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STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

STORY 15 SELLING GOALPOSTS ON EBAY

A tale of my peg legged Pele's ambitions

     

PDF file of original Ebay advert

     

Below is a transcript of the description on the original Ebay advert

 

The reason for this sale is as follows

 

My wife has ambitions for our son to do well, become rich, marry a nice lady, and then keep us in the luxury we crave. (Well the wife craves! I just want a quiet house and a decent meal. Not a lot to ask.) Most parents encourage their kids academically in the hope that they go into business, do well, and eventually repay all the hard, back breaking work, and money we as parents have put in over the years. My wife has been keeping records for just this purpose. Oh the hours she has spent working into the night by the light of a flickering candle hunched over the 17 column analysis book licking the end of her pencil stub as she meticulously kept the records up to date.  These books itemise all the money spent and jobs done when bringing him up, from the costs of nappies and dummies, and the price we paid in sleepless nights, to the designer trainers bought lest he be ridiculed at school for not being "with it". The records are kept in proper ledgers which are stacked waist high in the dining room. When he is naughty or ungrateful, yearly totals are read out to him, with finally the latest running total of costs to date. This is to show him what an ungrateful wretch he is. Most parents say “after all I have done for you”, with no qualification. Then as a retort just to annoy the child utters the immortal phrase “whatever”, but if you have proof, can give figures and dates, the child has to agree. The word “what ever” turns into. “I see exactly what you mean, I am being selfish aren’t I Pater and Mater, I am so awfully sorry I know I will never be able to repay all this”. Then WE can say “WHAT EVER”.
Apart from being a child prodigy, or genius whom you can exploit for monetary gains, the next best thing for your child to be is either a rock star or footballer. My son had proved himself inept at playing music, (has this ever stopped rock stars?), therefore the footballing option was chosen. (With the local teams performance last year ability has little to do with being in the team either).
So his mum bought a set of goal posts off of Ebay and commenced training. How someone with a wooden leg who knows next to nothing about football, could consider herself qualified to teach the fine art of football is beyond me. Then again when has not knowing about something ever stopped mine, or anyone else’s wife from talking about or doing it, or telling the husband how to do it?
The first thing my wife the Moustachioed Maradonna did, was to give the lad a new name, a motivating one. It could have been Beckham, Gigs, or Ronaldo, even Stanley, but no she went and chose

 Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllla-a-a.

As screamed by the more enthusiastic South American football commentators.

This name caused havoc with the school register, and when tagging his school clothes the labels hung down like ribbons on a Morris dancer. I sensibly referred to him as “G” but the wife used his full name and shouted it like the commentator in all its Latin American glory................. I really do despair at times.
So out came the white emulsion, the lawn was lined out, the  goalposts erected, and training commenced.

 Footballing is an innate talent that you either have or you do not. If you have two left feet then nothing on Gods earth will change one of those to a right foot. If the co ordination and dexterity is not there then its not, and that should be an end to it. That is if you are sensible and not a mother, who in her mind sees her son scoring a hat trick for England, and winning the world cup. A woman blinded by the dream of her son buying her a villa in the south of France. Nothing it seemed would thwart my peg legged Pele as she pushed the lad to the limit, her parade ground voice ringing out from dawn until dusk. I must commend him for his efforts in trying to please his mum, but as I said you either have the footie talent or not, and he did not. What was evident though was his stamina and running ability. When all you have seen your son do for the last four years is slouch from one location to the other, hands in pockets, thong showing with the tops of jeans around his knees. Then to see him move above an amble was a revelation, to see him run was a minor miracle. For him to smile whilst he is running was, and is, a major miracle. After a family discussion it was decided that although a less lucrative proposition, running may be the way forward for the lad. His name has been changed to Marathon which isn’t anywhere near as bad as

 Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllla-a-a.

It is also a lot quieter.

And it could have been a lot worse, she could have named him Paula..

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23 June Day 2 of sale

 

Now comes the clever part, I normally invite the readers to submit alternative uses for whatever I am selling. When I sold the Caravan Hitchdrive there were quite a few, but when selling Ratchet Straps there were not so many. I wonder what you can suggest here. So just send in your suggestions, they then will  be immortalised on my web site

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24 June  Day 3 of sale

 

This is very quick, we have a bidder Lydall2006 obviously a person who sees the true value of owning these goalposts and one who wishes to stake an early claim on what could be a nice little bargain

 

Also we have some suggestions

 

Hannah of Gloucester............Meep.....meep.........FD....Once again Hannah you are being very deep..............Am I missing something here.

 

Mr S Inclair...... Fill the tubes with sand and place at the bottom of the canal then as well as being able to play underwater football you may catch a few fish in the net and so have food for the after game barbecue ......................FD.....Surely the ball will float to the surface, but yet another great idea from Mr Inclair..

