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STORY UPDATE NEWS AND EBAY LISTING

 

GENERAL ITEMS
FOGGYDAVES CANTENNA 
THE EVIL OVERLORD LIST

THE EVIL MINIONS GUIDE

OTHER EVIL/ HERO  GUIDES
A FEW VERSES 

NAMES I CALL MY WIFE & SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS

COLLECTIVE NOUNS FOR ANIMAL SPECIES

SOME OTHER EBAY SALES WITH STORIES

THE REAL MEANING OF HAYNES MANUAL INSTRUCTIONS

SALAD FINGERS

TOMTOM SATNAV SAG BLUES

 

KITE MAKING PAGES

REVOLUTION KITE MAKING

 

CONTRIBUTIONS FROM READERS

STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

STORY 36        SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

 

AN UPDATE FROM STORY 23    SELLING A PAIR OF BOOTS ON EBAY

 

For original sale of boots on Ebay see Story 23

 

I have just had a letter from the person I sold the boots to. He runs a theatrical props agency and placed my boots in his stock.

He has emailed me to say that they are to appear in a production called Big Boots.  This is a film about an orphan girl who is given cast off clothing including my boots, which, although far too big are worn throughout the film as the little orphan girl shuffles in the boots from scene to scene dragging them from one adventure to another. After many exciting scenes she finally ends up marrying a count whom she saves from certain death by lending him her boots to help him drag his bathing hut over a shingle beach to the sea and drag it back again. They both die on the way back from the wedding when their carriage runs into a brook at the side of the road

 

So it’s a sort of drags to ditches story then?

Yes you could say that…… Hey I tell the jokes!!!

 

The boots though are the only thing to survive the horrific accident, and they are already talking about a sequel ‘Das Boot 1’   where they team up with a pair of German boots called Jack who are very stern and have little sense of humour but have walked over Europe and both have an adventure on board a submarine before the British boot defeats the Jack Boot with a plate of Bangers and Mash

 

And here is me thinking they were going into retirement to see out their days on a shelf in a garden shed. It is though comforting to find they have not fallen into the hands of the boot abusers in Cheltenham, far from it. It seems they could now be starting a whole new exciting chapter in their lives. I wonder how they are coping with the fame. They are just normal boots that have lived a normal life and have had no training in things theatrical. Let’s hope this does not go to their heads and they get above their station.

 

Talking of stations

Do you have to?

Yes I was born in a signal box

Why?

My class conscious mum wanted to live above her station.

Didn’t all those levers get in the way?

No in fact it had its plusses.

Oh?

When I would not go to sleep instead of pushing me around in the pushchair she would wrap me up and as the local train went by she would throw me into the coal tender where I would be lulled to sleep and then when the train returned a few hours later the engine driver would throw me back.

Wasn’t it a bit painful?

Only on the odd occasion when the fireman mistaking me for a lump of coal would shovel me into the fire box. Singed my nappies I can tell you.

So you were brought up on the right lines then?

I said I tell the jokes…….. Sometimes she would be a bit drunk and get the wrong train and I would end up in Glasgow or London. Well travelled I was.

Didn’t you get rather dirty living in a coal tender?

Yes when I got back home my Dad would think I was an illegal immigrant and hand me into the police.

But it was a good life.

 

 

 

 

 I feel rather guilty now as the boots led a rather sheltered life at the Foggydave household just pottering around in the garage and garden with a few trips down to the Co op. and local tip. The most exciting thing to happen to them was when I wore them driving the land rover off road that is if you can call being up to your top eyelet in mud is exciting.

I just hope they do not forget their roots and who bought them up in the world. I would expect an invite to their Hollywood home in the near future, and maybe meet some big stars.

 

Just think of the films this humble pair of boots could be in.

 

Gone with the Boot A tale of love and loss in the English Civil wars.
The Boot and I. About a pair of Siamese boots, a teacher and a lot of bootees.
Three Men in a Boot Six bare feet. Who would win the boot
The 39 Steps. The Story of a boots long climb to the bedrom
Puss in Boots. No comment.  X rated.
Boot Camp 1.

A gay old time at Butlins Holiday Camp Skegness, the East coasts premier resort and HI Vis hot spot

Boot Camp 2.

A gay romp across the English country side.

Bootinater 1

Featuring Arnie-I will be back-Schwarzenegger. A film where in the far future boots take over the world and Arnie is sent back to try to stop the first mechanical boot from being made. He joins forces with The Boot Hunter of Doom and together they thwart the evil plans of the mad scientist Dr Martin.

