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FOGGYDAVES CANTENNA 
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THE EVIL MINIONS GUIDE

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A FEW VERSES 

NAMES I CALL MY WIFE & SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

COLLECTIVE NOUNS FOR ANIMAL SPECIES

SOME OTHER EBAY SALES WITH STORIES

THE REAL MEANING OF HAYNES MANUAL INSTRUCTIONS

SALAD FINGERS

TOMTOM SATNAV SAG BLUES

 

KITE MAKING PAGES

REVOLUTION KITE MAKING

 

CONTRIBUTIONS FROM READERS

STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24  THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25  MY GUITAR AND AMP

26 SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27 HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     STORY 11 SELLING A PURPLELINE HITCHDRIVE ON EBAY 

A tale of rummage sale carnage and a sad policeman

The Purple Line Hitchdrive

 

Below is a transcript of the description on the original Ebay sale

The reason for this sale is very long so please bear with me whilst I explain.

On a conical island having one leg shorter is a blessing and stops you toppling over but in good old Blighty the only blessing is that you can walk half on and off the pavement comfortably. To overcome the leaning when on the flat my dearest normally wears a wooden leg with an old plimsoll attached. On a recent visit to our local Halfords she saw and fell in love with the caravan hitch drive, seeing it as a means of more rapid perambulation by strapping the hitch drive  to her shorter leg and scooting along. Also if she had two she could indulge in the island sport of sheep skudging  but without the sheep. (See story 3 Selling an old Land Rover on my web site)

I bought a couple of hitch drives off Ebay, and my wife duly tried one out on a trip to the local rummage sale. You would assume a rummage sale in a quiet village like ours to be a sedate affair. You would expect after many minutes of exchanging pleasantries about the weather, the vendors blue rinse, and her latest visit to the doctor about her, “down there” problem, that the item would be bought and the asking price paid, accompanied with much searching of purses for the right change. NOT SO !!! In this village a rummage sale is more akin to a school of sharks in a feeding frenzy, or an attack by Genghis Khan and his hoards, hell bent on mayhem and pillage.

Many hours before the sale the villagers arrive in one's and two's, not going up to the door but idling about in the general vicinity not wanting to look too keen. Much in the way the alcoholics hang around the pub door before opening time. (Me Oh no I am not an alcoholic I just can't wait for a drink, "Come on landlord open up. Is such a word as Rummageaholic?) Half an hour before the hall doors open there is  an excited throng of villagers each clutching plastic bin bags milling around and soon the chant of "Why are we waiting" rings around the village square, and then the moment arrives. As the decrepit care taker opens the doors he is crushed by a mob of screaming, struggling women, as they sweep into the hall each bent on getting any bargains or clothes donated by the local gentry, the best of which had been hidden under the tables by the stall holders in safe keeping for themselves. It is noted in the record books that a shoal of Piranha fish can strip a full deer carcass to the bone in four minutes. This mob can clear a hall full of clothes in three. My wife although finding her wooden leg useful in bludgeoning those around her, and literally beating a path to her chosen article, always found herself left behind at the start of the charge. Although by her sheer size and weight would be at the front of the queue before the doors opened my ‘Brummy bulldozer’ would lag behind at the stampede.

There is a steep hill in front of the village hall. My dearest’s plan was to strap the hitch drive to her leg, wait at the top until the door man was about to open the doors, and then scoot on the hitch drive down the hill, hoping that her impetus would take her through the crowd and into the hall thereby being first for the best things, especially the evening dress donated by the local Lady of the manor which, although many sizes too small, would make her the envy at the next WI meeting. My wife normally wears what to most people would be classed as a bell tent, and is so used by the scout group during their local jamborees, it is not that my wife will wear the evening gown; but that the others cannot. So the day and time of the sale arrived the doorman approached the door. My wife pushed off from the top of the hill.

Newton when he worked out forces on a body would have taken great delight in my wife demonstrating them as she plummeted

                                

