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OTHER EVIL/ HERO  GUIDES
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STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

OTHER EVIL / HERO GUIDES

CULLED FROM THE WEB

THE EVIL OVERLORDS CHIEF ADVISORS GUIDE 

GUIDE TO BECOMING A HEROES SIDEKICK

GUIDE TO BECOMING AN ACTION HERO

THINGS I WILL DO WHEN I BECOME AN EVIL EMPRESS

THE INNOCENT BYSTANDERS GUIDE

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By FoggyDave

EVIL OVERLORDS CHIEF ADVISORS GUIDE

Unlike the heroes sidekick you must never be funny or tell jokes.  Your master does not do funny, well he does funny  but in a joking painful way. Jokes are even more painfull in a funny painful way.

Never use a strong voice always speak in a snivelling toadying obsequious way It makes the Overlord feel superior.

Never let your master know more than you. You must be indispensable remember he hates you as much as his minions. Possibly more.

Never let your master know you know more than him. This will not be good for your health.

Never ever say “I told you so” This could lead to much pain.

Always ensure your dental hygene is 100%, talking into the masters ear with last nights curry on your breath is a really bad idea.

Every good idea you come up with must be made to look like his good idea conversely you must take the blame for all the bad ideas even though they are his.

Always have a minions name at hand to blame for that bad idea.

Whilst standing to the side and rear of the Overlord when he is chastising a minion, do not pull funny faces to make the minion laugh. The Evil Overlord does not do light relief, well he does but in a very painful way.

Never turn your back on your master, apart from being very rude he may start throwing things at you like knives or spears.

Always be subservient and never ever look the Evil Overlord in the eye. He may have your eyes removed for your impertinence. 

 

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Guide to becoming a heroes sidekick

Guide to becoming a sidekick, from a web site called EVERYTHING2

by Chris Hook

For every hero there is a loyal sidekick. It's a fact of life. The sidekick is the hero's closest friend and the only person he can truly trust. There are great advantages of being a sidekick, and hopefully this guide will help you in attaching yourself to a hero and going along on all his adventures.

 

Personality:

It is very important not to have as much charisma as your hero does. Under no circumstances is it ok for you to be more likeable than he is. In fact, it helps to be downright annoying.

You also need to be the sort of person who is easily led. You have no real capacity to make decisions for yourself. You should constantly be asking questions like; "Whadda we do now?", followed by; "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

The only decisions that you ever make must be incorrect and lead to a situation where you need to be rescued by your hero. Often this will be the decision to disobey your hero when he says "stay here and wait for me".

You have to let the hero be better than you in every way. You shouldn't be as attractive or as muscular. There are, however, some sidekicks who are bigger and more muscular. In such cases, it is to excess and you must be on hand to carry out regular superhuman feats of strength in order to allow the hero to progress in his adventure. Holding open blast doors is a requirement. It seems you are stronger than even the most powerful hydraulics.

But generally, you should be a bit of a weed. Yet somehow you managed to become a police officer, albeit a rookie, new to the job. You must have a sickening puppy-like love for the hero no matter what he does.

 

Find a hero to adore:

A sidekick cannot exist without a hero. This is one of the lesser-known facts of the Universe. Choosing a hero is often done for you as you will be thrust into a situation whereupon the hero will naturally take over and you will then see who you should follow.

The best person to look for is a police officer higher in rank, but somewhat of a loose cannon. Maybe you should try and be a calming influence.

Once you have found your hero - stick with him no matter what.

 

Getting down to business:

When the world is threatened expect your hero to go charging off to save the day without regard to his own safety. This is where you need to stop in to try and stop him. You won't succeed - but you instead suggest you go along with him.

 

Skills required:

Dealing with thugs, cronies, hired goons, and general miscreants:

As long as you let the hero take the lead, everything should be fine. You will be sneaked-up on and surprised by the mindless drones you come across and you will find that they always sneak up on you rather than the hero despite the fact you are walking side by side.

 

Dealing with the main big bad crony:

To put it simply - you can't. Only the hero can deal properly with the archenemy's 7-foot tall tool of general mayhem. Your encounter with the colossal goon will result in you being taken off under duress to your doom. It would be too easy to kill you outright, and that's not what the archenemy is planning. You are always far more useful as bait to lure the hero into a cunning trap. Naturally, being a hero, your companion will be compelled to come and rescue you. That is, only after he has rescued a baby from a burning building and gotten that cat down from a tree.

 

Dealing with the archenemy:

This is something you should attempt to do, but make sure that you fail embarrassingly and get thrown on the floor in a crumpled heap of ineptitude. Remember - you are not as good as the hero. Your job is simple here. Just wait patiently to be rescued. Oh - and don't forget to distract the archenemy at the last second so that the hero gets an opportunity to defeat him. This last point is key.

 

Firefights:

You are not as skilled with a firearm as your heroic companion, of course, but you are still far more skilled than the cannon fodder that the archenemy employs. Do what the hero does - just point and shoot.

 

Fistfights:

Oh dear. These never seem to go to well do they? Whereas the enemy waits patiently to attack the hero one by one, they tend to gang up on you. Maybe they like to prey on the vulnerable. But there is no need to panic so long as the hero is there to rescue you. As usual.

