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STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

STORY 13    SELLING RATCHET STRAPS ON EBAY

 FOR HOLDING DOWN LOADS ON LORRIES

  and SECURING LARGE BABIES IN PRAMS

    and many more uses

 

A tale of a big person, Circus tents and the local Mafia

 

       

PDF file of original eBay advert

    

 

 

Below is a transcript of the description on the original Ebay advert

The reason for this sale is as follows

These straps have only been used once, they came from a safari wild animal restraining pack, which included High-powered dart gun, tranquilizer darts, latex gloves, whip, stainless steel ten-foot cage, and a toilet roll. The latex gloves and whip are missing, I think taken by members of the local Young Wives group, who are into such things. I offered them the straps before this auction but they were rejected as they had tried this sort of restraint before and found chaffing to be a problem.
Lorry drivers, mothers, and other such persons of the road also use these straps for securing loads to lorries and large babies in prams.
Note.
As stated these straps have only been used once, and then only for a short time to secure my Wifes grand mother  to the low loader lorry, during her recent one way trip to the old peoples home.
There comes a painful time in ones life when relatives get old, senile, and less hygienic. They become a liability to your own health and happiness.
One of the rising problems of society today is that because of medical intervention the old are staying healthier long past their retirement age. They continue to be senile, old, and less hygienic, but because of their rude health are not eligible for incarceration and therefore are still at large in society. It is the younger ones lot to have to put up with these coffin dodgers  with their ranting, smelling of urine, and taking the best seat in the lounge. Talking over your favourite television programmes and having theirs on mega loud, leaving the heating on all day and snoring loudly all night.


My wife's grandma  has a big problem, that is literally, she is big, so large in fact that she has difficulty in moving anything, any part of her anatomy, apart from the mouth which tends to make up for lack of movement elsewhere. All her exercise is gained by moving her jaws, both nagging and eating.
My Family wanted to go on holiday and thought it would be best if she were located temporarily in an old people’s home.
The problem we had was that she had come to visit for a few days, stayed a few decades, and eaten, eaten a lot until she was such a size that she could not get through the doors. To move her we dismantled part of the roof, and then lifted her out using a crane and cradle, such as is used for the saving of beached whales and other large creatures of the deep.
People came from miles around to view the spectacle. Green Peace even had an inflatable dinghy in the local brook just in case they needed to take action. All this took place on a particularly hot and humid summer day, and a constant stream of water had to be sprayed over the cradle to keep her cool, this also helped to reduce the odours to a minimum. I am sure most people thought they were watching a remake of Free Willie, or that some how a killer whale had swum up the local brook and this was the rescue mission.
All we needed was David Attenborough to give a running commentary to complete the scene. Granny was eventually secured onto the low loader lorry, then ferried across town accompanied by the fire brigade to spray cooling water, and a police escort to clear the way. As the stay was to be a short one, a temporary marquee was erected for her to be housed in. It was purchased from Billy Smart with all the lights attached.
The local mafia, who were not slow when it came to seizing an opportunity to cash in, immediately put up posters telling people of the amazing attraction. A once in a lifetime opportunity to touch and see this rare animal, which because of its myopic vision could not stand the light and must be kept in near darkness.
The Mafia had a revenge motive for doing this. Once they had tried to muscle in on the local village hall whist and beetle drives in the hope of creating a mini Las Vegas. Granny and my mother in law who were in charge at the time would stand none of it, and immediately retaliated by ripping the penny coin boxes off the hall toilet doors and hitting them around the heads with them. Because the boxes were the Mafia’s main source of income this caused much fiscal hardship. As a warning of doom they sent her a horses head in bed. Many people on receiving such a message would leave town on the next stage coach, but granny only took it to be a midnight snack and sent them a nice thank you letter, asking for more brown sauce and pickled onions the next time.
The patient Mafia now saw this as payback time.
“Roll up, roll up roll up”.
Oh how the people came, mostly out of curiosity for this touchy feely experience. They handed over their one-pound coins and in silent trepidation entered the darkened tent.
Imagination is a wonderful thing; it can bring us dreams or nightmares. Who is to say when in a dark place that what we are told is in there with us is a truth or a lie. All you have to go on without sight are the limited senses of sound, touch, and smell. Who would know if they touched a whale or a toad, could you tell the scent of either? And that deep rumbling rasping sound was it just snoring or some ravenous beast ripping a dead pig apart. It was this lack of sight and the heightening of the other senses that exaggerated the feelings of unease and fear bubbling on the edge of hysteria and pants soiling that pervaded the tent.
A tightly packed crowd, no individual wishing to show less bravery than the other stood gazelle like, yearning to take flight and rush out into the light, but afraid of being seen as different or cowardly.
Then like some behemoth, granny turned over in her watery cradle accompanied by great sucking sounds as her skin pulled away from the wet sides.
As one the crowd broke screaming out of the tent trampling mafia woman and men  into the soft mud, climbing over each other all in escape mode. Some world war two veterans started tunnelling out, but the escape committee vetoed the plan as too costly. Some climbed up into the top of the tent and through the top, tying sheets together to let themselves down on the outside. Most just coiled up in the fetal position awaiting whatever fate the monster within would deal to them.
My wifes granny blissfully unaware of the mayhem she was causing slept on, dreaming of cream cakes, beer and her Tibetan dung pipe.
She is still there, happy and contented, and so the straps therefore are surplus to requirements.

