otherwise coming to my aid.
My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine
Threats To My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources
investigating/persecuting every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a
slow day and there's really nothing else for them to do.
Instead of killing, imprisoning, or brainwiping the witnesses to my
mistakes, I will instead apply equivalent, if not greater effort toward
In the event of failure, I will consider the possibility that my
enemies are proficient and intelligent before assuming incompetence or
betrayal on the part of my advisers.
If there is any doubt about whether or not my enemies know
something, I will act on the assumption that they do know. Unless it is
important to my plans that they know, in which case I will make sure
the information is leaked to them from an unimpeachable source.
I will encourage general promiscuity, restrict access to birth
control, and provide the best in STD research/prevention and pre-and
post-natal care. The resultant population will be more satisfied and
complacent, and will fuel my war machines, production, dressmaking, and
Tips for Evil Geniuses and Scientistsor
How not to be a Deranged Evil Genius or Mad Scientist
I will not experiment on myself.
I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's brain when my test
monkey is still in the laboratory.
None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch.
My secret lab/lair will have excellent ventilation, automatic
sprinklers, and Halon extinguishers handy at every bench.
My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and Bunsen-burner heated
apparati will be anchored to the floor or wall, not balanced
precariously on a wobbly table.
Any ability enhancing formula that has potential degenerative or
addictive effects may be suitable to use on the Controlled Masses, but
not on myself.
My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be activatable from the
outside by the combination of my hand and retinal print. If someone has
relieved me of my hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway.
If I can splice genes to create a 60 meter long killer cockroach, I
can also insert in said creation a susceptibility to my custom formula
of Raid, which I can carry in a convenient key chain mace canister.
Experimental monster creations will not only have one immediately
lethal vulnerability only I can exploit, but until my Diabolical Plan is
ready to implement, they will also have an addiction to a material only
I can supply, without which they will die in a day or two.
I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in
case my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond
control, or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.
I will personally select the brain to be used in my life-creation
If I need one liter of my secret formula to implement my Diabolical
Plan, I will produce ten liters and store the other nine safely in
I will always carry the antidote on my person. But it will be in a
vial marked 'poison reserve.' The poison reserve will be in the vial
If I am working on an optical mind control device, I will remove all
extraneous mirrors from the lab and wear polarized contact lenses at all
I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses of all monsters I
create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time than
lose one due to simple poor planning.
Experiments requiring a human test subject shall be performed on
kidnapped anti-social bums who live alone in large cities, not someone
who people will notice the disappearance of, like a female student at
the local high school.
If I really must have a teenage girl to perform my experiments on
for some reason, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose
courageous and handsome boyfriend is captain of the football team.
Instead, I will choose the mousy quiet girl whose only likely boyfriend
is the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, who I can probably
co-opt if I need to.
I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be
remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation,
effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.
Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of my redundant,
automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me,
extraneous underlings. No underling (especially one with a girlfriend to
impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages.
My Android Armies will be capable of independent action not rely on
a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop
rejection procedures to prevent paralysis by "Everything I say is a lie"
If I have underlings who follow orders literally (AI or robotic
guardians, brainwashed minions, etc.), I will make their orders as clear
and specific as possible. I will specify IN ADVANCE that orders such as
"Kill everyone in this room!" or "Allow no one to enter or leave!"
automatically include the proviso "Except for me." Also, they will be
directed to ignore orders that would harm me. It would be undignified to
die because I got frustrated and sarcastically said "Kill me now!"
After unleashing the computer virus which will initiate my Diabolic
Plan and bring about the downfall of the free world I will ensure that
the original copy of the virus is deleted from my hard drive, and
destroy all hard copy notes on the construction of said virus.
Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage.
Inoculate before invasion.
Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.
No matter how pretty the girl, leave her alone. Almost
guaranteed your anatomies, much less your biologies are not compatible.
If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them
without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.
Don't route all power through the Mothership.
Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from
Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system or
stadium. Find a nice secluded cave.
If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force
Conduct all planning sessions in your own planet's tongue. A group
of non-humans speaking English are just asking for intelligence
Eat the prisoners. It solves many later problems before they crop
up. If you CAN'T eat the prisoners, why are you invading?
The pre-invasion scouting efforts should include time spent at a
regional office of Greenpeace. Examine the list of life forms COMPLETELY
WIPED OUT by the locals. If any resemble your forces, especially the
warrior caste, pick another planet.