 

Driving vehicles at speed:

This is something that you should only do if you are given the task of getaway driver and are waiting for the hero after some important infiltration exercise. This is the only time when you should ever drive at speed in a vehicle. Normally you will be expected to drive the hero everywhere. But all you will ever do is cruise in a straight line until your dialogue with the hero is over - you will never have to deal with cornering. Sometimes you will find that you ask the hero a question but have to wait until you have driven into a completely different part of the city and wait for the scene to change before he gives an answer.

As I have said, you will almost never have to drive at speed, but whenever the hero gets behind the wheel you'll find yourself hurtling through the urban jungle. It is helpful for you to keep telling him to "slow down", and "watch out!". When not driving your job will change to radio operator.

Never wear a safety belt. You won't need it.

 

Making dumb comments destined to be ignored by the hero:

This is your forte. After all, you don't have anything important or worthwhile to say. Examples of dumb comments that the hero will ignore are:

"Are you sure that's good idea?"

"It's too dangerous!"

"Let me go with you."

"Don't - there's too many of them!"

"Be careful!"

There are many others. In fact, most of what you say is utter tripe. Under no circumstances say anything profound. That's the hero's job.

 

Being in the right place at the right time:

The place; wherever the hero is in a spot of peril. The time; just as he is about to fail in his mission for the greater good. It doesn't happen often, but the hero can get himself in trouble. This is when you pop out from somewhere and bash your hero's assailant on the back of the head like a proper coward. Your appearance will always be a surprise to all. No matter how much careful sneaking around has gotten your hero into the enemy's stronghold, you will have mysteriously got there first.

From this point on, you will return to being slightly inept. You have served your purpose.

 

Being insanely loyal:

He's better than you. He gets all the girls. He has all the fun. He always saves the day while you always manage to end up in some sticky mess. But you can't help but love him, can you? The relationship between you is very much like a dog and its master. But you mustn't ever lick his face or sniff his ass.

 

And finally:

At the end of it all, when the hero has saved the day, the most important thing is to not draw attention to yourself. Even though you have journeyed into the lion's den with the hero, it is he who should get all the credit. You will never question whether this is fair or not - you love the hero too much I guess.

As the hero walks off into the distance away from the scene of averted disaster, look on proudly. And don't even think about basking in his reflected glory.

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 Being a super-hero is a tough job. There’s the patrolling, the fighting, the mystery solving, the evil plan foiling. Basically, there is a whole lot to do. So it’s no wonder that so many heroes have a sidekick tagging along to give them a hand with all of the heavy lifting. The goal of these semi-heroes is to help in any way they can, without stealing the limelight from their mentor’s. But this isn’t as easy as it sounds, and being a sidekick is not for everyone.

The first important aspect of sidekicking is your look. You need to look tough, but not too tough. If you look too tough then people might start getting confused as to who is the real hero. Take Robin, for example. While Batman is all dark and threatening in his black ensemble, Robin looks bright and chipper in red and yellow. There’s no confusing who’s in charge there. With but a single glance onlookers know that Batman is here to save the day, while Robin is his back-up, just in case.

Keeping in line with this general demeanor, you also have to be careful about what you say. Do not, under any circumstances, use any bad-ass one liners. These are reserved solely for the purpose of the main hero who needs to sound threatening. You, on the other hand, are relegated to lame, nearly non-sensical catch phrases. Robin is infamous for his “Holy (insert terrible, terrible pun here) Batman!” exclamations, while Fallout Boy (no, not the band) loves to start sentences with “Giminy Gillickers.” This of course, only makes Radioactive Man look cooler. It’s like the sort-of pretty girl who hangs out with the ugly crowd: by comparison, she’s gorgeous.

Now you may be saying to yourself, “Well this sucks. Why would I want to be a sidekick if it means I have to look and sound like a loser?” Good question. There are two main reasons why you would want to subject yourself to such humiliation. The first, is the element of surprise. By becoming a joke of a hero, you eliminate much of the threat that super-villains feel. Because of this, they will be much less suspecting when you eventually smack ‘em in the face with a car battery. Who’s the sidekick now! …Ahem, anyways. The other reason is, of course, the pursuit of justice. It may not be fun, but being a sidekick means you get to make the world a better place, one bad pun at a time. You get to learn from the best, and fight all kinds of evil.

Just don’t expect any respect in the process.

 

TO TOP

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GUIDE TO BECOMING AN ACTION HERO taken from EVERYTHING2

(idea) by Chris Hook Fri Apr 30 2004 at 0:16:57

The world needs action heroes. The human race needs those brave few who have what it takes to save mankind from natural disasters, catastrophic accidents, alien invasions, and the evil doings of megalomaniacs.
Sadly, such extraordinary people are few and far between. But here is how you - yes you - can follow in the footsteps of these amazing people. If you ever face a situation when drastic action is called for to save the day, perhaps the following advice will help.


Personality:
Charisma. That's the name of the game. Charisma is the action hero's basic weapon in the fight for all that is good and just. An action hero needs to have that special something - the "X-factor" you might say. People will need to trust you in the most perilous of situations - maybe even trust you with their lives!

If you have no charisma then you'll never be an action hero.