A demonstration of Newtons theories of motion

down the hill rapidly gaining speed. Her maniacal war scream which added a certain zest to the journey, warned the pressing throng below of the doom and catastrophe which was about to befall them. Some at the front of the crowd nearest the door were oblivious to the Scud type missile approaching them, others turning around although they could see, were unable to move out of the way, and could only look on in resigned helplessness as their lives flashed before them, and they made peace with God. The ones at the back of the crowd flung themselves to right and left in imitation of a premiership goalie as my wife the‘Friendly neighbourhood rocket’, now travelling at warp speed hit the kerb. Much to her surprise instead of clearing a path of death my wife was flung in a great arc over their heads. Leaving a trail of black smoke from the smouldering tyres she sailed majestically like a flying titanic through the air, landing with a crash in front of the local police house. The hitchdrive now well alight detached from her leg and hurtled spear like through the front window, knocking the helmet off trainee policeman Blenkinsop, and leaving a double black tyre mark across his prematurely balding head. As it was his first day alone on duty he frantically leafed through the incident book to ascertain if this was a normal occurrence, for being a Townie he was unused to the eccentric ways of us country folk. His imagination was further fuelled with nasty stories told him by Arnold the resident bobby, of wicker men, fertility rites, and the dark goings on of the local WI. There had been many strange occurrences in this village, the last being a ram raid on the local shops involving gun shots and hoodies, which was still under investigation, could this missile through the window be a warning to lay off from the local age concern. Or possibly the allotment society, both of whom he had had trouble with in the past, involving the cultivation of illegal substances and the trafficking of same at the local whist drives. He strongly suspected them of perpetrating the ram raid, because the shop owner would not pay protection.

It is an ongoing problem that on pension day the old and often infirm emerge blinking into the light of day and head for the post office to collect their “winnings” they then head for the local Co Op to shop for the essentials buying in as small amounts as possible i.e. tuppence worth of baccy or half an Oxo cube. This as you can imagine causes chaos with the inevitable queues, trolley rage, and handbag fights. Often culminating in arrests and incarceration.   The protection racket in this case is that the shops pay the pensioners to take their clacking teeth and go elsewhere. This is normally to Mr. Achmeds down the road, who in the age old tradition of British shopkeepers insists the customer is always right and tries his best to accommodate their wishes. So successful is he that he owns two Rolls Royce’s and a big house in the next village.

Trainee PC Blenkinsop crawled on hands and knees to the window and peeked over the sill, my wife in the meantime had used the window ledge on the other side to lever herself painfully up, The accident had done nothing to enhance her rugged beauty . Wild eyed with dishevelled hair, and bleeding copiously from abrasions received on her one point pavement landing she poked her head up and came face to face with PC “B”.

Most people on meeting my wife see her first from afar. They then have ample time to organize and prepare their brain to register the Bloodshot manic offset eyes, the wild grin, and the various skin ailments my dear one is prone to, They also have time when getting closer to comprehend the size and shape as well as the ever present odours which constantly surround my little peach. PC “B” did not, he had the full in your face sudden unexpected confrontation from a mere six inches away, receiving the full force of what can only be described as extra surround sound, vision, and smell. Akin to seeing a cheap “b” rated horror movie in 3D. He did what most people would do in this situation. His mind unable to comprehend the messages coming in overloaded and closed down, PC “B” promptly fainted, falling forward into my beloveds large meaty arms.

My hairy chested one, who normally had men trying to escape away from her, took this as an amorous advance and covered his bald head in kisses hoping to revive him. It did in fact give him a very serious skin complaint, and he now wears a “rug” to cover the pustules’ and eruptions. She did consider the kiss of life, but desisted on remembering times in the past when she had done this, and the recipients had either over inflated and exploded, or died of toxic contamination of the lungs very soon after. She did the next best thing and carried him over her shoulder to our garden shed. He is still there now a plaything of my wife’s, (this takes the pressure off me), although the screams at night are a bit nerve racking. My dearest says it is the uniform that turns her on so I am going to take her to see the Cold stream Guards at Buckingham Palace in the hope they use her as a regimental mascot and keep her.

My wife being disillusioned with hitch drives (but not rummage sales) now wants to sell the other one.

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10 May 2008 Second day of sale

Ok 8 days to go so its COMPETITION TIME !!!!!!!!!!!

What you must think of is the many and varied uses a Hitchdrive may be used for.

Submit them to myself.

At the close of auction if you are the winner of the competition, and have won the auction as well, then a discount of 0.003% will apply (on postage).

My wife will be the judge and her decision as always is final. (Final as in, if you do not agree, nasty and dark things may befall you, as it does me, when from time to time I forget my position and disagree with my beloved).

A few ideas to get things going.

 

Change the wheels for metal discs, for a giant pizza cutter.

Put one on each corner of the bed to ease moving when cleaning.

Put one on each corner of the car to ease parking.

The list is endless.

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11 May 2008 Third day of sale

 HELLO HELLO is anybody out there. I know it is only the third day of the sale but my beloved Mistress of the dark wobbly thing is getting a little impatient as to why no one has shown any interest. Well I say "little", my Keeper of the sweaty armpits does not do "little" and I sit here as the banging of doors, the thumping of her wooden leg, and rattling of kitchenware gets ever louder as the rage builds up like the pressure in some over stoked furnace. Ok maybe I exaggerated when I told her there were quinti-zillions of people out there who bought off Ebay and that at least a zillion would want a Hitchdrive, and that I would need an army of secretaries just to answer any queries.