Bootinater 2

Where Bootinater joins forces with Roboboot to thwart the evil plans of The Boot Hunter of Doom and Dr Martin

Bootinater 3 Where Bootinater dies at the hands of the evil three. Dr Martin The Boot hunter of Doom and Roboboot.
Walking Miss  Paisley A pair of black boots chauffeurs a senile pair of highly patterned white dress shoes around Leicestershire.
The Concrete Jungle        

A pair of black boots tries to educate a class of rebellious Hush Puppies on the meaning of life 

  

Das Boot  1

A pair of very stern Jack Boots which have marched over all of Europe and half of Russia befriend a pair of English boots, and have an adventure. The Jack Boots try to kidnap the British Boots only to be thwarted in their plans by a plate of bangers and mash.

 

Das Boot  2                     

This tells the story of how a German boot with subtitles was defeated by the cunning of the good old British boot without subtitles

 

 

Why stop at film they could be in some Shakespearian production at the Old Vic

 

Hamlet-                                Alas poor boots I knew them well Horatio.

 

Macboot-                             Away damn boots.

 

Much ado aboot nothing.

 

The taming of the boot.

 

A midsummer nights boot.

 

Julius ( The boot ) Caesar.-   Friends Romans Countrymen lend me you boots.

 

The stirring speech from Henry V

 

We few, we happy few, we band of boots;
For he to-day that sheds his laces with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his uppers;
And boots in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their tongues and eyelets cheap whiles any speaks
That tread with us upon this bootiful day

 

 

 or a musical with dancing and singing. Maybe a Brian Rix farce.

 

 

 

But would these films just be pandering to the perverted tastes of the Boot Cult. Maybe Arnie himself has a predilection for such things.

What they need is a good agent, one who has only their best interests at heart who will not fleece them out of every penny.

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THE BOOTS OF DOOM

A film by S Lace.

 

It seems they want to film an epic a little like the lord of the rings it will be called The Boots of Doom.

They even sent me part of a script to read.

 

 

 

 

 

 

An extract from the script.

 

Scene1

Outside rundown inner city pub, dark winters night, rain lashing onto shiny cobbles, pairs of boots and shoes walking past umbrellas battered by the wind.

 

Richard Burton Booton voice over.

“There’s trouble down at the Boot and Shovel, a lowly pub. A stronghold of the working boot, but being overtaken by Dress shoes and High heels, out to see the other side of life in the mean streets. Where to be a boot and survive is a daily struggle made no easier by the world shortage of stegs and those metal lace ends. Where resoles cost a weeks wages and black polish is unheard off, just good old dubbin for these poor creatures. Laces were bits of old baler twine This was the lower class, the bottom rung of society”.

 

.

Cut to inside pub snug and to beer glass, pan from beer glass to talking black boot.

 

“Fancy footwear... Pah in my world a boot is a boot and damned proud of it. Dress shoes, high heels, big softies the lot of them. Come down here lording it about. The first sign of bad weather and there gone. Not your boot. No, your boot is hard, send em back I say”.

 

Cut to Brown boot

 

“We used to get the odd wellington or Hush Puppy now and again but this is ridiculous. Shoe box prices are out of the roof where are we to live, they are pricing us out of house and shoe box. Soon all we will be left with will be carrier bags to live in while those  Cherry Blossom polished pansies will be lording it about in their fancy shoe box apartments. And now not content with cardboard they are using Tuppaware boxes because they give more light. I ask you when has a tough old boot needed daylight. Conscription that’s what we need that lot would not last two minutes on a real march. I always remember my Grandad, a tough old army boot telling me about his time in the Falklands when he carried his wearer across the island in a few days to trounce the Argies. If it was not for the trusty British boot The Falklands would be called Islas Malvinas and Goose green would be Ganso Verde”.

 

Pan to black boot sipping beer a line of froth on his tongue.

 

  Aye that’s what they need. I always remember me mum bless her leather uppers, toiling over a hot vat of dubbin, ready to give us a treat when we came in from the wet.”

 

Cut to Old brown boot sitting in the shadows.

 

“Wet, wet don’t talk to me about wet, these pansy boots would not last five minutes in the real weather How can they be called boots when at the first sign of wetness they cannot go out if they do they fall to pieces. Soggy wets thats what I call them, soggy wets”.

 

 

The door to the snug crashes open. Wind and rain blows through the door.

Cut to each boot as they look fearfully up at the door  and then at each other.

The sound of a boot crashing to the wooden floor.

Pan to door to a pair of size 15 highly dubbined black boot wearing war medals and a red beret. smoking a cigar. With a round enamelled badge on which was printed  (Loud drum roll followed by descending scale of trombones)  BOOTS OF DOOM HENCHMAN 1ST CLASS

 

Henchman  I speak for The Boots of Doom.

 

A gasp goes around the room.

 

“You all sit around here like namby pamby flip flops moaning and groaning. Stand up for yourselves. It is time for a revolution when the humble British boot can once again hold its upper high, with proud tongue protruding, laces tied as laces should be, not in the French way but the double knot as passed down through the ages. Why should we put up with it?  I say we should fight back. Who is with me on this? Who will join the legions of The Boots of Doom”?