                                        -------------------------------------------------

May 31  Day two of sale

On a previous sale I asked readers to send in suggestions as to the alternative uses for a mechanised caravan hitch drive, one of these was Delores of Soho ( Between you and me I think she is a lady of the night). She has given me a  suggestion for the Ratchet strap which is unprintable as it involves a sheep, a pair of wellingtons, and various kitchen implements.

FD. Delores why do you persist in sending these suggestions in, surely there is more to life...........maybe embroidery or  offal grinding, how about putting ships in little bottles? I do wonder at times.......

I suppose I had better ask other readers for their suggestions, so if you have any just send them in. I personally cannot think of another use, a strap is a strap.

                                            --------------------------------------------------

 June 1 Day three of sale
                                                       
NOTE ADDED.
Surely, someone wants these straps; they are well worth the starting price. Maybe you feel a little squeamish knowing what the straps were used for, but I can assure you they are clean and in very good condition.
As stated the breaking strain is five tonnes, just think what could be strapped down with these. Maybe next doors car, the garden gnome, the caravan on top of the car to save tyre wear, or the car on top of the caravan to save fuel, the wife and kids on top of the car to save ear ache. The list is endless. You could start a club that goes around the country strapping big things down, call it live art and get a grant off the Arts Council, or a chunk of lottery money. Why not start by holding down a bungalow or the village green. Then progress to larger objects, Nelsons column, St Paul’s cathedral. The possibilities are endless and are governed only by the length of strap. The artiness comes from only restraining objects that are very solid and of such great mass that they would not, by any stretch of the imagination move. Holding them down gives the impression they could move if released or if a light breeze sprang up, this imbues the object with a kinetic energy and lightness it would otherwise not possess


Archimedes once said “Give me a fulcrum and I will move the world”
Foggydave says “Give me a ratchet strap and I will stop it from rolling away”.


You could be the first to start a craze that would sweep the country, even the world. Think how much these very cheap straps would be worth then. Maybe you should view this offer as an investment and something to leave the kids when you pop your clogs 

 

We also have our first suggested use

Fanny Cradock of Bath......FD..Ah a ghost name Kharina..Ooops sorry said your real name Kharina..Oooh said it again Oh dear. Anyway  your suggestion is...............Strap Granny to the commode so that she stays there until the business is done. You could have Strap a Granny day where grandmothers all over Britain are strapped to various objects to stop them wandering about. You could strap them all together in a bundle, it would make granny sitting  far easier  and a more pleasurable experience......... Well there you go I can see a craze starting here.  Is there a Johnny somewhere around by any chance?

                                             ----------------------------------------------------------

 June 2 Day four of sale

Another suggestion

Delores of Soho...... Put them both together and make a belt for your wife........FD... Tut Tut Delores Meeeeeooooow...Do I sense a touch of pique that I will not post your more..shall we say exotic uses for the things I sell. It is obvious that in my naivety I  am unaware of the many more erotic uses my sale items could be used for. Maybe they would sell better on Ebay sites that cater for these uses. I will be contacting you with some of the future items so that I may auction the things in these more specialized categories.............

Johnny (but I have hair) of Bath..........Use them to strap your wife's aged uncle to his bath chair lest he make a dramatic leap for freedom as you wheel him over a cliff. So claiming the inheritance which is rightfully yours but was being eaten away by the £1000 a week fees of the care home......FD...Very good Johnny. By the way are you any relation to Fanny??..... ......I do though see a theme here and it seems to involve old people.

Brenda Bucket of Ibstock......Put it around our Coachman caravan to stop warpage when towing over at over 20mph. By the way Ray washes the coal because I tell him too because  its dirty, and I do not do dirty in MY house thank you very much.....Got to go now Ray walked on the kitchen floor so it needs mopping..............I can see the point on strapping the caravan, as I said before buy a Bailey..........Don't you think you are taking this cleanliness thing a tad too far??

And another

 Major General Clutterbuck Smythe VD and scar........ Instead of sending people to prison strap them to tall buildings as a lesson to other criminals. In medieval times it was the stocks now it could be the straps. Oh and while they are there horsewhip the bounders. National service thats what we need, more discipline, send em to the trenches. What we need is another war, makes men of you a good war does. Just try not to die.........FD.....So in what trench did you get the medal Major.....VD and scar very unusual.... I do though like the idea of strapping scroats to tall buildings. You could put bread crumbs on their heads to attract pigeons and over the months with the birds crapping all over them they would be covered in goo which would set hard and then they could become gargoyles and put something back into the community.