So just between you and me if someone could show some ineterest and enter the competition I would be very grateful. Thankyou.

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12 May 2008 Fourth day of sale

                                                                 

Good news we have a bidder, obviously a discerning caravanner who knows the true value of a hitch drive

 

Also more good news the ideas are pouring in, well not pouring exactly more of a dribble.

 

Bob the builder ------ Run it up and down freshly plastered walls to give an artex finish----Very good Bob this is the  sort of suggestion I am looking for.

 

Mr. Splong of Epping.------Egg nog whisk or drinks mixer.----- Do we have a drinking problem Mr Splong.

 

 Delores of Soho ----------I cannot publish your suggestion Delores as it’s a disgusting thing to do with any mechanical contrivance. And no it does not take rechargeable batteries. Are you aware of the size of this thing, and even if it was a lot smaller, what you wish to do would be unfair to both the chicken and your clients.

 

Fred of Leicester----------Caravan mover.-- Fred with some people there is no hope.

 

Mr S Inclaire ------------ Mount a 3.5 litre V8 engine on top with an armchair on top of the engine and make the first 100 mph unicycle -------- Ah Mr  Inclaire yet another invention to excite and amaze us. But will it sell?                                         

Simon of Bath ----------A shooting stick with attitude

 

Hannah of Gloucester------ Meep meep --- Ok yes Hannah very deep

 

Brenda Bucket of Ibstock ------- Will it fit....Hang on a minute, RAY wash that coal, NOW.....Where was I? Oh yes Will it fit my Coachman----Brenda if your Coachman will wear it then yes although he  may find it chaffs a little on the inner thigh when whipping the horses to a frenzied gallop. May I suggest you strap it to the horses leg if it becomes lame, or better still fit one to each leg tie a huge firework rocket to its back, light the blue touch paper and hold on tight.............By the way why does Ray wash the coal??

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13 May 2008 Fifth day of sale

                                                      

This is really exciting another bidder

 My beloved wife the Nitrous Nightingale has seen that the first bidders name is badhenkie. She was once courted by a Swiss gentleman named Henkie when we were on a skiing holiday in the Tyrol. What he saw in her I do not know. She may have reminded him of the South face of the Eiger or a mountain Yak who knows, love makes strange bed fellows.

 After much rummaging around in the attic she has found the Lederhosen she wore on the last night that they were together and now stands on the back step yodelling in her very loud Basso Profundo voice which sounds more like a stampede of cows than a yodel. It is also setting off all the car and house alarms in the vicinity.  I think the romance may have blossomed given time but Henkie invited her to partake in the classic thigh slapping dance much practiced on cold winter nights in the Alps. My wife is, to put it politely built a little on the large side and has more muscles than the hulk on a particularly bad hair day.

The dance started with the accordion hammering away and soon my Slayer of Mammoths and Henkie were jumping and swirling caught in the excitement of the moment. Then came the time for the thigh slapping and my dearests palms came down with much force onto her ample thighs which rippled and vibrated to each slap. Such were the magnitude of these vibrations that the whole stage and then the lodge started to vibrate in unison. Then completely unexpectedly  Henkie gave my love a light playful slap on the cheek motioning for her to tap him in return. Now I have mentioned previously that my dearest does not do “little”, she also does not know her own strength and is constantly breaking handles off drawers, car doors, and has been banned from the local amusement arcade as all the one arm bandits became no arm bandits. Anyway Henkie gave her this tap expecting a playful tap back. What he got back was a pile driver of a punch that sent him sailing through the air and through a window into the snowy night. This though proved fortuitous as the vibrations of the thigh slapping had loosened the  lodge foundations and it had started to slide down the mountain, and would have carried on, sending us all to a snowy grave had it not been stopped by the inert body of Henkie. My wife and I beat a hasty retreat back to our hotel.

 On a positive note Henkie was hailed a hero and awarded a watch by the local mayor.

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14 May 2008 Sixth day of sale

                                                                       

More suggestions are coming in

                                         

 

Brenda Bucket of Ibstock -------- So you meant a Coachman caravan, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, there's no accounting for taste although you do realise that if you fit this mover it would double the value of your van. 

 

At this time I would ask Delores of Soho to stop mailing me suggestions on how she would use the hitchdrive. Just nip down to Halfords and see how big this thing is, an elephant may find what you suggest a treat, but the poor gerbil certainly would not. I also question the sanity of some of your "male friends" if they allow that sort of thing to be done to them.