Often we find that the action hero is somewhat of a tortured soul. Rarely are they married. So, if you are married and want to be an action hero - get a divorce now. Best to do it as soon as possible as these things can take some time. Don't worry - you'll win your wife back after you save the Earth! Women can't resist a hero after all. But if you are not married don't panic. All you need to do be involved or at least interested in a girl and somehow make sure that she becomes interested in someone else just prior to your heroics so you can win her back.

You must live in a crummy apartment in a slightly bad area too. No plush suburban houses. Such apartments tend to be fairly cheap so don't worry about finance. However, you should not be reliable in paying rent. The threat of eviction tends to hang over the head of the typical action hero. Your charisma should always manage to earn you an extension to the payment deadline - here is just one importance of having charisma! Decorate your apartment with empty beer bottles and take-out boxes.

As for your wardrobe, you will probably find that a plain white vest will be most useful to you. Make sure it's cheap, as it will probably get ripped. Jeans are good too.
You should have superhuman fitness. An action hero must run all day, despite a diet of fast food and beer.
Personal problems, such as heavy drinking are very much encouraged.
Oh yes - you must never get on well with your boss.


Find a nemesis:
Most action heroes have a nemesis. Your nemesis should be someone who is very wealthy and in a position of great power. Perhaps the head of a large multinational corporation who dabbles in more sinister dealings behind the frontage of his legitimate business. No, not Richard Branson.

Your nemesis will be the focal point of your deeds of daring do, so choose wisely. You wouldn't want to be stuck with a crap nemesis for the rest of your life would you?


Getting down to business:
Normally, you will be thrown unexpectedly into your moment of glory. There will be no time to plan so you probably won't have access to any useful equipment. If you happen to be cop (which is likely) then you will have a handgun. And a badge of course, which you must flash gratuitously when entering any building. Don't worry about running out of ammunition - your gun has an inexhaustible supply. How? Waddya mean how!?! It just does, ok!?!


Skills required:
Dealing with thugs, cronies, hired goons, and general miscreants:
The only time you will have any trouble dealing with these sorts of people is when they sneak up on you. This is almost certain to happen at least once per adventure. Generally you will come across mindless drones hired by your nemesis who will sometimes very kindly run right into the path of your bullets. If faced by a group of them, the first thing to do is not to panic. Their greater numbers will give them no tactical advantage as they will not attack en masse. Instead they will wait patiently until it is their turn to fight you one-on-one, man-to-man. You will prevail since you are far more "man" than they are.


Dealing with the main big bad crony:
There is always one big bad mother who you will have to fight before you can save the day. They are usually your nemesis' personal bodyguard. Do not be surprised if they are 7 feet tall and built like a colossus.
Initially, the fight will go badly. But this is normal. You will be thrown about like a rag doll by your colossal foe. All you have to do is wait until you are just about to be defeated whereupon you will spot a way to instantly knock out your opponent. Usually this will be in the form of some mechanical contraption. A lever or button releasing some heavy suspended object is a good thing to look for. Whatever the answer, the first place you should look is just beyond your desperately outstretched fingers.


Dealing with your nemesis:
He's psychotic and unstable so expect anything. You will find that as you reach your nemesis some dialogue will ensue. "You will never succeed!" "Oh yes I will!" Etc etc. It is at this point that he will normally unveil the full extent of his master plan. One thing that you can expect (although you must always pretend to be surprised) is for the tables to turn on you. Your nemesis will never attempt to kill you straight away. He would much rather create some elaborate scenario in which you will die a slow painful death...and have ample time to escape!

In your final confrontation with your nemesis, he will be just about to succeed in his dastardly plan when you defeat him. Try to defeat him in some ironic way - he should be killed by his own superweapon, for instance. If you want a sequel then let him go, or at least make sure his body is not discovered, but it really really looked like he died.


Firefights:
You only have a handgun, but this is of no consequence. You are so skilled that you will have no trouble in dealing with multiple opponents armed with submachine guns. You shouldn't be concerned with being hit. Your opponents are, to a man, abysmally poor shots. If you do need to find cover then the best things to hide behind are wooden crates, metal railings or ladders, or the corpse of a fallen enemy. Bullets do pass through these objects however, but never when YOU hide behind them.

And if you do get shot - just carry on. You're a tough guy.

Taking careful aim is never necessary. Just point your gun in the general direction of a foe and fire - you'll always hit them.


Fistfights:
Sometimes your gun won't be of any use to you and you will have to get down to some proper ass-kicking. The important thing to remember is that by some freak of nature, you can never be knocked unconscious by any blow you enemy can land on you. You will also suffer no ill effects after being hit. Concussion? Got no time for concussion when there's a wrong that needs righting!

You have nothing to fear in fistfights. Don't forget that your unrefined haphazard fighting style can defeat even the most highly trained and disciplined martial artists.


Disarming Bombs:
When confronted with a bomb, pay attention to its time readout. You must wait until there are only a few seconds left before you begin to disarm it. The procedure is simple. Just cut wires. You're an action hero - how can you fail?


Nuclear warheads:
If you have to disarm a nuclear warhead, just follow the same basic procedure as above. You will generally see signs on the device warning of extreme radioactivity. Ignore them.


Disguises:
Sometimes you will need to sneak into somewhere undercover. The best tactic is to covertly take out a hired thug and steal his uniform. You can walk around as brazenly as you like as no-one will realise that they have never seen you before.