 

Johnny Craddock  aka Hairy of Bath....Why not let your beautiful wife keep the goal posts to wear as a hat at the next Ascot meet. I am sure the side rails would sit nicely on her slender soft skinned shoulders. She could also wear footballs as earrings and half a dozen referees whistles as a necklace.  She would look quite  fetching............FD...Mr Johnny if you are trying to impress my wife you are succeeding, I see you have been looking at my web site, she saw your message and she thanks you kindly for the compliments,  but sadly has already sorted out an assemblage for the next meeting,  it involves one of those portable toilets as seen at fairs and building sites along with some 6 way sewer manifold joints. She has also said that should you find yourself in the Leicester area just call in for a cuppa and a chat.................You are highly honoured Mr Johnny not many people get asked around for tea and cucumber sandwiches. Will you be bringing Mrs C ? Oh and the wife asks that you wear your monocle, and Mrs C leave her soup spoons at home

 

Fred of Leicester.......... Use it to stop the balls going too far when they go into the goal mouth also if they go in you will know because the net will keep them in....................FD....Fred you are as sharp as ever I am sure no one has thought of this before. Where do you get these wonderful ideas from?

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25 June Day 4 of sale

 

No more bidders as yet, no doubt dozens of eager Ebayers are waiting to pounce at the last minute in the hope of winning.

On my last sale Fanny and Johnny Craddock aka Kharina and Hairy of Bath started to send each other email messages through my web site and Ebay sales this sale is no exception. Johnny started it off by complimenting my wife on day two of the sale, here they go again

My observations are in italic

 

Fanny Craddock  aka K of Bath ( Johnny's wife).............Oh Johnny how could you, I work my fingers to the bone cooking all day and what do you do? You just cavort with loose women........ FD...Oh I say Fanny hold on there, the only thing loose about my wife is a bit of flab on the underarms, the rest is solid 110% muscle.

 

Johnny C........When you see me all you see is something to stick a skewer into and baste over a hot grill....I am a man....... I have needs, Oh I know you cook all those exotic dishes for me but I have more basic needs, a man cannot live by cordon blue cooking all the time, I crave for the darker things....... like.......like.........like..........a McDonalds Double Mega whopper Cheese Burger. There I have said it......Oh and chips.

 

Fanny C......Oh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny,  I thought we had more than this, How could you talk of such things? I never thought the day would come when I would have heard you say such awful things. When I met you you were in the gutter I dragged you up shoved a skewer up your back bone bought you a monocle and made a slave of you and this is how you repay me you ungrateful wretch.

 

Johnny C...... Chips, chips,chips,,chips,chips..

 

Fanny C.......We will have less of that smutty talk young man.

 

Johnny C......The only reason I was in the gutter was that you kicked me off my pushbike when you were shopping, and as for being your slave I am master in my own household and what I say goes ok

 

Fanny C.......Ha Ok Mr Big get your own dinner tonight and don't think I am going to give you pocket money to go to the chip shop.

............................................FD....Children, children please stop arguing. I would suggest that you set up your own web site to talk to each other. I do know though that your communication system i.e. through a proxy is not unique. Some married friends of mine actually talk to each other more on mobile phones than face to face. He will not shout downstairs "Where are my clean socks" but will ring her up, she will then scream up the stairs "There where they always are just look" because she forgot to charge her batteries. This has even extended to a casual "Would you pass the salt my  love" across the dining table. One evening they had a "phone" party where everyone talked to each other through their phones, this was though abandoned when no one could hear anything above the din of cell phones ringing.                                  

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26 June Day 5 of sale

 

 I think Fanny and Johnny must have made up as I have received no more emails, either that or she has used her martial art skills with the soup spoons or he may have been skewered through the heart maybe Johnny is no more. We must wait and see

 

More suggestions coming in even as I type, another from Fred.

 

 Fred of Leicester........Turn the goal over so that the base is the upright so giving a 3 ft high goal, suitable for very small men and foot ball playing whippets .........FD....Fred this is indeed thinking outside the envelope, in fact outside the parcel.

 

No suggestions from Delores of Soho I think this one has stumped even her. Thank goodness.

 

Brenda Bucket of Ibstock...........Tie it behind our caravan  to catch all the bits that.......hang on a minute..RAY wash that coal....NOW......sorry had to keep the hubby in check..........where was I ....Oh yes .......To catch all the bits that fall of when we are towing it. Like warped doors, floors, etc.................FD...Brenda is there anything left on your caravan apart from the chassis when you get to the camp site??

 

Fred of Leicester ................. When water skiing tow the goal upside down behind the skier so that when they fall off the net will catch them and so save fuel going back to collect them, and it will also catch fish for Après Ski barbecue later .....................FD....Fred I am very impressed, be very careful your brain does not overheat, I think we must forget envelope, even parcel, just think Post Office.

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27 June Day 6 of sale

 

Not much interest shown yet.

Ask yourself why We did not qualify for the European cup, also the last world cup was a bit of a disaster.

Could it be that the budding young Beckhams and Roonies  are not being given the support they so badly deserve? What we need to do is nurture the football ethos at the earliest opportunity, and what earlier opportunity could there be than at conception , why not erect these posts over your bed as in a four poster. Possibly draping it with  the shirts of your favourite England players. Then nine months later instead of using a birthing pool use this as a birthing goal, just think the first thing your budding Stanley Mathews will see is the back of the net, what inspiration.

