INDEX TO WEB
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THE EVIL OVERLORD
THE EVIL MINIONS GUIDE
OTHER EVIL/ HERO GUIDES
NAMES I CALL MY WIFE
& SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS
NOUNS FOR ANIMAL SPECIES
SOME OTHER EBAY SALES WITH STORIES
THE REAL MEANING OF HAYNES MANUAL INSTRUCTIONS
KITE MAKING PAGES
REVOLUTION KITE MAKING
CONTRIBUTIONS FROM READERS
STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL
STORIES AND EBAY SALES
1 AN OLD LAND ROVER
SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER
4 SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5 A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL
6 SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7 MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8 WITCHERY PART ONE
9 SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10 WITCHERY PART TWO
11 SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE
14 WITCHERY PART FOUR
17 SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18 WITCHERY PART SIX
19 SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY
2O WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21 SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23 SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS
24 THE REAL
DE VINCI CODE
25 MY GUITAR
26 SELLING MOTORBIKE
28 SELLING A HIGHWAY
29 ZEN AND THE ART OF
LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE
30 SELLING A
CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND
33 SELLING AN AMBER
34 THE UNIVERSE IS A
35 SELLING A
36 SELLING BOOTS
37 SELLING A
38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE
39 SELLING A POWER
40 SELLING A HORSE
41 THE BOAT
42 SELLING LAND ROVER
43 SELLING A TOW
/ RECOVERY CHAIN
44 SELLING LAND ROVER
45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG
46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME
231 THINGS I WOULD DO IF EVER I
BECAME AN EVIL OVERLORD
I found this list so good I thought I would
put it on this site for your amusement
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by
Peter Anspach. and is on this web site
THE EVIL OVERLORD LIST
The format has been slightly altered to fit my site but
the content remains as original. FD
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every
Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether
they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Top 100 + 131 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and
shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
"Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will
instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard
it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a
crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that,
death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the
same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely
give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to
every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in
my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks
and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to
give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will
slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I
will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out
to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in
my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert
missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is
anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully
read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code
I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will
not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals,
the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the
Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual
main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who
watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better
save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of
them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be
made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing
by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using
my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my
five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label
the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one
or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not
engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a
river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the
chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough
sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot
before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The
command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon
as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best
troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets
closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops
flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find
out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of
the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both
of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then
activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be
more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also,
I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the
weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is
finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead
I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the
futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months
of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.
(Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling
who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the
guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of
opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel
on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside
opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I
will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together
against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing
each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving
each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I
will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance,
I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Of course, these are merely the Top 100 Things I'd do. Other suggestions
have been sent to me which didn't quite make the Top 100 List. But they are
still so good that I couldn't bear to throw them out. Therefore, as an
expression of gratitude, I have tossed them into...
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident --
I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word
"mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere to any other dress codes.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I
will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a
secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice
will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and
with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the
main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my
power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be
jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they
are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay
with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of
explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling
"Leave him. He's mine!"
If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not
be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling
on when fatally wounded.
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in
his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic
math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more
shot than the standard issue.
If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the
pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may
direct fire inward or at each other.
If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public,
contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their
beards before entering.
Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work
for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither
a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him
back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a
falling-out with his father many years ago.
Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof
deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging,
etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent"
death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera)
stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can
easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to
throw him off track.
Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of
tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The
guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other
source will result in execution.
I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any
possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are
externally mounted and easily removable.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each
other in the arena.
All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored
uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform,
the poor fit will give him away.
I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a
thorough background investigation and security clearance.
If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been
associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but
new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one
will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a
small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along
side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb
aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A
rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device
called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the
last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will
include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has
to be deactivated and make every wire red.
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or
other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if
there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with
fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but
my security patrols will be more effective.
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate,
then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts
anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I
will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to
look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the
prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the
chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the
lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a
souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no
threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of
children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a
real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to
win the hero.
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my
three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to
kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to
kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of
morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and
send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like
crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend
quality time with the grandkids.
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly
defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national
holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will
probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am
assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are
holding a parade in his honor.
I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero
so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I
will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump
out of the way.
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add
to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot
of prisoners know Morse code.
If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships
found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately
vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted,
trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me
that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics
and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open
windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the
I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic
weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to
"hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved
for my trusted lieutenant.
I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to
accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer.
Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep
in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In
particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick!
They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this
helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance
kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my
Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are
Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date
the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry
too much if they get stolen.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my
folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the
stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an
odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like
Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits
will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to
recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a
rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant
gong before finishing off my enemy.
If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on
When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that
does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make
sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the
As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired
body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll
just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all
of them out of the room.
If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did
so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my
choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's
largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old
dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let
the hero get stuck with the genius.