Flying a plane or helicopter:
You've never piloted an aircraft before? No worries! It's a piece of cake. If you struggle then just get someone to talk you through it.


Driving vehicles at speed:
Without any training, anyone can drive like a stunt driver, making jumps like Evel Knievel. As you drive through crowded city streets at breakneck speed you should attempt to hit as many piles of empty boxes and apple carts as possible. Always remember that driving down some steps is a good way to lose a car following you. Pay no attention to pedestrians - they'll get out of the way in time. As for traffic, you will find that everyone crashes but you. Most often in head-on collisions at crossroads after you run through red lights. Remember - the rules of the road don't apply to action heroes. You don't see any being stopped by the police do you?


Using a computer:
Often you will come across a beautiful woman who happens to be a computer-wizz (don't the glasses make her look intelligent!). She will do all computer work for you. If your gratuitous good-looking female companion happens to be a specialist in another field then you will find that using a computer is second nature to you. Even the most complex procedures will take merely a few key presses. Your fingers will fly across the keyboard as if independent from the rest of your body. It's almost like you are one with the computer. It seems to know exactly what you want to type - you can press any keys you like!

You will also never come across a computer with a Windows operating system in any of your travels. Computers that you do use have excessive and showy animations on the screen for every task. E-mail always comes floating out of an animated envelope.


And finally:
At the end of the day, when you have foiled whatever sinister plan was afoot, there is one important thing to remember. Never gloat. Never boast. Never blow your own trumpet about what an amazing person you are. When it's all over, simply go home. As the firemen, police officers, paramedics, and journalists are dealing with the mess you leave behind, just walk through them all. No-one will stop you.

And you should by now have got the girl. If not your ex-wife, then the beautiful accomplice you have just met.

If you subsequently lose the girl and turn to drink, expect a sequel.

TO TOP

 

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BY NAOM IZENBERG

Things I will do when I become Evil Empress

LINK TO ORIGINAL WEB SITE



Her Evilness
Adapted from Disney animation cell of Snow White's Evil Queen
Copyright Disney, used without permission.

Guidelines for Evil Empresses

Notes regarding Ultimate Weapons/Spells

Notes on Fortress Construction

Notes on Alliances of Evil

Gender Non-specific Evil Miscellany

Tips for Evil Geniuses and Scientists

Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage.

 

This page was originally hastily thrown together by loyal thralls. The Evil Empress is improving its appearance as her schedule permits.

Guidelines for Evil Empresses

  1. Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former.
  2. I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.
  3. I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough for peasant wenches/quivering maidens; but I am The Evil Empress, and there is no comparison.
  4. I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive advantage.
  5. While seduction has its place in my vast arsenal, I realize that "evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their replacements.
  6. I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial plans.
  7. My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment, at minimum.
  8. I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sensual advances. If he doesn't succumb to me, I will not fly into a jealous rage. Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as he exits the fortress.
  9. Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.
  10. Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the blaster.
  11. I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. "Interrogations" in my private chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will, in fact, satisfy a number of objectives at once.
  12. I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper behavior at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes. This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes, as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses and get really vicious.
  13. I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their own, if they want.
  14. If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost invariably are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in mind as I destroy him.
  15. If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he is not aware of this fact, I will keep it to myself. I will be more able to exploit his weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I do not allow my identity to be revealed.
  16. If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his demonstration of total lack of principle should lead to his immediate execution.
  17. I will not punish or kill lovers who fail to satisfy me. Such a policy would cause performance anxiety in future lovers, defeating the purpose. I will instead reward exceptional effort, and lavishly reward exceptional proficiency.
  18. My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders, snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.
  19. I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or steal his own weapon.
  20. I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.
  21. If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.
  22. My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.
  23. My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor, rather than three small triangles of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.
  24. The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as the Phalanx and will employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike when closing with the enemy, but only after the longbow-women have emptied their quivers from 200 yards away.
  25. I will re-evaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my thrall. Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.
  26. Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod or charmable by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial encounter with the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere far from the action.
  27. The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them the least bothersome tactic.
  28. If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord take the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the people with my kindness.
  29. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my very first order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord, since he must already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.
  30. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then using the Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate my throne.
  31. If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests for ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and other lists and the brains to listen to them.
  32. I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no matter how estranged to two are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly sentimental.
  33. I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother my Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these days without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled offspring suddenly "seeing the light" and turning Good simply because mother dearest gave them an unhappy childhood.
  34. Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming my Evil Offspring to take the reigns someday. It's better to carefully feed their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial responsibilities than having them plot my untimely demise.
  35. If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture her nonetheless, and be as supportive as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.
  36. I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter (she's destined for something, count on it). Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while slowly reshaping her in my image.
  37. However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that at least one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted at satisfying them and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no matter his reputation with the ladies.
  38. My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.
  39. Any one bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline in my boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.
  40. I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me.
  41. The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of strength. I will exploit the double standard for all its worth.
  42. If I must enlist the powers of the nether-worlds I will first bone up on contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will never be negotiable.
  43. If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being into becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body double. Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.
  44. My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin gold chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a line of sight is required, then a good strong locking watchband will do. If the amulet need not be exposed, being Empress I have a variety of far more secure hiding places at my immediate disposal - and to hell with the glow.
  45. Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take my orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.
  46. I will keep my hair short and my fingernails trimmed. Short hair provides no convienent handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails enable me to press The Button myself, rather than rely on minions with blunt nails or try to find a stick.
  47. I will locate any phobias or nervous habits I may posses and take therapy until I can overcome them; that way, I can't be chased from the scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.
  48. If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.
  49. The internet is my friend. I can inspire loyalty with www.EvilEmpress'.budoir.live.com (be it with a body double or not as the mood strikes me) and obedience with www.EvilEmpres'.pit-of-dispair.live.com.
  50. If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia Pet.
  51. If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware advisers who might have a Non-Evil twin.
  52. Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction as I would for a more classical Hero.
  53. If I take an Orphan as my own to corrupt I will be sure that no genetic relative exists to turn him or her against me.
  54. Investigate the lineage of all prospective allies. Allies lacking any trace of grandparents, or whose genetic roots intersect with yours, or whose genetic roots intersect any known or suspected dieties should be kept at arm's length (but within blaster range).
  55. Allies need never see my command center or budoir. Almost any business can be taken care of in a rented conference room.
  56. I will not expose myself needlessly to potential personal security risks, such as by shopping, or allowing my Beautiful but Innocent Daughter to shop at the local Star Galleria Mall.  As Empress of all I Survey, the merchants will come to me with their wares - after being throughly vetted by my Chief of Palace Security (to prevent assassination attempts), and then by my household steward (to avoid fashion disasters and poor quality goods) before being brought to my attention for purchase.
  57. I will not transform the rival/good sorceress and exile her to the back of beyond. If she can't keep me from transforming her, she can't keep me from killing her.
     