But it need not stop there you could turn the goal upside down and use the netting as a crib. Then when he is older tie it on a bit of rope over his cot and use it as a mobile. Put wheels on the ends and use it as a pushchair and before long your young Pele will be kicking the cat all around the kitchen.

Instead of learning to speak you give him a refs whistle and teach him Morse code. Why not implant a whistle in place of his tonsils?

For discipline you could use a red and yellow card system. these cards will be made out of wood so if the child shows any dissent a quick thwack on the head will be forthcoming.

There is the possibility that the young Ronaldo may rebel and prefer Cross stitching or Flower pressing but I am sure if he is shown the red card hard enough he should tow the line.

 

Note.......Unlike my wife please use a sensible name like George or David certainly not..

 Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllla-a-a.....

Because that would be rather silly wouldn't it.

 

                                     ------------------------------------------------------

 

28 June Day 8 of sale

 

Well back from another weekend of purgatory caravaning with the wife, We went to a place near Fradley and visited the National War Memorial just on the day HRH Charlie was visiting. Its a wonder my dearest is not in the Tower of London after her curtsey went completely wrong and she ended up knocking Big C out with her wooden leg. That though is another story.

I see the bidding is moving on at a goodley pace

 

Another suggestion from Johnny C aka Hairy of Bath...................Why don't you discard the poles and use the net as a hairnet for your wonderful wife so that she may retain her beautiful hair style............................FD....Ah and I was thinking you had ironed out all your problems. You seem to have a death wish Johnny, has Fanny seen this post? When you say hair do you mean the hair on her head, chest, legs, chin, ears, nostrils,or underarms? She has so much of the stuff.

 

I knew it was too good to last

Delores of Soho.............FD....Again an unprintable alternative use but the words wardrobe and jumping off predominate. Delores did you mean the whole football team or just one player? Do you supply the ladder? What pills are you on ? There are many more questions but I just do not want to go there.........I think.

 

Johnny may I ask at this time that  you stop working your magical charm upon my beloved she has started to look at herself as she walks by the mirror in the hall. I actually caught her plucking her nostril hairs this morning, a scary sight and even more scary sound. ( She uses specially hardened long nose engineers pliers for this task) I will though be getting really worried when she has a shave. On a more positive note my red eyed one said she would be willing to offer counseling should you or your dear partner want it. You would of course get a discounted rate. I  advise though caution as my wife's idea of counseling has more to do with ancient witchcraft than modern day phsychology and involves the use of frog legs, sheep's eyes, and the more unmentionable animal body parts  ..........................................  Which I will not mention as they are unmentionable.

 

Fanny C aka K of Bath..........I will have some of that counseling stuff and I know where you can shove the animal body parts, it involves Johnnies nether regions and a bent skewer................FD....Now then Fanny I do not think that's the correct way to approach counseling, do you? A more reconciliatory tone would be more useful don't you think?

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29 June day 9 of sale

 

Well this is indeed going very slowly.

Just think of the wonderful future you are denying your son or daughter just because you would not buy these goal posts. You may think your child does not want this goal set but how do you know.

Picture this.

You set up the goal posts with a football on the lawn beneath your child's bedroom window. You then coax the young one away from the X box and Tour Of Duty 4 or Doom 3 which he/she has been playing for the last two days and tell him/her to look outside. As the tears run down over sallow cheeks ( These are not tears of joy but watering eyes because they have not seen sunlight for two days)  and with a yell of delight they will hobble on weakened legs ( two days laying on the bed) down the stairs and into the light. This light will not just be from the sun but from inside themselves as they see that this is what they have been waiting for all their lives. Forget X boxes, Wii , mobile phones and U Tube. This is real, this is round, this is a football, and that wonderful thing that my parents so thoughtfully bought off Ebay is the goal. Think how proud this will make you feel.

Also think how envious your neighbours will be when they see this wonderful gift on your lawn and not theirs, and have to explain to their offspring why you as wonderful parents bought this for your kids and they as parental failures have let them down.

Go on, make a bid, you know you owe it to your wonderful children, and the future of English football when once again we may hold our heads high as world champions. When we can proudly walk the streets of European capitals in our Union Jack shorts yelling abuse at these inferior people because,

a) They did not win the cup.

    I suppose it could also be because,

b) We are blind drunk.

c) They do not speak English.

 

Or if that does not work for you think of it another way. If your child is playing football with this wonderful set and with all his new found friends then they are not watching television or playing computer games. This will save electricity which in turn will reduce the output of the power stations, which will mean less carbon emissions, which will mean less global warming. So by buying these posts you could save the world, or at least give it a millisecond longer to live. So just think of yourself as an Eco Warrior and bid now.

 

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The auction was won by a gentleman from Shrewsbury who is an ex marine and does free fall parachuting, I think he wants to use the goal as a safety net. If during his flight to earth he finds that his chute will not open, or he has in fact forgotten to put it on his son standing far below can catch him in the net. He may of course carry the goal with him and just before he hits the ground can throw this down and fall into it.

Then again he may just want it for his son to play with................... Oh if only life was that simple.

 

 

 

 

             IT IS!!!!!!!!! 

             Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm ...........................for you maybe.

 

 

Copyright © David B Forrester 2008