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are
captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while
I decide his fate.
If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many
precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and
I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and
oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group
that will form the core of a rebellion.
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location
where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That
way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out,
take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's
rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames
If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down
to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to
rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress
and order his execution.
I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the
dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable
information once placated.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from
swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out
when someone has entered in this fashion.
If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work
for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her
future wedding and her children's college tuition.
If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says
"Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to
fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side
and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I
can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will
now be heading for him.
I will not outsource core functions.
If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will
make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any
wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls.
Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the
Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body,
I will install a surge suppressor.
I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of
mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone
sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic
little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all
personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the
hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him
then leaving him to his own devices.
I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR
among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects.
Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too
often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll
never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that
incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my
Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to
complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is
nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes
trouble with the EEOC.
If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her
that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at
the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her
and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the
other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and
generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the
moment of dramatic climax.
I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in
my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use
them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my
fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons
and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or
club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed
strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs
I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a
person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make
alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross
them in their moment of glory.
During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to
lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be
required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be
fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts,
permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well
destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in
keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come
in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any
alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on
foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use
provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given
this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station
unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity
Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to
the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a
faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely
desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep
track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my
fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in
the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons
against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold
fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors
or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular
quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality
immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results.
(Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy
one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market
keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you
turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown
has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly
withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to
assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his
former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all
alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I
will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is
now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous
materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to
strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be
considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For
example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and
flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the
climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my
reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little
too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at
some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room
contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than
wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain
reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the
front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little
sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that
someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them
find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive
I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me
personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve
just as well.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set
all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and
launch them successively.
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose
of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient
AN IMPORTANT NOTE REGARDING THE COPYRIGHT:
This Evil Overlord List grew out of the exchanges on what is now the
Star Trek mailing list "firstname.lastname@example.org", beginning in 1994 (when it
was still "email@example.com"). We were kicking around cliches that
appeared on "Deep Space 9" at the time, and I started to compile a list of
classic blunders they were making. The list came to about 20 or so items.
In 1995, I decided to try to make it into a Top 100 List. I attached a
copyright notice, some friends of mine posted it to a few newsgroups, and
the contributions quickly poured in. In 1996 I revised the list entries to
their current form, the Web page went up, more contributions were
solicited, the list expanded beyond 100 and I had to open up a dungeon. I
continued to contribute items; my total is around 40 or so. So while I am
the originator, editor, and principal contributor, I certainly did not
write the majority of the items on the list -- as may be seen by the sheer
number of individuals who are listed as contributors. Around 1997, as the
final contributions were coming in, a couple contributors mentioned that
this was similar to a list of things not to do if you capture James Bond
that had appeared on a sci-fi newsgroup. I'd never heard of or seen this
list, so I assumed it was parallel development or perhaps something I had
On November 12, 2002, I exchanged some emails with Jack Butler who has
list on his website. Sayeth Mr. Butler: "This list has its origins on
the now-nonexistent FidoNet Science Fiction and Fandom (SFFAN) email echo,
in a discussion regarding a sketch seen on an episode of Saturday Night
Live sometime in 1990. In the sketch, several Bond villains were appearing
on a talkshow touting their new book, "What Not To Do If You Capture James
Bond". The discussion on SFFAN was specifically regarding what advice
might be found in that book. The instigator of the discussion was Alesia
Chamness; other contributors included Jason Welles, Brian R. Williams,
Merideth Knepper, and Alexi Vandenburg. I was also one of its
contributors. When I originally posted this list to the Internet in 1994,
I did so without any awareness of Mr. Anspach, the Star Trek mailing list
on which his version of the list appeared, or (later) his website."
Apparently both lists were compiled during overlapping periods of time.
Comparing the two, some items appear on one list but not the other. Other
items appear identical to those on this list; since many are the result of
my writing or editing, I believe they were taken from this list and posted
to that list without permission. But other items on that list appear
identical to contributions I received before I edited them. Those items
may have been taken from that list and submitted here under false
pretenses, or they may have innocently been submitted to both lists by
their originators. It appears that as a result of this
"cross-contamination", the two lists have arrived at a point where there
are variations on each other and it is probably impossible to untangle
them. (I would still like to talk with Alesia Chamness. If you know her,
please ask her to email me.)
I believe Jack Butler when he says the list on his website is the
current form of the James Bond Villain list, and I thank him for helping
to clarify matters. Let me state that I had nothing to do with the FidoNet
SFFAN list which is firmly in the public domain, and I lay no claim to it.
The copyright statement attached to my list applies only to this list, in
the form it appears.
-- Peter Anspach
This Dungeon List is Copyright 1996-1998 by Peter Anspach
If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided
that (1) it is not altered in any way and (2) this copyright notice is