Invade a kindergarten first. If you can't handle the house-apes, you
have no business invading the planet.
A large enough group of human prisoners will invariably contain one
person willing to sell out his own mother to survive the invasion.
AND/OR one person willing to sacrifice his mother to trick you into
trusting him until it is too late. If your technology or internal
politics cannot easily deal with this problem, pick another planet. (Or
eat the prisoners, see above.)
Now it's pretty obvious that the Hero's job would be ten times easier if
it weren't for the normal human beings who are constantly wandering into
the combat scene during struggles with Bad Guys. With reporters getting
held hostage, kids who happen to be standing at the point of impact for a
plummeting grand piano, parents worrying about psychically overactive
children, and so forth, we can see just pages and pages of unnecessary
action getting crammed into each and every tale of heroic struggle. Come
on, people. Let's just try to stay out of harm's way so that Superguy can
finally rub out the scum once and for all, eh?
DISCLAIMER: The use of masculine/feminine pronouns and assignment of
gender roles is not intended to preclude a reversal of gender roles. It
is, however, intended to offend those who think that Plato and Aristotle
conspired to oppress women. Nyah.
on someone that has just beaten the Hero, unless it is to distract him
just before the Hero delivers the killing blow.
If the Evil
Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to
help people, throw a party, and give away money, don't go. Not even if
he's playing Prince's music. Especially if he's playing Prince's music.
If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he's telling the
truth, catch the next one.
the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will certainly be interesting, but
do not be in the studio audience when he/she/it hosts "Saturday Night
Live." Tape it, and wait a week or so to see if any other viewers had
any seizures or mind-control problems before you watch the tape.
riding on public transport and the Magnificent Seven board your train or
bus, get out immediately and wait for the next one. Especially if
they're in their street clothes.
If you are
exceptionally attractive, stay away from banks. It's always the buxom
redhead who gets taken hostage by the bankrobbers.
Do not run
back to get your teddy bear or puppy.
If you have
small children, keep them on one of those kid leashes when in public, so
that they won't go running back after their teddy bear or puppy.
When a Bad
Guy uses you for a human shield, certain delicate areas of his body are
in striking range of your heel. Go for it.
acquaintance of yours seems to disappear everytime the Hero puts in an
appearance, rub some of those brain cells together and see what comes
child has an adult friend who frequently urges your child to clear
his/her mind, or tells you that your child has "a rare gift," set your
affairs in order. Your days are numbered.
If you are
a news reporter, find a happy medium between the people's right to know
and your right to not get kidnapped/held hostage/etc.
if you are a policeman, bank guard, or night watchman, and your first
shot bounces off of the intruder's chest, try shooting other areas of
the intruder's body, like their face, groin, etc. If this also fails, do
not waste the rest of your ammo on him/her/it, or risk your neck in
hand-to-hand combat; instead, fall back and observe.
attempt to duplicate the means by which the Hero gained his/her powers.
You will either fail and die a lingering, agonizing death, or succeed,
lose control of your powers, wreck half of the city, and make it
necessary for the Hero to kill you to neutralize the threat you pose to
associate with the Hero, you run the risk of becoming a True Love or a
Sidekick, depending on your availability and mutual gender preferences.
The former situation will involve hostage situations on a semi-regular
basis, but chances of survival are optimal. The latter position can be
quite hazardous to your health; avoid it.
If the Hero
and the Evil Overlord are engaged in mortal battle, go somewhere else as
quickly as possible, before you are squished by a car, the statue of the
city's founder, or a collapsing skyscraper.
If you notice that your fellow reporter can type 1,024 words per minute,
you should be able to tell that something's up.
If the Evil
Overlord offers you immortality, superpowers, or infinite wealth, and
all you have to do is something that seems terribly trivial, don't. It's
a trick. You will be used as a pawn in a larger game, and then crushed
like a bug.
to impress your significant other by emulating something that a Hero
once did. Doing so usually results in said Hero having to come and save
your butt. And you look like a complete loser, too.
hear reports that the Hero has been involved in some illicit activity,
remain skeptical; it's probably a frame-up.
purposely investigate the Hero in order to learn his true identity.
Success will get you kidnapped by the Evil Overlord.
Superhero takes up residence in your city, a nice spacious estate in the
country will help you to actualize your potential lifespan.