                            ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 June 3 Day five of sale

I thought this was another suggestion but it wasn't

Fanny Cradock of Bath........Hey Johnny that's my uncle your talking about. There will be no pushing over cliffs while I am in charge. Oh and was it you that bent all my kebab skewers? Trying to pries those pennies out of your money box were you, How can I shove a skewer up the chickens bum if its bent? tut tut..........And here's me cooking all day long and what for? Working my fingers to the bone over a hot stove, and all you want is chips..chips..You cant skewer chips.............FD....Ok children I think Fanny that it would be better if you conducted your tiffs in private.......Oh and what's wrong with chips? I myself happen to be master of the seven crinkler chip. There's not many that can do a seven.  A five is hard and  six is difficult but it takes real skill learnt over years to do a seven crinkler. Taught by my Grand dad I was. Although I never mastered the four sided seven only the two. My Grand dad died before he could teach me, he was showing me how to eat three seven crinklers sideways, a very difficult and dangerous maneuver but he was unaware that there was also an eight four sider was on his fork, very rare is an eight and not to be treated lightly. Poor man choked to death, we tried crowbars, screwdrivers, we even sent a ferret in but that eight just stuck in his throat and would not budge.

                                                              Later on day five of sale

May I at this time suggest that Fanny Cradock aka Kharina and Hairy Johnny aka Hairy of Bath talk to each other and not send emails to each other via myself, asking me to forward them on. You do live in the same house don't you ? If you carry on I may publish them at a later date. Oh by the way Hairy be careful of Fanny when she has skewers . apparently she is skilled in the art of culinary weaponry, her first weapon of choice is the round soup spoon, the second being the humble skewer. My wife just raises the Frying pan in a menacing way, I have never pushed her further to see how high she would raise it, but I know on whose head it would descend. You have been warned.

                                                            -----------------------------------------------

 June 3 Day six of sale

This is going really slowly

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm thinks!!!.

STOP PRESS.STOP PRESS. STOP PRESS. STOP PRESS. STOP PRESS.
The Management has informed me that I can offer to the lucky winner of this once in a lifetime auction, FREE, yes FREE, life membership of the Strapitdown art club. (Subject to the committees agreement) This club formed very recently, (today), and is dedicated to the art of holding down large objects artistically. Our short-term aim is to be awarded a large wedge of lottery money, sit on our backsides, and escape to the Bahamas.
Enclosed with your straps will be a beginner’s guide to the ancient art of strapping. Secrets passed down through the centuries in cryptic sketches and by word of mouth will be yours. You will learn all the intricacies of the ratchet system and the secret pulling method. How to avoid the dreaded twisted strap syndrome, much feared by the novice. Even the dark art of threading the strap through the ratchet (only to be tried by the expert). All this and much more. You will become a member of an elite club, where only the selected few gain entry, have funny handshakes, silly initiation rights and wear plastic aprons and Marigold gloves.
You will be one of those who will say in years to come that you were here, you bid, you won.
I quote from the bard ***    
 

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers:
For he today that bids this auction with me.
Shall be my brother, be he ne’er so vile.
This auction shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now abed,
Shall think themselves accursed they did not bid.
And hold their manhood’s cheap whiles any speaks
That bid with you on this fair auction and won.



Come brothers and sisters, shall you say in the years to come that you missed this opportunity, this wonderful chance to bid. Will it be you who wins and says, “I changed the world”? Or will you weep behind a closed door that was once open but you did not go through. The choice is yours and I know in my heart you will not let me down, as you know in your heart this is the right thing to do, Just think your name could be top of the Strapitdown clubs roll of honour. Your membership number will be 1 Not 2 or 2 ½ History will record your name. If you do not do it for yourself then think of your wonderful children. Can you imagine the pride they will feel at school when asked what their fathers do they can say he is numero uno, he is a winner, even though his first name is not Nigel. When you are old and decrepit you will tell your round eyed wondering grandchildren of this time, of the golden age of strapping, when you were the Grand Master elect of the ancient order.


Well the last day and no bids. I have not told the wife I am selling these so there is no pressure (As in squeezing various delicate parts of my body) She insists on a cut of all the profits.

Oh by the way there is no reserve on this item and if my arguments as to why you should buy them have not convinced you then nothing will. I just think its a golden opportunity wasted.

FD.....Thinks........A belt for the wife............nah not long enough .........get a third one though and with enough ratcheting she could have an hour glass figure ...............nah whatever we squeeze in one place will pop out somewhere else, and she is not the best of shapes as it is. Still if they don't sell I can ring Delores and find out what other catagories to sell them on!!!!!!


NOTE
After a fierce round of bidding a gentleman from Bristol won the straps

Copyright © David B Forrester 2008