INDEX  TO  WEB  SITE

HOME
PREFACE 

STORY UPDATE NEWS AND EBAY LISTING

 

GENERAL ITEMS
FOGGYDAVES CANTENNA 
THE EVIL OVERLORD LIST

THE EVIL MINIONS GUIDE

OTHER EVIL/ HERO  GUIDES
A FEW VERSES 

NAMES I CALL MY WIFE & SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

COLLECTIVE NOUNS FOR ANIMAL SPECIES

SOME OTHER EBAY SALES WITH STORIES

THE REAL MEANING OF HAYNES MANUAL INSTRUCTIONS

SALAD FINGERS

TOMTOM SATNAV SAG BLUES

 

KITE MAKING PAGES

REVOLUTION KITE MAKING

 

CONTRIBUTIONS FROM READERS

STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

   STORY 2  EBAY

 

The Utube Ebay song by Wierd Al Yankovich

 

 

This book devotes may pages with stories of my sales on Ebay.

 

I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE AND THE FUTURE IS EBAY  FD 2008

 

Depending when in the future you read this story, Ebay is either an auction site for buying and selling tangible goods. Or it’s far in the future, when the USA will be known as the USE, “The United States of Ebay”, and governed by the “Google” party. It will be the ultimate in capitalism, where all facets of life are ruled by the auction. Everything from body parts to complete African states will be sold there. It will be a  place where grandmothers, well past their sell by date are auctioned off to participate in “Big Brothers Mortuary”. Or if she is a dry old stick as kindling for the fire.

Children at birth will be implanted with a radio carbon chip that holds all the information on that child, and is updated second by second. Birthdays will be known as “chip day”. This chip will contain all the details of a persons life from shopping habits to the amount of time spent combing hair, picking nose etc etc

 

No detail will be too small, no subject taboo.

The ultimate consumer society.

For example.

You get up in the morning.

You want to use the toilet, or have a shower.

The water will of course be subject to the Ebay bidding process for one-litre portions. You will be bidding against everyone else in the street. The way the auction would work, is that when you have been to the bathroom to shower you punch in “Shower” on your wrist computer. The screen will show all the people in a 100 metre radius who require  water at this time. The bidding will be in ten seconds auctions. If you are lucky enough to win, then you receive 10 litres of water for your shower or if you are flushing the loo 1 litre is injected into your cistern, if you fail you bid on the next ten second round.

It would be no good trying to get up early to beat the rush, because before you go to bed at a time you win at auction, you also have to bid on a time to get up.All the auctions  will be analyzed on an area basis. If you wish to win an auction to get up early to beat the rush, it will cost more than getting up with the masses, so what you gain on winning a cheap early litre of water you will loose by rising early. In this system there are no winners, just an average on everything.

Hopefully you win a good breakfast and a reasonable amount of toothpaste.

You then catch a bus to go shopping.

When the bus arrives at your stop there is a five second auction. Each bus allocates five seats to a stop, therefore the highest five bidders are allowed on. The lowest high bidder sits beside the smelly person, who shouts to himself, (there is always one). The next, to loud “Ipod guy”. Then onto screaming snot ridden children, and very big sweaty person. The highest bidder sits on the top deck at the front with a drive in movie. If he has won on “Buy it now” he also gets free hostess service.

You do your shopping.                    

At the supermarket each item will be displayed singly, i.e. one can of beans, peas etc, when someone bids on the can a five-second auction begins. If a few people want the can the bids will raise until the five seconds are up. A half minute after the winner takes the can another pops up to take its place and the auction again commences. You may think it would be cheaper to wait until no one else is in the vicinity and bid low, but you also have to bid on your time in the store, the longer you are in, the dearer it is. So to dawdle and wait is often costlier than bidding against other shoppers.

The bidding though will work both ways. At work your time will be bid for by different managers, the more skilled you are the more demand for your time. This ensures you are getting paid what you are worth.

The only thing you cannot bid on is the time of your birth, that was bid on by your parents. If your birthday falls in the middle of the year when you can have a party outside then you know they bid high. If on the other hand your birthday falls on December 25 when your presents are amalgamated then they bid low. If it falls on February 29 then you should get some new parents.

 

This is the ultimate price on demand.

There will be absolutely no product or indeed pastime that will not be completely governed by the auction.

The ultimate Utopian society. Eat your heart out Marx

edited 08 2010

Copyright © David B Forrester 2008