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Other Evil Advice



 

Notes regarding Ultimate Weapons/Spells

  1. I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate Weapon. If it's truly as good as advertised, the auctioneer would already be the Evil Overlord.
  2. Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of five components scattered to the four corners of the earth can be made in my private laboratory with three times the security in probably half the time.
  3. Any Ultimate Weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and its components scattered to nearly inaccessible niches across the globe could not have been that great in the first place, or else it would never have been disassembled.
  4. If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying the results.
  5. There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Empress is available to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that involved defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.
  6. Instead of going through the trouble and risk of stealing a 200 MT nuclear device and ransoming a city for the billions of dollars I'll need for my Ultimate Diabolical Plan, I'll simply open a evangelical tele-ministry. That way I also get a bonus Fanatic Legion that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a a thing.
  7. If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate Weapon, I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my goal of world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a fraction of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding. I will also refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.
  8. No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of stolen time.
  9. If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set, directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.
  10. While it may be tempting to use an Ultmate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect, I will employ them instead.
  11. I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long term solution to civil unrest. a) They wear off, or eventually the subjects gain or breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will grow to hate me. b) Outsiders not falling to the initial spell will quickly become suspicious at my subjects' mindless happiness and obeisance, and try to do something about it.
     

Notes on Fortress Construction

  1. If I ever have real reason to install any type of self-destruct mechanism, it will only be triggerable at the heart of the device/ship/fortress and it will implode from the outside rather than explode from the inside.
  2. My Command Center will have a heavily guarded room at the bottom of a 100 story subterranean shaft that will contain a sophisticated bus-sized computer with a fake encoded plan, no external link, and no real function whatsoever. The real command center will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card-table with a folding chair at the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked 'standpipe valves' accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
  3. If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead directly to the heart of the reactor core. If that is unavoidable, all such exhaust ports will have closeable reinforced blast doors every other level and alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.
  4. All my computer systems will have uninterruptable power supplies. All my circuitry will use breakers or fuses of the appropriate tolerances.
  5. It is never necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel anywhere near my central control or commuter complex. If for some reason such a situation should come about, they will not be in the same room as the central computer. They will be in a concrete bunker protected by blast doors and fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of toxic waste, acids, and super-cold liquids.
  6. All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors, gas chambers, etc.) in my Fortress will be isolated from the communications and power grids.
  7. I must assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes (and moreover generally test only the minimum ETK). Therefore, Heroes trapped in one of my non-instantaneous deathtraps will remain there a minimum of several times longer than its ETK, and even then will be treated as potentially dangerous until any remains are incinerated.
  8. All deathtraps will have only one way in or out -any way out leading to an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.

Notes on Alliances of Evil

  1. I will never enter into an alliance I am not sure I can betray if I need to. I will always assume my new allies have this same condition.
  2. When it is time to unite all the diverse underworld organizations into a single cohesive crime syndicate, the meeting with all my fellow under-bosses will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and intimidation of the rest. It will feature the deputization of the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of the rest

