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NAMES I CALL MY WIFE & SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

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REVOLUTION KITE MAKING

 

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STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS#

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

 

STORY 7  MY BIRTHDAY TODAY 

As it was my birthday my wife; as well as not hitting me, bought me a new toothbrush with fancy bristles that are said to clean every orifice and dislodge the most stubborn particles of last nights vindaloo. This would have been a nice present if I had any teeth to clean, but what with the constant gnashing, grinding, and battering, they are all missing or worn out. I no longer go to the dentist; I just put them in an envelope and post them. I do however find toothbrushes excellent in the de-greasing and cleaning of engines and other intricate engineering type objects. My wife though is so proud of her teeth, and although having a few more than the average, still manages to keep them razor sharp and pointy. Even though they may stick out at funny angles her smile is really warm and welcoming, (the same way an alligator may smile just before it crunches down on bone and gristle. She does not use a conventional tooth brush but a power drill with wire brush attachment. On the island where my dearest comes from they clean their teeth with coconuts, not the white pith but the shell, scraping away with the sharp bits and flossing with plaited coconut hair. The coconuts are gathered by throwing pebbles up into the trees. Because the island is a cone and has no flat parts, it is very important that they catch the coconuts and pebbles before they hit the ground, because if allowed to roll down hill they would soon start an avalanche. Whole villages have been wiped out because someone wanted to floss

Thinks........... (Something has been nagging me at the back of my mind, it was something my dearest said when she gave me the tooth brush, something about getting my main present tonight. I am now pondering  what it may be.)

When my dearest goes to the dentist she does not have the normal hand held syringe type anaesthetic needle. It is safer if the dentist, using a high powered rifle with telescopic sights, fires a tranquilizer dart from fifty meters. That way the dentist avoids the spasmodic twitching of the body as it drops into unconsciousness. He then has a frantic five minutes doing what dentists gruesomely do, hastily retreating before she groggily comes round, arms and legs flailing, looking for someone to hit, and demanding painkillers

Thinks............(The more I ponder the more I worry. My peg legged one's idea of a surprise normally  involves pain of some sorts, be it from the gastric eruptions that normally follows from any meal she cooks, to the ill fitting slippers she buys that I have to wear for at least a month before they are "lost".)

I wonder why someone decides to become a dentist. ALL my friends’ hate, loath, and fear the tooth puller. The doctor saves, the dentist just inflicts pain. Maybe it was because they had their first sexual dream whilst under the effects of gas at the dentists, so making it a Freudian decision. 

Thinks......(What is that noise.....running water....NOOOOOOOOOO......SHE HAS JUST TURNED THE SHOWER ON ****. This can mean only one thing Se- Se- SE. I cannot write it, Must be writers block. Se-SE-Se-se-SEX there I wrote it Oh no I cannot remember the last time we had Se-se-se-IT. Although my mind tends to blank these things out. WHY would she think IT would be a treat for me. )

Thinks.....(Oh no she's started to sing........This is really bad. )

Thinks......(Finish the story Dave and then sort it out...........OK)

Today’s toothbrushes are so versatile. They have extra bits at the front for gums, bits on side for reaching into those dark cavities, and bits on the back to clean the tongue. We now have brushes that rotate, revolve, and oscillate etc. Soon the handles will contain a kit for DIY extraction and root canal work. THE END

Thinks....(There done it........Don't panic Dave there must be a way out, some excuse, plague, pestilence, Rangoon Crut, NO nothing will work she has all those things and worse anyway the threat of another disease would be as a pimple on the backside of an elephant, elephants, ELEPHANTS, yes I could say that my next door neighbour Mr Stienenfranck has invited me on an Elephant hunt to celebrate my birthday.................No she would just want to come. We were in Africa a few years back and I actually saw her single handed  wrestle a raging 3 ton bull elephant to the ground.......)

Oh no she's calling in that throaty voice she thinks is so sexy but just sounds as though she has a mouthfull of gravel..........................Come on Dave be a man and face up to your nuptial duties................Think of England, St George and situations that could be a lot worse.......................................Still thinking....come on Dave surely there are some things worse than this,............minds a blank......................OH WELL, HEY HO where's the plank and rope, and better put the rescue team on standby.

 

A POEM BY PAM AYRES

OH I WISH ID LOOKED AFTER MY TEETH

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the perils beneath,
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

I wish I'd been that much more willin'
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To pass up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers
And to buy something else with me shillin'.

When I think of the lollies I licked,
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My Mother, she told me no end,
"If you got a tooth, you got a friend"
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time... I could bite!

If I'd known I was paving the way,
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fiIlin's
Injections and drillin's
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lay in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine,
In these molars of mine,
"Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there."

How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath,
But now comes the reckonin'
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

 

 

Copyright © David B Forrester 2008

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