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FOGGYDAVES CANTENNA 
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REVOLUTION KITE MAKING

 

CONTRIBUTIONS FROM READERS

STORIES BY HATTYMENDER  

STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL

 

STORIES  AND EBAY SALES

1     AN OLD LAND ROVER
2     EBAY
3     SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER  
4     SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5     A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
6     SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7     MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8     WITCHERY PART ONE
9     SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10   WITCHERY PART TWO
11   SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE 
12   WITCHERY PART THREE
13   SELLING RATCHET STRAPS  
14   WITCHERY PART FOUR
15   SELLING GOAL POSTS  
16   WITCHERY PART FIVE
17   SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18   WITCHERY PART SIX

19   SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY    
2O  WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21   SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
22   SHOPPING AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23   SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS

24   THE REAL DE VINCI CODE

25   MY GUITAR AND AMP

26   SELLING MOTORBIKE PANNIERS

27   HALLOWEEN

28 SELLING A HIGHWAY CODE

29 ZEN AND THE ART OF  LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE

30  SELLING A CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND

31  CHRISTMAS LIGHT RAGE

32  METAMORPHOSIS

33 SELLING AN AMBER BEACON

34 THE UNIVERSE IS A  BIG PLACE

35 SELLING A  BLOW LAMP

36 SELLING BOOTS UPDATE

37 SELLING A  TORCH

38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE JACKET

39 SELLING A POWER JUICER

40 SELLING A HORSE WHIP

41 THE BOAT

42 SELLING LAND ROVER SIDE STEPS

43 SELLING A  TOW / RECOVERY CHAIN

44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG

46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME PARTIE

 

 

 

STORY 44 SELLING LAND ROVER BULL BARS

Where Mrs P meets her match in more ways than one

PDF of original eBay advert

         

My green fingered one in her attempt to make some money on the side, decided to go into Horticulture, hiring out her services for general garden maintenance and landscaping. Her qualifications and experience in this line of work were zero, zilch, nada, nothing. She could not tell a weed from a flower or her hiacinthesiss  Hiyacinthias  hiusinths from her geraniniums, geranimiuns granimininmums  other flowers. (Note, I must install spell checker). But whenever has not knowing how to do something stopped any woman trying, failing, and then blaming their husbands, because, if it had not been for their laziness the wife would not have had to do whatever it was they could not do.

The catalyst for this new career was the purchase of a sit on lawn mower from Ebay, a very good  bargain. ……. Well it was once I had  ripped out the 100cc engine and stuck a 3500 cc V8 engine in and put Land Rover wheels on in place of the silly pram size wheels. This was the only ninety five miles per hour lawnmower in Glenfield. I had also welded a frame vertically on one side to hold a six foot high rotor blade to do the hedges.

Very efficient I must say.

And so my little Percy Thrower sent the lad around with flyers offering her services, she also added fortune telling, basic midwifery and spell casting to earn some extra pennies.

The first enquiry for gardening came in from Lady Penelope up at the big house. Off my wife went, note book and stubby pencil in hand to survey the job and give a price. She came back an hour later steely glint in her eye, it transpired that upon knocking at the front door she was told in no uncertain terms by the butler to use the tradesmen’s  entrance. To add insult to injury she was told to stand in the hall whilst the lackey would “see if m’lady is available”. My wife could hear Lady P in the next room talking and laughing on the phone and was fairly sure no one was on the other end. She was at last admitted to the room and told to stand on a newspaper as the floors were highly polished teak and far too good for my dearest’s shoe to stand on.(Mind you with her athletes foot and other fungal ailments it was not a bad idea)  Lady ‘P’ then went on to state that my green fingered wife would do her garden for free in exchange for Lady P to spread the good word of her gardening expertise if she did have the effrontery to charge then Lady ‘P’ would  blacklist her with other potential customers. This was a threat, and no one threatens my wife and stays healthy for very long. This is not achieved by hitting the threatener, but by the casting of spells and the sticking of pins in effigies of said threatener.

A few days later she was summoned to do the gardens of the hall, I would not have been involved but as my wife cannot drive I had to transport all the equipment to the job.

Land Rover, trailer, mower and us duly arrived to do the garden under the watchful eye of Lady ‘P’. I say eye singular because the other one was closed and puffy due to some unknown ailment that had mysteriously assailed her, this along with a sudden attack of Montezuma’s revenge kept her indoors. (This was a favourite spell of my dearests).