Gender Non-specific Evil Miscellany or Good Advice for the Evil at Heart

  1. My planned assault on the rebel base will take place after my assault on the rebel base.
  2. If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opportunities for absolute power, which invariably backfire. If my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for world domination.
  3. If I can't execute the Hero immediately, I can take the time to completely - and I mean no finger, toe, or tongue wiggling - immobilize him.
  4. One of my close advisers will be a prolific hack novelist. If my plan matches or mimics any of his plots, it will be summarily rejected.
  5. I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.
  6. If a messenger interrupts me during a meal, meeting, bath, or romantic encounter, I will first assume he has a real, urgent reason for doing so. He'll be executed only if the interruption was indeed pointless.
  7. If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.
  8. Total commitment is essential: if I discover that I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination efforts until that last morsel of Goodness can be expunged.
  9. The "safety" switch on my personal blaster and laser sword will in fact be a "reverse" or "overload" switch.
  10. If I cannot take the time to create and remember a nonsensical 12 digit password with numbers, symbols, and alternate cases, I might well keep my Ultimate Plan in an ASCII file on my desktop.
  11. Any captured-and-released or -escaped Hero will have numerous tracking devices of several levels of detectability installed in his effects, vehicles, and person, at least one of which will have been ingested with his last food or drink. Even so, I will never fail to put up a serious effort to track or intercept him by other means as well.
  12. If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not try to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as a lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable Evil protégé somewhere else.
  13. I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I'm Evil, not Stupid.
  14. If I need to detain the Hero for more than two minutes, he will be summarily strip-searched, relieved of all personal effects and clothing (especially belts, vests, random jewelry, and shoes) and given the regulation blaze orange disposable prisoner jumpsuit to wear. The Hero's effects will be carefully analyzed and items such as ring-lasers, belt communicators etc. will be destroyed or deactivated, booby trapped, or otherwise compromised if they are to be returned.
  15. If reputable prophecy dictates I will be defeated/killed by a certain person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all its worth, as long as I can, meanwhile devoting reasonable energies in a search for new prophecies that will get me out of the first one.
  16. I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisers on the payroll and in proximity to both help my enemies underestimate me and provide a few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.
  17. Mind-controlled or love-potioned subjects will be left enough free will that they do not have to be specifically ordered to perform useful actions such as enabling my escape, administering medical help, or otherwise coming to my aid.
  18. My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine Threats To My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources investigating/persecuting every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a slow day and there's really nothing else for them to do.
  19. Instead of killing, imprisoning, or brainwiping the witnesses to my mistakes, I will instead apply equivalent, if not greater effort toward avoiding mistakes.
  20. In the event of failure, I will consider the possibility that my enemies are proficient and intelligent before assuming incompetence or betrayal on the part of my advisers.
  21. If there is any doubt about whether or not my enemies know something, I will act on the assumption that they do know. Unless it is important to my plans that they know, in which case I will make sure the information is leaked to them from an unimpeachable source.
  22. I will encourage general promiscuity, restrict access to birth control, and provide the best in STD research/prevention and pre-and post-natal care. The resultant population will be more satisfied and complacent, and will fuel my war machines, production, dressmaking, and general fun.

Tips for Evil Geniuses and Scientistsor How not to be a Deranged Evil Genius or Mad Scientist

  1. I will not experiment on myself.
  2. I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's brain when my test monkey is still in the laboratory.
  3. None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch.
  4. My secret lab/lair will have excellent ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and Halon extinguishers handy at every bench.
  5. My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and Bunsen-burner heated apparati will be anchored to the floor or wall, not balanced precariously on a wobbly table.
  6. Any ability enhancing formula that has potential degenerative or addictive effects may be suitable to use on the Controlled Masses, but not on myself.
  7. My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be activatable from the outside by the combination of my hand and retinal print. If someone has relieved me of my hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway.
  8. If I can splice genes to create a 60 meter long killer cockroach, I can also insert in said creation a susceptibility to my custom formula of Raid, which I can carry in a convenient key chain mace canister.
  9. Experimental monster creations will not only have one immediately lethal vulnerability only I can exploit, but until my Diabolical Plan is ready to implement, they will also have an addiction to a material only I can supply, without which they will die in a day or two.
  10. I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in case my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond control, or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.
  11. I will personally select the brain to be used in my life-creation experiment.
  12. If I need one liter of my secret formula to implement my Diabolical Plan, I will produce ten liters and store the other nine safely in different caches.
  13. I will always carry the antidote on my person. But it will be in a vial marked 'poison reserve.' The poison reserve will be in the vial marked 'antidote.'
  14. If I am working on an optical mind control device, I will remove all extraneous mirrors from the lab and wear polarized contact lenses at all times.
  15. I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses of all monsters I create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time than lose one due to simple poor planning.
  16. Experiments requiring a human test subject shall be performed on kidnapped anti-social bums who live alone in large cities, not someone who people will notice the disappearance of, like a female student at the local high school.
  17. If I really must have a teenage girl to perform my experiments on for some reason, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose courageous and handsome boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I will choose the mousy quiet girl whose only likely boyfriend is the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, who I can probably co-opt if I need to.
  18. I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.
  19. Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of my redundant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings. No underling (especially one with a girlfriend to impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages.
  20. My Android Armies will be capable of independent action not rely on a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to prevent paralysis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements.
  21. If I have underlings who follow orders literally (AI or robotic guardians, brainwashed minions, etc.), I will make their orders as clear and specific as possible. I will specify IN ADVANCE that orders such as "Kill everyone in this room!" or "Allow no one to enter or leave!" automatically include the proviso "Except for me." Also, they will be directed to ignore orders that would harm me. It would be undignified to die because I got frustrated and sarcastically said "Kill me now!"
  22. After unleashing the computer virus which will initiate my Diabolic Plan and bring about the downfall of the free world I will ensure that the original copy of the virus is deleted from my hard drive, and destroy all hard copy notes on the construction of said virus.

Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage.

  1. Inoculate before invasion.
  2. Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.
  3. No matter how pretty the girl, leave her alone. Almost guaranteed your anatomies, much less your biologies are not compatible.
  4. If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.
  5. Don't route all power through the Mothership.
  6. Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top.
  7. Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system or stadium. Find a nice secluded cave.
  8. If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover.
  9. Conduct all planning sessions in your own planet's tongue. A group of non-humans speaking English are just asking for intelligence intercepts.
  10. Eat the prisoners. It solves many later problems before they crop up. If you CAN'T eat the prisoners, why are you invading?
  11. The pre-invasion scouting efforts should include time spent at a regional office of Greenpeace. Examine the list of life forms COMPLETELY WIPED OUT by the locals. If any resemble your forces, especially the warrior caste, pick another planet.
  12. Invade a kindergarten first. If you can't handle the house-apes, you have no business invading the planet.
  13. A large enough group of human prisoners will invariably contain one person willing to sell out his own mother to survive the invasion. AND/OR one person willing to sacrifice his mother to trick you into trusting him until it is too late. If your technology or internal politics cannot easily deal with this problem, pick another planet. (Or eat the prisoners, see above.)

© 1999-2004 by Noam Izenberg. Permission granted to reproduce in non-commercial formats. Contact for other issues.

 

 

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FROM A WEB SITE BY JOHN VANSICKLE

THE NORMAL INNOCENT BYSTANDERS SURVIVAL GUIDE


Now it's pretty obvious that the Hero's job would be ten times easier if it weren't for the normal human beings who are constantly wandering into the combat scene during struggles with Bad Guys. With reporters getting held hostage, kids who happen to be standing at the point of impact for a plummeting grand piano, parents worrying about psychically overactive children, and so forth, we can see just pages and pages of unnecessary action getting crammed into each and every tale of heroic struggle. Come on, people. Let's just try to stay out of harm's way so that Superguy can finally rub out the scum once and for all, eh?
DISCLAIMER: The use of masculine/feminine pronouns and assignment of gender roles is not intended to preclude a reversal of gender roles. It is, however, intended to offend those who think that Plato and Aristotle conspired to oppress women. Nyah.

  1. Never take on someone that has just beaten the Hero, unless it is to distract him just before the Hero delivers the killing blow.

  2. If the Evil Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to help people, throw a party, and give away money, don't go. Not even if he's playing Prince's music. Especially if he's playing Prince's music. If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he's telling the truth, catch the next one.

  3. Watching the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will certainly be interesting, but do not be in the studio audience when he/she/it hosts "Saturday Night Live." Tape it, and wait a week or so to see if any other viewers had any seizures or mind-control problems before you watch the tape.

  4. If you're riding on public transport and the Magnificent Seven board your train or bus, get out immediately and wait for the next one. Especially if they're in their street clothes.

  5. If you are exceptionally attractive, stay away from banks. It's always the buxom redhead who gets taken hostage by the bankrobbers.

  6. Do not run back to get your teddy bear or puppy.

  7. If you have small children, keep them on one of those kid leashes when in public, so that they won't go running back after their teddy bear or puppy.

  8. When a Bad Guy uses you for a human shield, certain delicate areas of his body are in striking range of your heel. Go for it.

  9. If an acquaintance of yours seems to disappear everytime the Hero puts in an appearance, rub some of those brain cells together and see what comes up.

  10. If your child has an adult friend who frequently urges your child to clear his/her mind, or tells you that your child has "a rare gift," set your affairs in order. Your days are numbered.

  11. If you are a news reporter, find a happy medium between the people's right to know and your right to not get kidnapped/held hostage/etc.

  12. Likewise, if you are a policeman, bank guard, or night watchman, and your first shot bounces off of the intruder's chest, try shooting other areas of the intruder's body, like their face, groin, etc. If this also fails, do not waste the rest of your ammo on him/her/it, or risk your neck in hand-to-hand combat; instead, fall back and observe.

  13. Do not attempt to duplicate the means by which the Hero gained his/her powers. You will either fail and die a lingering, agonizing death, or succeed, lose control of your powers, wreck half of the city, and make it necessary for the Hero to kill you to neutralize the threat you pose to everyone else.

  14. If you associate with the Hero, you run the risk of becoming a True Love or a Sidekick, depending on your availability and mutual gender preferences. The former situation will involve hostage situations on a semi-regular basis, but chances of survival are optimal. The latter position can be quite hazardous to your health; avoid it.

  15. If the Hero and the Evil Overlord are engaged in mortal battle, go somewhere else as quickly as possible, before you are squished by a car, the statue of the city's founder, or a collapsing skyscraper.
    If you notice that your fellow reporter can type 1,024 words per minute, you should be able to tell that something's up.

  16. If the Evil Overlord offers you immortality, superpowers, or infinite wealth, and all you have to do is something that seems terribly trivial, don't. It's a trick. You will be used as a pawn in a larger game, and then crushed like a bug.

  17. Don't try to impress your significant other by emulating something that a Hero once did. Doing so usually results in said Hero having to come and save your butt. And you look like a complete loser, too.

