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FOGGYDAVES CANTENNA 
THE EVIL OVERLORD LIST

THE EVIL MINIONS GUIDE

OTHER EVIL/ HERO  GUIDES
A FEW VERSES 

NAMES I CALL MY WIFE & SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

COLLECTIVE NOUNS FOR ANIMAL SPECIES

SOME OTHER EBAY SALES WITH STORIES

THE REAL MEANING OF HAYNES MANUAL INSTRUCTIONS

SALAD FINGERS

TOMTOM SATNAV SAG BLUES

 

KITE MAKING PAGES

REVOLUTION KITE MAKING

 

CONTRIBUTIONS FROM READERS

STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

STORY 24  THE REAL DE-VINCI CODE

 I talked in an earlier story of my wife’s enigmatic grin. (Story 4)  Now enigmatic grins on Sean Connery, Ursula Undress, and Nanette Neumann are very fine and handsome things, and are convincing in there enigmaticism, but my wife noooo. If you can imagine a grimace upside down with the lopsidedness of a stroke victim then you have it, and far from being enigmatic, it is just an upside down grimace and means much the same I.

I suppose the most famous enigmatic grin is on the Mona Lisa. What is not well known is the story behind the painting. 

 Firstly, it was painted in that fair city of Leicester, England. Not as we are told in Milan or Rome.

The story goes that it was painted by Sigmund Pugg, who was in fact a spy for the La Thro’ete opera company, the most famous Italian opera company of the time. To attain that smile  he made her sit bare bottomed on a saddle covered with a sheet of 40 grit sandpaper, after 2 hours he then told her to sit on a soft, down filled velvet cushion, the smile was the moment that she sank  into the soft yielding fabric.

Mona, the wife of the local Mayor fell in love with Sigmund who was using her to fulfil his dastardly spying deeds and who better than the Mayors wife to show him all the fortifications and other attractions that the fair city of Leicester had to offer. It is still a fair city but has little to offer apart from and lots of Bistro’s, Indian and Chinese takeaways, and a few hundred pubs.

 

Now you may ask what this famous painting has to do with an Italian spy and Leicester.

 

This is the real De-Vinci code told here for the first time. As I said, Sigmund was a spy for La Thro’ete. They wished to build the biggest and best opera house in the northern hemisphere. Leicester, was wisely chosen as the most central location for business, financial and political reasons. Also the soil of the Soar valley was perfect for the cultivation of Pasta and Spaghetti trees and because of this we already had a thriving Italian community.

 The invasion plans were hatched in complete secrecy. This brings me to the reason for the painting.

For this forget the portrait of Mona, you must study the background of the painting.

“Don’t look into the face, concentrate, and look around the face”.

 What seems to be a depiction of a normal rural scene is in fact an invasion plan. This shows what was then the fortifications surrounding Leicester at the time, to protect it from the hordes of property developers, hair stylists, and theme pub entrepreneurs, who threatened to overrun the city, mostly from Nottingham forest to the north. (This was the trees not the football club). There is even a depiction of what the opera house would look like when the CO-OP and plague hospital were demolished.

 Mona Lisa was just the wife of a local chip shop owner who on finding her and Mr. Pugg in an amorous embrace battered her to death. Get it…. battered her……mmm.

It is commonly thought by eminent historians that where the confusion arises, vis-à-vis Mona, is the word Venice.

Leicester lies in the Soar valley. Every year the local area is flooded when the river Soar fed by the autumn rains swells and bursts it banks. In this modern age the flooding is controlled and contained by weirs and barriers but in days of old the valley flooded naturally. This deposited a rich soil which gave perfect conditions for growing Pasta and Spaghetti trees. The River Soar runs through the centre of our fair city and after harvesting, the Pasta and Spaghetti produce was carried up the river into the city on Gondolas and unloaded into the warehouses in the Italian quarter. Because of this the river was known as the Grande canal, and the whole area as Little Venice. This once beautiful area of the city was demolished many years ago and is now The Shires shopping centre although some aspects remain; we still have many pavement cafes, bistros and pizza parlours some of which can trace their beginnings back to the 16th century.

Also the name Grande Canal was used to name the modern waterway which is known as The Grand Union canal.

After the death of Mona, Sigmund fled the country with the painting to his native Italy. He managed to evade the Dover police by assuming the name De-Vinci.  To avoid a nasty death at the hands of Mona’s husband who was doggedly chasing him Sigmund kept it for the rest of his life. (He later sold the Mona Lisa under the name De-Vinci for ten golden groats and the back end of a pantomime sheep…….don’t ask)

            

The Last Supper

So there we have it, the real De-Vinci code was in fact the Mona Lisa. The picture thought by many to be a part of the code “The Last Supper”, was just a depiction of the manager and his main singers arguing over who was to take the lead in the grand opening opera La Traviata, when they invaded Leicester and built the theatre. It was indeed a pivotal meeting and could have decided the fate of our green and pleasant land, but as no agreement could be reached the invasion was cancelled. The 50 tonnes of Cappucinno and Expresso coffee machines along with the Pizza base spinning machines were unloaded from the ships, and ten thousand opera singers and actors were laid off.

                     

Spaghetti growing and harvesting in Leicesters  Soar Valley

The only agreement reached at the meeting was on that of the female lead, which unanimously went to the young man on the manager’s right, who sang castrato, liked dressing up, and walked funny.

During De-Vinci’s painting career he sketched many wonderful radical inventions. It is thought that most, if not all were copied from observations made in Little Venice of the men and boys making models out of spaghetti strands, much in the way modern man makes models out of matchsticks.

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An Alternative explanation as to where the term Little Venice came from was found in a church manuscript a few years ago.

It is commonly thought by eminent historians that where the confusion arises, vis-à-vis Mona, is the word Venice.

This was the name of the open sewage waste system running through Leicester at that time. It was affectionately called Little Venice by the locals, due to the configuration of the effluent floating through it down to the river. Most shapes had an Italian theme being in the shape of gondola’s, leaning tower of Pisa’s, bridge of sighs etc with the turd urchins singing whilst they were log rolling, a most smelly past time.

The many and varied contours of these floating tableau's were credited to a local surgeon famous for his anus reshaping technique. A lost art form from ancient Egypt. The Egyptians specialized in triangles hence the pyramids. It was briefly revived in the Dung Pong dynasty in China who did rectangles and squares hence the Great Wall. Also at the same time by a small aborigine tribe in Australia who just did shapes, (An aboriginal thing), hence Ayers Rock. 

Such was the size and form of these floating models that people would come from far and wide to marvel at the fantastical monuments. You must remember that television was still a few years off, so there was little in the way of entertainment in the area.

For the shapes to remain solid, it required a large diet of a local clay. This was mixed with an edible “binding” of locally grown reeds called onnesto. This reed was the cause of most of the constipation which was an important part of the process, because the longer it was in the digestive system the drier it was and there was more to come out when it painfully did. This gave bigger and longer lasting floating edifices.

 It sadly came to a sudden end one day when a particularly fine depiction of the Papal Palace grounded on the reed beds destroying them. It is thought that this is where the saying “Don’t crap in your onnest” or “own nest originates”.

During De-Vinci’s painting career he sketched many wonderful radical inventions. It is thought that most, if not all his inspirations came from his observations of objects found floating in “Little Venice”.

 

The above was inspired by an old Scouting song we used to sing in front of the camp fire. it was  named The Wild West Show where each verse depicted an animal in the show. This particular verse was the Mythical Giant Egyptian Camel which only went to the toilet every 7000 years hence the pyramids.              

 

Copyright © David B Forrester 2008