My hairy armed wife sat astride the m ighty beast and with a press of the starter button the engine burst into life. With a mighty roar the mower  went hurling down the edge of the lawn at fifty miles per hour in a storm of grass cuttings,  occasionally veering off course and clipping the hedge with the side blades.  By the time she had reached the end the once immaculately straight hedge now had a wavy pattern its entire length with great scallops cut out. On seeing this Lady ‘P’ hobbled downstairs and onto the lawn only to find the mower on its return trip like a huge green whirlwind bearing down upon her, she dived screaming to the side as my wife hurtled past, ear defenders on, feigning deafness.  The butler thinking murder and mayhem was afoot grabbed a double barrel shot gun from the gun rack and ran out to see her Ladyship trying to climb an old oak tree in the middle of the lawn. The mower buzzing angrily around the trunk cutting the lower branches off as the air was filled with twigs, leafs, shredded plastic chairs, and other garden detritus. My wife seeing the butler bearing down on her shot gun in hand changed direction and headed for the greenhouse and vegetable garden. She would insist later that she had no intention of destroying the greenhouse and priceless bonsai collection but had been frightened by the wild eyed butler with a dangerous weapon in his hand. (Who wouldn’t be?) The mower stalled as it exited the demolished greenhouse. My wife got off the machine, placing the back of her hand to her forehead and feigning a female swoon staggered over the now close cut lawn to the house, and collapsed in a heap on the path (someone had not used a pooper scooper) In the meantime Lady ‘P’ had fallen out of the tree into the butlers arms and was now in the drawing room drinking copious amounts of gin served by the wild eyed butler who seeing his beloved Lady in a near death experience realized his love and devotion for her. It is not untill you are about to lose something that you appreciate its worth and your feelings for it, this he was trying to tell her as he poured yet another drink. Lady ‘P’ normally courted by the gentry and well to do’s had never heard words spoken from the heart like this and was strangely moved at their beautiful honesty. She too had feelings towards Percy (for that was his name), those feelings given words were floating free and giving substance to what before was only a whim, a fancy, a day dream. She had thought her beau would be a knight on a large white horse who would come and carry her off, but here was this meek, mild mannered man who had cared for her for the last thirty  years. He was such a part of her life that she never saw him and in a clear thought realized what life would be without him. They would live as before, Mistress and servant, but would share a secret and would smile at each other in a knowing way, he would offer those extra services not normally given and she would take them. My wife and I upon entering the house found them sitting holding hands oblivious to everything but each other, not wanting or caring.

I loaded the mower onto the trailer and silently we left. We heard no more from Lady ‘P’ but thought it a good idea to give up the gardening business. I had hoped to use the bull bars as a modification to protect the cutting blades but as we have sold the mower I am now selling the bull bar. 

 

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As is normal with my auctions I invite you the reader to suggest a few more uses for this bull bar  You could use them on shopping trolleys, babies prams, and other wheeled things. In fact any situation where you want to push people out of the way.

Do you play cricket and are well endowed in the family jewels department. If so you could tie a bit of rope to it hang it around your neck and use it as a cricket box. The old biddies in the pavilion would look at you in a new light.

I await your suggestions

 

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27.07.2010 second day of auction.

We have a question from a lady eBayer living in Stoke.

Would this fit my smart car as I am fed up with bumping into things? ...................

FD. With your obvious lack of taste and my welding skills I am sure we can get it to fit. I would though suggest a few more driving lessons may be the answer as this bull bar is a tad wide for such a er a ...................... do you call it a car?

This though gives me an idea. What is the biggest problem riding a bicycle through any major city? .... You may think its a sweaty crutch and armpits, No! Its other traffic forcing you ever closer to that cycle off road course they call the gutter. Just imagine the journey with Foggydaves bull bar strapped to your handle bars. No problems just force them into the centre of  the road into oncoming traffic. Oh joy imagine the carnage

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28.07.2010 Third day of auction

Well this auction is really going rather slowly. I must say I had hoped for a bidding frenzy from the army of Land Rover owners, but there is still hope.

On an upbeat note I recieved another email from Daphne, the lady from Stoke with a dubious taste in cars. It appears that the reason she bumps into things is that she is very short sighted bordering on blind. She was refused a liscence on the grounds of this disability but took her case to the court for human rights who ruled that if she wanted to drive then she should be given the right to drive. Their reasoning involved a complicated argument consisting of a double leg amputee a Pogo stick and a unicycle

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29.07.2010 Fourth day of auction

 

As on previous ocassions I have got an unprintable suggestion from Delores of Soho for a use for the bull bars ...................

 FD ..... Delores this is a bull bar for a Land Rover not a medieval rack for inflicting pain on some of your more questionable clients although I find your use of ratchet straps and 16 rubber ducks quite novel. You have taken the term 'Stretching things too far' to a new level, or should I say a new low, or have I got the picture upside down?

 

I have a question. Why are they called Bull Bars? Answers on a postcard please. All answers will be placed in a hat and one will be drawn at random to receive a wonderful prize.

 

I have also received another suggestion, its from Fred in Leicester ............... When out on a picnic you could use the headlight grills as an egg slicer. And what is the wonderful prize? ............

FD ....... Hi Fred .... They would have to be rather large eggs. I am thinking here of dinosaurs etc. Although they would be good for slicing the bread if you forgot your knife. On the subject of a prize I thought maybe a jar of the wifes toe nail clippings. Or a bag of spanners.

 

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After a true last minute auction frenzy the bull bars were won by a gentleman in West Wales land of my fore fathers and four mothers too.

 

Copyright © David B Forrester

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