  18. When you hear reports that the Hero has been involved in some illicit activity, remain skeptical; it's probably a frame-up.

  19. Never purposely investigate the Hero in order to learn his true identity. Success will get you kidnapped by the Evil Overlord.

  20. If a Superhero takes up residence in your city, a nice spacious estate in the country will help you to actualize your potential lifespan.

  21. If you are a security guard for a vast, powerful corporation, try to get assigned to the Marketing or Personnel departments, rather than R&D.

  22. If there's a shy, quiet kid in your class that everyone picks on, treat him with respect and kindness. Your life will be spared when his psychic powers become manifest.

  23. If you are spending the night in a spooky old house on a dare, do not sneak away to another part of the house for romantic interludes with your Significant Other. Instead, wait until you can get a nice, clean, safe motel room.

  24. If you come across a body, do not walk slowly in the direction of a suspicious noise, or stand above the body in a stunned state of shock. Instead, call the police on your cell phone.

  25. If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that you live close to civilization so that you can socialize with your peers and date. That way you'll be able to judge the Hero and the Evil Overlord on their own merits.

  26. If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that they educate you in their specialty, so that you can duplicate their research as the need arises, and excercise some restraint on their schemes should they become mad. Keep in mind that if the Evil Overlord offs your parents, you will be required to use your knowledge to defeat him.

  27. If the Hero says "wait here," it really doesn't matter whether you obey him or not. If you stay, you will be captured by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as soon as the Hero is out of earshot. If you tag along, you will be caught by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as you stumble along. Don't agonize over your decision.

  28. Evil Overlord's friendly overtures are never sincere. If he is suddenly friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and skip town at the first opportunity. If he has always been friendly to you, answer him with courtesy and feign utter uselessness in his designs.

  29. Learn to control sneezing, coughing, and other bodily noises so that you won't give yourself away when you're trying to hide from tyrannosaurs, henchmen, etc.

  30. If you enter a house, fortress, cave, temple, tomb, graveyard, etc., especially one with a malevolent aura or history of macabre events, and an eerie, disembodied voice orders you to depart the premises, go.

  31. If the mere presence of your new sweetheart provokes a hostile or fearful reaction in cats or dogs, terminate the relationship immediately.

  32. If someone chasing after someone else asks you to catch the latter, feign incomprehension. If you comply, you'll either catch the hero (and thereby play into the villain's hands), or catch the villain (who will waste you or use you as a hostage).

  33. If you are a police man, bank guard, or night watchman, and somebody breaches the concrete walls of your facility, it is generally a waste of time trying to ask them about their business.

  34. If a new hero shows up and takes business away from the old one, keep your distance; they're either a Bad Guy pretending to be good, or their powers are not fully developed and will soon go out of control.

  35. Do not attempt to observe the Hero's fights in person, but rather content yourself with watching it on the nightly news.

  36. If mysterious strangers appear at the birth or adoption of your child and make epic proclamations about him/her, listen.

  37. Don't make friends with the Hero's True Love. You'll buy it when she gets kidnapped.
    Do not take the shortcut through the woods.

  38. Do not make the snack run alone. Bring someone else with you.

  39. Do not actively try to become a Sidekick or True Love. If you really have what it takes, you'll wind up with the role no matter what you do.

  40. If your corporation conducts research, do not volunteer to work after hours. That's when the experiments go awry.

  41. If you run a corporation that conducts research, do not fire one of your researchers without first dismantling every bit of their laboratory equipment and getting a hold of everything they've taken home.
    Do not attempt to chase custom-built vehicles, even if you are a policeman.

  42. If you are singled out as the Chosen One, politely inquire as to what this entails. If the job description involves "Defeating the Darkness," and involves long years of danger and struggle, you've just been made a Hero, and the person naming you as the Chosen One is your Mentor (or can direct you to your Mentor). If the position of Chosen One involves being pampered by half-naked temple virgins, then it will end with you being sacrificed to the volcano, and the person calling you the Chosen One is the Evil High Priest(ess) who intends to perform the ceremony.

  43. Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, and should only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction.

  44. Stay away from all buildings or natural features of the landscape that resemble skulls, fists, fanged mouths, etc.

  45. Before going off the beaten path for your vacation, check the police archives, and with the old people who live in the region, taking note of any mysterious deaths or disappearances.

  46. No matter how hooked you are on phonics, don't try to pronounce things you find inscribed in ancient artifacts.

  47. Artifacts that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any sort of adhesive, stop!

  48. When the scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on he who breaks the seal, it's time to go back to the camp.

  49. When the medical examiner announces that the victim was bitten or eaten by "something weird that I've never seen before, probably some kind of animal", avoid the area where the biting/eating took place. If the victim is still alive, avoid the victim except under broad daylight.

  50. If it glows, avoid it.

  51. When the alien ship arrives, do not join the welcoming committee.

The Survival Guide for Normal Innocent Bystanders was an innovation by Arthur Levesque, inspired by the multitude of other lists that were ultimately inspired by Peter Anspach (www.eviloverlord.com).

© 2002 by John VanSickle. Permission to quote for non-commerical use is granted, provided that this copyright notice is included. Permission to link from non-commericial Web pages is granted. All other rights reserved. If you translate this page for publication on the Web elsewhere, please let me know and I'll put a link to it here.
 

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