 

The henchman looks around the  room, there is a deep silence.

 

Henchman  The drinks are on me”.

 

A cheer can be heard.

 

 

Scene 2

Restaurant overlooking the mean district

Shot Camera takes long shot of the Boot and Shovel pub looking down from  the restaurant window and then drawing back to a table in the restaurant Seated at the table are four boots who have just finished their meal and are smoking  cheroots and drinking Brandy.

 

Boot # 1 

Aye very passable that chicken in a basket

 

Boot # 2 

I do agree William and a nice brandy to finish off.

 

Boot # 3

Who would h Who would ave thought five year ago that we would be eating high off the hog drinking brandy and  smokin Cuban cigars.

 

Boot # 4 

Aye thems  wus ard days when a boot was a boot and he knew is place.

 

Boot # 1 In them days we wus glad to have the price of a teaspoon of dubbin

 

Boot # 2

Teaspoon! Dubbin! We used to have a gob of goose grease flicked at us off the  end of a stick.

 

Boot # 3

Luxury,  we used to scrape off  the old dubbin with a rusty nail, heat it up, take it to the pawn shop and exchange it for some pigs fat which we put  on with an old hacksaw blade.

 

Boot # 1 

But we wus appy in them days even tho it wus ard

 

Boot # 4 

Ard! Aye it wus ard, but I wus appier then even tho we ad  nowt. My owner used to wear socks wit damn gret oles in em.

Boot # 1 

That wus nowt my owner had  athletes foot and didn’t wash from one weeks end tut other.

 

Boot # 2

Yu think that wus bad, my owner didn’t ever cut is toe nails and ad bunions the size of golf balls. And that wer’nt all we used to work dahn’t  pit for twelve hours and at shift changover  we would be anded to the shift comin on to wear. Worked twenty four hours a day we did, no rest.

 

Boot # 3

Luxury! I worked dahn sewer for twenty four hours up to me eyelets in crap. And  when I got home I would be whipped to bed wit me own laces.

 

Boot # 4 

Whipped to bed! You wus lucky, Each night my owner would pick all me stitchin out put me uppers in a pot of boiling water to make tea and  then make a soup out of  my tongue and sole,then E would regurgitate me and ang me by the fire to dry and then sew me back together again using old string.

 

Boot # 1 

Aye and we didn’t av stegs. I used to have tin tacks hammered into me heels.

 

Boot # 2

Tin tacks Pah I had six inch nails with girt gret steel washers.

 

Boot # 3

You don’t know the worse and I avent told a soul of this before I used to have to wear …………sob sob……..

 

Boot # 4    

Go on lad get it out

 

Boot # 3 PINK LACES

 

Boot # 1,2,4 

Oh my gawd not pink laces.

 

Boot # 3 

You tell young boots this these days and they just won’t believe you

 

Boot #  All

Aye that’s right an all. 

 

Boot # 4 

Whats  goin on down there then?

 

 

Cheer from end of scene one heard again

 

Scene 3

 

Pan down to pub room filled with drunken boots. Then to Henchman standing by door.

 

Henchman   “Come on then lads lets show them what we are made of”.

 

Henchman then stamps out of pub followed by a mob of drunken boots.

Cut to rain swept cobbled street and Boots overturning cars and horse carts

 

Henchman “To the barricades lads lets shove this designer rabble back to where it belongs Aye that’s it back to France and Italy do not falter in your resolve we will be victorious we have the Boot Hunter of doom on our side. We must stride out, crush the foe and give him a good kicking”

.

The henchman then stands on the barricade.

Close shot of henchman as he gives a rousing speech.

 

 Henchman   "Arm yourselves, and be ye boots of valour, and be in readiness for the conflict; for it is better for us to perish in battle than to look upon the outrage of our nation and our boots. As the Will of The Great Boot is in Heaven, even so let it be."

Our task is not only to win the battle - but to win the war. A war for all that Britain is, and all the British boot means. That will be the struggle. In that supreme emergency we shall not hesitate to take every step, even the most drastic, to call forth from our boots the last ounce and the last toe cap of effort of which they are capable. The interests of property, the hours of labor, are nothing compared with the struggle of life and honor, for right and freedom of the humble British boot to which we have vowed ourselves”. **

 

 

 

Scene shots of villages and hamlets raising barricades with final shots showing boots looking over the defences awaiting the enemy.

 

 Richard Burton Booton voice over

 

“Cometh the hour cometh the boots.”

“Cometh the Boots of Doom.”

 

 

 

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This is all I have been given but it does sound exciting stuff I cannot wait to hear more and will keep you updated on the events as they occur. I should be receiving some location photos soon.

 

 

 

** Slightly edited excerpts from Sir Winston Churchill’s parliamentary speeches

 

 

 

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