If you are
a security guard for a vast, powerful corporation, try to get assigned
to the Marketing or Personnel departments, rather than R&D.
a shy, quiet kid in your class that everyone picks on, treat him with
respect and kindness. Your life will be spared when his psychic powers
If you are
spending the night in a spooky old house on a dare, do not sneak away to
another part of the house for romantic interludes with your Significant
Other. Instead, wait until you can get a nice, clean, safe motel room.
If you come
across a body, do not walk slowly in the direction of a suspicious
noise, or stand above the body in a stunned state of shock. Instead,
call the police on your cell phone.
If your Mom
or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that you live close to
civilization so that you can socialize with your peers and date. That
way you'll be able to judge the Hero and the Evil Overlord on their own
If your Mom
or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that they educate you in their
specialty, so that you can duplicate their research as the need arises,
and excercise some restraint on their schemes should they become mad.
Keep in mind that if the Evil Overlord offs your parents, you will be
required to use your knowledge to defeat him.
If the Hero
says "wait here," it really doesn't matter whether you obey him or not.
If you stay, you will be captured by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as
soon as the Hero is out of earshot. If you tag along, you will be caught
by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as you stumble along. Don't agonize over
Overlord's friendly overtures are never sincere. If he is suddenly
friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and skip town at the first
opportunity. If he has always been friendly to you, answer him with
courtesy and feign utter uselessness in his designs.
control sneezing, coughing, and other bodily noises so that you won't
give yourself away when you're trying to hide from tyrannosaurs,
enter a house, fortress, cave, temple, tomb, graveyard, etc., especially
one with a malevolent aura or history of macabre events, and an eerie,
disembodied voice orders you to depart the premises, go.
If the mere
presence of your new sweetheart provokes a hostile or fearful reaction
in cats or dogs, terminate the relationship immediately.
chasing after someone else asks you to catch the latter, feign
incomprehension. If you comply, you'll either catch the hero (and
thereby play into the villain's hands), or catch the villain (who will
waste you or use you as a hostage).
If you are
a police man, bank guard, or night watchman, and somebody breaches the
concrete walls of your facility, it is generally a waste of time trying
to ask them about their business.
If a new
hero shows up and takes business away from the old one, keep your
distance; they're either a Bad Guy pretending to be good, or their
powers are not fully developed and will soon go out of control.
attempt to observe the Hero's fights in person, but rather content
yourself with watching it on the nightly news.
mysterious strangers appear at the birth or adoption of your child and
make epic proclamations about him/her, listen.
friends with the Hero's True Love. You'll buy it when she gets
Do not take the shortcut through the woods.
Do not make
the snack run alone. Bring someone else with you.
actively try to become a Sidekick or True Love. If you really have what
it takes, you'll wind up with the role no matter what you do.
corporation conducts research, do not volunteer to work after hours.
That's when the experiments go awry.
If you run
a corporation that conducts research, do not fire one of your
researchers without first dismantling every bit of their laboratory
equipment and getting a hold of everything they've taken home.
Do not attempt to chase custom-built vehicles, even if you are a
If you are
singled out as the Chosen One, politely inquire as to what this entails.
If the job description involves "Defeating the Darkness," and involves
long years of danger and struggle, you've just been made a Hero, and the
person naming you as the Chosen One is your Mentor (or can direct you to
your Mentor). If the position of Chosen One involves being pampered by
half-naked temple virgins, then it will end with you being sacrificed to
the volcano, and the person calling you the Chosen One is the Evil High
Priest(ess) who intends to perform the ceremony.
artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really
was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, and should
only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction.
from all buildings or natural features of the landscape that resemble
skulls, fists, fanged mouths, etc.
going off the beaten path for your vacation, check the police archives,
and with the old people who live in the region, taking note of any
mysterious deaths or disappearances.
how hooked you are on phonics, don't try to pronounce things you find
inscribed in ancient artifacts.
that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if
the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any
sort of adhesive, stop!
scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on he who
breaks the seal, it's time to go back to the camp.
medical examiner announces that the victim was bitten or eaten by
"something weird that I've never seen before, probably some kind of
animal", avoid the area where the biting/eating took place. If the
victim is still alive, avoid the victim except under broad daylight.
glows, avoid it.
alien ship arrives, do not join the welcoming committee.
The Survival Guide for Normal Innocent Bystanders was
an innovation by Arthur Levesque, inspired by the multitude of other lists
that were ultimately inspired by Peter Anspach (www.eviloverlord.com).