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STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

STORY 29

ZEN AND THE ART OF LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

Plus the real meaning of Haynes Manual instructions

A SERIES LANDROVER

There is a saying about certain objects that "They are more than the sum of their parts". Which simply put means that whatever number of separate parts go to make up an object the finished article has that  extra part. The part you cannot see. This extra part is sometimes referred to as the 'soul' or 'essence' or Ch'i.

Nothing epitomises this more than the old Landrover. Not the modern ones but the old box on wheels design or Series motors. There is something about them that transcends normal ownership, so much in fact that it can be said the Landrover owns you not you own the Landrover. Owners spend many thousands of pounds keeping them on the road and when you ask them why there is no answer, no logical reason for this extravagance. The only answer they can give is that to them the motor is more than just a mechanical system of conveyance. It has 'soul', it 'is'.

Given this soul or essence you cannot approach the maintenance of the vehicle in the same way you would an ordinary motor. No the approach must be on a higher plane altogether, and so there has been  developed a system of care based on Buddhist principles. The result of this development is a book.

 'The Zen guide to Landrover Maintenance'.

' ランドローバーMaintenance'への禅ガイド;。

INTRODUCTORY PAGE TO THE GUIDE

In this guide the following symbols are used to denote the degree of difficulty in performing certain tasks. It cannot be stressed too much that to perform tasks above your abilities can have tragic consequences, due to reverse energy fields causing excess body pressure. This can lead to part, or whole, body explosions (not very nice for the neighbours)

Easy, suitable for the novice.

 Fairly easy, suitable for the beginner with some experience.
 

Fairly difficult, suitable for competent mechanic.
Very difficult, suitable for only the expert.
 

The basic concept of this form of maintenance is holistic, and pre supposes that the vehicle has a soul or Ch’i, and “Is”.

The key to the gateway is Zen and the path you must tread is yogic meditation.   

Let us travel together.

CH'I
Everything has Ch’i from the drop of rain on the mountain, to the bolt left lying on the garage floor, the fact that this bolt will puncture your car tyre as you park in the garage is no accident. When you left it on the floor you transformed its reason for being from a bolt to a dynamic object likely to cause a puncture. The raindrop changes from a single entity to a mighty torrent. Nothing is static, nature is ever changing. Everything is greater than the sum of its parts, and has potential to be other things. As the bolt can be forged into an arrow head, so the raindrop can freeze into a needle sharp icicle. Both can penetrate your heart. Both can change ‘your’ state
Let us apply this to the Land Rover. You already talk to it, coax and cajole it on cold mornings, shout and yell at it when it does not start. You even give it a gender, normally female. This is just an extension of the process that sees it as a living entity. To see it more clearly you must be in a yogic trance.
 

The following principles apply to any task you undertake. It is difficult but  persevere  for we will walk down the path together.


Put key in ignition but do not turn on.
What happens next will be in your mind as it melds with the mind of the Land Rover. Stand in front of the motor in the “mechanic contemplation” position. This is with arms folded and legs slightly apart with your tool box open beside you. You may if you choose at this time put on the latex gloves. When you gain confidence and your competence increases you will find that the more difficult stances, ie ‘Birmingham Screwdriver’, or ‘The Molegrip’ give a deeper trance state, but for now we will just use the basic stance.

First is the breathing, get this right and all else follows naturally.

Empty the lungs entirely of air.

Slowly lower the diaphragm allowing air to enter the lungs. When the abdomen swells filling the    bottom of the lungs with air.

Expand the ribs without straining, then.

Allow the lungs to completely fill by raising the collar-bones.

Throughout this procedure, the air should enter in a continuous flow, without gasping. No noise must be made for it is essential to breathe silently!

It is of the utmost importance to concentrate the mind entirely upon the action of breathing!

When the lungs are completely filled, breathe out, in the same sequence as when inhaling. The longer you take to breathe out, the more deeply your body will relax.

Now breathe in again in the same way. Soon you will reach the Thoughtless State. (Like my son).

You are now ready to enter the mind of the vehicle. Your silent mantra will be.

“I am at peace, we are at one.”   

“I am at peace, we are at one.”  

“I am at peace, we are at one.”    

 The eyes will be half closed, seeing but not focusing. Energy will be subdued and stored in your stomach as Yang. Your focus will be within, behind the middle of your forehead. This is your third eye, your Ying. With this eye, picture in your mind the whole motor. You see a friend, a brother, an object that has soul, there is purity of spirit. You see it as you would want it to be, you dream the dream. Feel it breath, it is a living entity, it has soul. Feel it ageing, become as one with the machine. Picture in your mind all the intricacies of wiring, gears, engine movement. Trace that movement as though you are the con rod moving, the gear turning, the oil flowing, the electric current pulsing. Feel in your deepest being the heat of the bearings, the explosions of gas and air, feel the energy pushing, turning, moving.

By now the energy within the abdomen should be rising.

Your mantra should change and be.

 “I am a Land Rover owner therefore I am”.

 “I am a Land Rover owner therefore I am”.

 “I am a Land Rover owner therefore I am”.

You should now go onto the second phase of “oneness” and adopt the “drive” position. This is arms outstretched knees slightly bent. You now “hear” the engine turn quietly, sweetly, purring. You now become the whole car, you are one, feeling its energy, its surges.
Though in your mind with the heightened ying state you will be calm and at peace, your motor or yang state, the energy within the abdomen, will have a purity of force waiting for release. It is now time to conjoin the ying and yang states, to attain oneness.

“I am a Land Rover owner therefore I am”.

 “I am a Land Rover owner therefore I am”.

 “I am a Land Rover owner therefore I am”.

You now reach down to your tool box and take out the biggest hammer you have. Hold it across both hands showing it to the vehicle, picturing the part that is giving trouble. Bring the energy in your abdomen up and the oneness down, join ying and yang and send it down the arms into the hammer.

“I am a Land Rover owner therefore I am”.

 “I am a Land Rover owner therefore I am”.

 “I am a Land Rover owner therefore I am”.


 

 

      NOW GIVE THE PART A GOOD WHACK

 

.
If it has any sense at all the fault will be cured. If not the offending part has not taken the hint and therefore deserves what it gets, so hit it really hard again with the hammer just to show it whose boss, and then buy a new part.

                          -----------------------------------------------------------------

A Zen off road course. Do not knock over the piles of stones

 

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Below are shown the REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions


Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.


Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.


Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.


HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


 

Copyright © David B Forrester 2008

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