 

Mr Fozey1 of Worcester----- Tie a spade behind it and use it as a rotorvator ----- Ah Mr Fozey1 a really good idea, what if you tied a few dogs or cats in front to pull it and it could be a plough. Also as you have bid I will put your suggestion in the hat to win the discount.

 

Shirley of Leicester ------- Will it fit my Bailey Ranger?.-------Yes it will fit a Bailey Ranger and can I say I admire your discerning choice of upmarket caravan.

 

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15 May 2008 Seventh day of sale

 

Wow up to £97 already with Mr Fozey1 taking the lead. He is also sending in a lot more suggestions and is a clear favourite to win the 0.003% reduction on postage should he win.

 

Her are a few more suggestions.

 

Mr Fozey1 of Worcester ------- Whoppee  I have found a mover for my Harley Davidson, ever tried to reverse one.----Yet another potential competition winning suggestion and yes I  rode a Fat Boy once and tried not to get into a position where pushing  back was needed. Even the Honda I own now is a little on the heavy side but I  call the wife out and she just picks it up and swings it around.

 

 

Mr Fozy of Worcester again-----My dearly beloved has just popped her head round the corner and i thought of yet another need for this it. A massager. Just think of all the cellulite pumpling you could do with those Knobbly tyres.
Oh and I just remembered I also have another two trailers that I could use it on instead of pushing them (Now thats a silly idea isnt it).------------------
Who am I to say whats silly or not Its far more sensible than some of the stuff I have suggested. I must say though Mr Fozey we both seem to be on the same wave length. Also could your dear wife be trying to tell you something. Does she know Delores of Soho by any chance?

 

 

Talking of Delores of Soho ------- NO it does NOT come with the sort of attachments you are thinking about and does not take batteries. I can assure you its just an inert caravan mover, you turn the handle and the wheels go round. It does not oscillate, rotate, vibrate, or titillate. On reading some of your suggestions I realise what a sheltered life I have led.

 

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16 May 2008  Eighth day of sale

 

My beloved has decided she wants to go caravanning this weekend. We could have gone last weekend when it was sunny and warm but no "She" had things to do. Once every two months the chiropodist comes to doctor my fungus footed one, and last Saturday was the day. The chiropodist is in fact an ex iron foundry worker and all his expertise in de-slagging, grinding, fettling, and chiselling are needed when he does my wifes foot. He actually brings along his portable sand blasting cabinet. My wife sticks her foot in it and the scouring commences. It is rather an expensive procedure as he uses 500 grit hard sand, this is the only thing that takes the dead skin off. The nails are done with a large pair of bolt croppers, during this procedure we all wear safety goggles, safety hats and bullet proof vests, We then spend 2-3 hours picking up the cuttings and flakes so that they will not fall into the hands of another witch who may use them to put a hex on my beloved. (As she does on them).

 

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 18 May 2008 Tenth and final day of sale

 

Just back from a hectic two days at Kingsbury Water park. Well more of a nightmare really as the  wife decided to have a go at jet and water skiing but that is another story best told when I get all the events clear in my mind.

On a more positive note another suggestion has been submitted

From Tavvydog of no fixed abode---------Hi, I have an idea for the hitchdrive, could very handy when supermarket shopping. I Have been knocked down twice in the same shop by an over excited granny in her supercharged mobility scooter. Maybe I should buy this to save her the embarassment of fiddling with the controls and maiming other shoppers in the process. The hitch drive could help me to gently manoeuvre her in the other direction. If all fails I could hitch it to my trolley enabling me to swiftly run her over in a forwards and reverse action to minimise any further suffering.
Anoymous enraged shopaholic

                                       

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The Hitchdrive sold to a gentleman named Anthony from Kent

 

Ebay only allow 2000 characters to be used when replying to messages. (I think because of people like me)

 

Message to Anthony.

 

 Hi Anthony
My wife and I have just posted the parcel, a tad more expensive than I had anticipated but my wife insisted on the higher rate so that you could track the parcel. She sends small empty parcels to the most obscure places just so that she can track the progress, putting pins in maps, berating the PO for their laziness etc when the pin sticking slows down. She also found your address intriguing as she is great fan of all things French plus Napoleon lived for some time on an island as did my wife. In fact she has just waxed her moustache in memory of the great man
Back to the parcel
The tracking no is xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Go to www,parcelforce.com or ring 08708 501150
The parcel should be with you in 2 days.
Bernard the local postie was going to deliver it himself but is suffering a bout of dermatitis as he has a prediliction for motor oil and has overdone it with the EP Gear oil (Very nasty stuff) you would think he would know better.
Well only 31 characters to go and I can f

 

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So everyone is happy (apart from PC “B”).

 

Copyright © David B Forrester 2008